Is it harder to snag that special someone in the gay world?Are gay relationships harder to maintain than straight ones?

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Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
October 24, 2010, 08:22

Hi Tez

Yeah I love the wide open spaces of the country rather than the crowded, busyness of city life. As you say, the lack of resources is the main drawback I find with being out of the main hub.

It’s good that you have friends to connect with on a regular basis and that the internet is available. And we love having your input here. 🙂

I was elated to learn that a lesbian couple bought the house 2 doors up from me 🙂 🙂 🙂 …..

… and then gutted when the house went back on the market again. 🙁 Gay friends were laughing when I said I was going to welcome the new neighbours with a cake and was already planning get togethers etc.

Oh well.


Ann Maree

Joined in 2006
October 24, 2010, 11:24

yeh it would be good to have some sexuality similar people close to me

but so far there isn’t that i am aware of

and the culture of where i currently live and work, it is unlikely to be public knowledge

i hear things are different down in some areas of country victoria

maybe i should move there lol

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
October 24, 2010, 11:26

Like in Daylesford. Great place to be. 🙂

Joined in 2008
October 24, 2010, 13:24

Thanks everyone for your opinions and insights.

I have to say though, it seems in my circle of gay friends, long lasting relationships are very rare.

Breakups seem to be very common place with the people that I know. Again thats just the people that I know, but its formed my experience of Gay relationships.

Then again though, my circle of straight friends, for whatever reason isnt nearly the same size and I’ve heard of countless straight couples who get divorced.

I suppose commitment to long lasting relationships in todays world, whether gay or straight, arent as common with the divorce rate so high.

Are people in the 21st century, just generally aversed to long term commitment?

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
October 24, 2010, 15:40

Hi Alex

Are people in the 21st century, just generally aversed to long term commitment?

It’s a good question. I think part of the problem is that we’ve lost the art of courtship and taking things slowly. We rush in too quickly, thus losing a slower way of being that maintains the fun of discovery for longer. That means we lose interest sooner. The other thing is that many of us aren’t looking at underlying values and beliefs and how compatible we really are in the things that matter long term. There has to be awareness about these things and yet many have no clue nor interest in learning about themselves and others in this way. It’s a shame we don’t learn more about relationships at school since they’re so fundamental to life and happiness. We have to sit a drivers test and yet we can enter into marriages and relationships without doing a thing. How odd is that?


Ann Maree

Joined in 2011
March 31, 2011, 20:41

Some interesting statistics:

In Australia, every third marriage ends in divorce;

About 29% of Australians never marry;

During the past two decades, Australians started to marry less and divorce more;

About one-third of children today are born outside the traditional marriage;

Men are more likely to die than to divorce (33.4% chance for a marriage to end in divorce, and 47% chance for a man to die while married); 

Women are more likely to divorce than to die (33.4% chance for a marriage to end in divorce, and 22% chance for a woman to die while married) – this is due to longer life expectancy for women;

Divorced people have a higher chance of re-marriage than those who are widowed – nearly half of divorced people re-marry;

The number of joint divorce applications increased in the last years;

About three-quarters of people who marry today lived with their partner for some time prior to marriage;

Divorced people who are in de-facto relationships are less likely to marry their partner than the ones who have never been married;

Married people are twice as likely to have children than the ones in de-facto relationships;

Most people aged 35-64 years have been in at least one live-in relationship (95%);

Marriages are now lasting longer before the divorce than 20 years ago (the median duration of marriage to divorce was 12.5 years in 2007 compared with 10.1 years in 1988);

The divorce rate in Australia per 1000 of population remains around the level of 2.5% (plus-minus 0.2%) since 1988, as well as the average number of children per divorce of 1.88;

Women file more divorce applications than men;

Most men divorce at the age 40-44, women at the age 35-39;

Most divorces in Australia are granted in New South Wales, followed by Victoria and Queensland;

According to the latest divorce statistics available, the divorce rate in Australia is on decline: after the peak divorce rate of 2.7% in 2001, it reached 2.3% in 2007 for 1,000 of residential population – the lowest since 1988.

Based on the data of the Australian Bureau of Statistics (LIFETIME MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE TRENDS, COUPLES IN AUSTRALIA and Divorces, Australia)

Over the last twenty years, the proportion of divorces involving children under 18 years has been decreasing, although this decline has slowed in recent years. The proportion of divorces involving children was 49.3% in 2007. The number of children affected by divorce has also decreased from 48,396 in 2006 to 44,371 in 2007, and is similar to the number of children recorded over twenty years ago.

This also from the Commonwealth Australia Government.

My point in posting all this is sustainable gay relationships are equally reflected in what happens in straight relationships PLUS gay men in particular are more easily led by their loins than their hearts.

I have had two significant gay relationships. The first suffered it’s demise because I couldn’t deal with my own sexual control, the second failed because my partner wanted to sleep around.

I struggled with the ‘sexual freedom’ I gave myself when I first got divorced. For 11 years I was married and while I never compromised my fidelity in the flesh I certainly did in my mind. After my separation and divorce I was hell bent on experiencing all the things I was ‘denied’ as a teenager and early twenties that I perceived all gay boys do. The clubbing, sleeping around, lots of casual sex, and it happened to coincide with the advent of the online gay stuff: Gaydar, manhunt and so on. I thought I was in gay heaven. What I didn’t count on was how gay men can destroy your soul with their wish list of the perfect man. I was either to slim, not muscular or buff, not well endowed, too old or too old but looked younger than I should for my age, to ‘straight acting’, etc, etc.

What I did learn was how vapid and superficial the gay scene is and fell into the same shallow thought process the is expected of the scene queens YET discovering that most men wanted to be loved, cherished, accepted, forgiven, just like me. I suspect that when guys in their teens follow the scene they miss out on developing an emotional maturity that should be part of the growing up process when we meet and date someone. In the end when it comes to sustaining a relationship the emotional tools are simply not there. Hence we are left with the dilemma and question of whether gay people can have a meaningful, monogamous, spiritual and long lasting relationship.

To coin Anthony’s phrase ‘a life of unlearning’, many if not most gay men need to unlearn what has become their norm when looking at relationships. Before any gay man considers a relationship a lot of self examination is needed and also the guy he meets needs to have done the same thing. Again speaking from experience, I learned how to have very open and deep conversations with my second partner. it meant hearing things I didn’t want to hear, yet still love him. He and I learned after 4 years together that our relationship was more about what each of us was capable of giving to the other. in the end my partner made it clear that he wanted to have an open relationship and even went as far as sleeping around when he was working interstate, and then wanting us to have a third person in our relationship on a casual basis. I couldn’t do that. I didn’t want that, yet I allowed it to happen. In the end I didn’t want to impose my morality on him and we reached a point where neither of us was prepared to change who we were to accommodate the other. I still love him. after 15 months apart I still suffer pain because he is not part of my life, faults and all.

I really don’t know if its possible to have a fulfilling, monogamous gay relationship. Based on the above statistics I doubt whether the straight community can expect a fulfilling monogamous relationship either. As I write I haven’t yet met another Christian man who is gay that I could even dream of having a relationship with. I remain moderately optimistic but with a good pinch of reality.

Joined in 2008
March 31, 2011, 20:59

I really don’t know if its possible to have a fulfilling, monogamous gay relationship. Based on the above statistics I doubt whether the straight community can expect a fulfilling monogamous relationship either. As I write I haven’t yet met another Christian man who is gay that I could even dream of having a relationship with. I remain moderately optimistic but with a good pinch of reality.

Hi Marc,

I think a fulfilling, monogamous gay relationship is definately possible for LGBT people. There are some other threads on the forum which discuss this topic.

I like the concept of emotional intimacy where each gay partner is like a soulmate to the other and a where deeper connection exists beyond sexual intimacy to other areas like communication, commitment and values.

Just my thoughts 🙂

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
March 31, 2011, 21:03

Hi Pierre

You said:

I like the concept of emotional intimacy where each gay partner is like a soulmate to the other and a where deeper connection exists beyond sexual intimacy to other areas like communication, commitment and values.

That’s nice, Pierre. I like that idea too. 🙂 I think those things are definitely needed for a long term connection.I think also that both parties have to be equally committed to working on issues as they arise, ideally in a similar way.


Ann Maree

Joined in 2007
April 2, 2011, 13:39

I have to agree that all relationships, gay or straight, have to involve a commitment to work through the issues, and both people in the relationship have to want to work at it, and have to ‘see the relationship as them being with the other person’ – a shared vision of their future together. Shared values and / or spiritual beliefs, respect for each other’s views and their individuality and shared interests are a good place to start, and I suppose, that for me, these are the things that are going to make a relationship last the distance.

Over the years, some friends or just people that I knew in the GLBT community have joked that a ‘long term relationship is 3 months’. 🙁 I suppose that this can be the case for some people.

But I have quite a few gay friends who are in long term relationships – 4 – 8 – 10 – 20 year relationships. A couple of my friends have had mini anniversaries ‘to celebrate their relationship with their partner, and they have invited their friends to celebrate with them. I have said to them, that ‘I have had a front row seat to their love story’. At which point, they usually give me hugs – but we also know that they have gone through the good and the bad moments in their relationships, and that by discussion and a few disagreements, they have been working through the issues, and they are going strong. 🙂

I suppose that I look at their relationships and see the ‘possibilities’.

On the other hand, I know that some within the gay or straight community will say that a relationship is working if the sex is good or great. I suppose some rate their relationship on this basis from a selfish point of view – but I know that others – worry because they think that something is missing or think that the other person has lost interest or that the relationship has become boring, or worse, that maybe the relationship has run it’s course.

I suppose that whether someone is gay or straight, there are sometimes when someone is ‘hooking’ up with someone just for sex and then there are a whole lot more people and times, where they are really looking for a ‘relationship’ – whatever that means for each of us.

Like Marc Steel, when I came out, I was out there trying / experimenting a lot, and I was on Gaydar. These days a few of my friends are into Grinder – an IPhone app.

I suppose I started relationships from meeting guys while out clubbing / or at bars, or via online services, like Gaydar, and even met people at saunas as well. One of these, or maybe all, were the most common ways to meet potential boyfriends on the scene. Let’s just say that my relationship experiences were not great. One or the other got hurt, when the ‘relationship’ ended. But ultimately, on a positive note for me (and I hope for the person that I had dated), we learnt more about ourselves. I learnt what I really wanted and needed in the relationships.

And I also realised that I was probably going to the wrong places expecting to find ‘the one’ or ‘the relationship’. Let’s face it; you don’t go to the dry cleaners to buy your groceries. 🙂

Over the last couple of years, I have become more involved with gay centric social groups – a gay book readers club, a gay bushwalking / camping group, and I am more into dinner parties at friend’s places. I don’t go to these groups / or meet up with friends, specifically looking for relationships; But I get a lot of emotional value from the friendships that I have made or just simply hanging out with people with like minded interests. I belong to or am part of something.

I have to say though, that I don’t envy oooooo and Ann Maree or anyone else, for that matter living in country / remote locations. I have sometimes contemplated moving into a more rural location – but haven’t for various reasons.

It is good to have friends – especially when they know us and accept us – wherever we live. And it is important for us to connect with or belong to something. I suppose that is why online communities like F2B can provide us with a forum when we can not only find a supportive and safe place – but it can also be a place where we can find friendships as well. 🙂

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