I’ve written this many times. It gets a bit tedious after a while so ill keep it short.

I grew in the church a pentecostal pastors child. One of five. My parents were young and hip in the eyes of everyone. They were young and hip and had serious parenting issues. I left home at eighteen under a shroud of abuse and lies.

I went to a christian school which constantly told us that homosexuality was a sin. One teacher said otherwise, and she lightened my load just a little. I was involved in many ministries and was well known throughout my schooling for these ministries. I never had a boyfriend throughout high school- i thought i had missed puberty cause i had no sexual desire. My first real boyfriend was when i was 18. I loved him and still love him. I thought i was in love with him. But, when we started dating i felt nothing for him. No desire… nothing..

At this point i was a leader in my foursquare church, in youth, women and other ministries. I taught religious education at high schools and was well known in this community. I was 19. I had my first girlfriend at 19. She and both thought we were sinners and so kept in hiding throughout the entire relationship. It was an unhealthy relationship where she would not allow me to go out without her and would emotionally manipulate me on a daily basis. In the end she and i broke up because of church and guilt.

I lived a life of constant guilt because of the church and the community i grew up in. In 2000 i started going out with my serious real good quality amazing girlfriend. She was a pastors kid, a pastor herself and a mother of a two year old. I quit the church and resigned to my sexuality and hated myself and lived with an amazing amount of guilt. But, loved her and felt alive for the first time. My parents disowned me, and i was put into reparative therapy. My pastors kept telling me they missed me and needed me. That God loved me and wanted me back. I was angry with God but still kept going to church intermittently. I began getting involved in church. I broke the relationship off so many times. They made me go to reparative therapy again, elastic bands and the like. My counsellor ended up quitting on me, saying i was a hopeless case. We moved in together. Our guilt made us fight. We moved in together as “friends” to everyone, but we slept in the same room. I continued working in the church and feeling guilt constantly. I broke the relationship off again struggling with theology. I was not happy like this, but i loved church and the ministry etc etc. and i didnt want to lose all my friends.

I then decided to discover for myself what God said about homosexuality. God said to me i love you just as you are… you dont need to try and change who you are. I accepted who i was and am still accepting who I am. Its a long and slow process.

I told my pastors i thought it was okay for me to be who I am and love God. They said no, stood me down from ministries and told me i had to leave the church because i was setting a bad example for others. I told them it was sad that they could not grow. They told my friends they couldnt talk to me. so i lost all my friends.

I then moved in officially with my partner. I told my parents we were going to have a baby and they were not happy. They have slowly come to terms with this after calling me an abuser, etc etc etc

we had our baby in may 2006, so we now have two kids samuel who is ten and Maya six months. My parents are getting better:- my mother is obsessed with Maya, so that helps. I go to mcc sydney and am in the crave worship team. We have a beautiful christian family.

Spiritually i constantly evolve so i still believe in God and that ?Jesus was the son of God. I am also buddhist philosophy. I am an artist, musician, singer, songwriter, mental health case manager, teacher and learn new things each day. I am currently trying to get a tattoo apprenticeship so who knows…

Magsdee you can chat with me anytime if you want about this stuff…

I know the journey, and have worked people through this journey and supported them in whatever way i can. So, if you feel like it you can chat to me.

msn messenger details are [email protected]

or yahoo7 messenger details are [email protected]

feel free to add me

Hey Jannah,

That was very brave of you to persue where your heart was taking you. Being a Pastors daughter probably made it quite difficult. God look after you and your family and i hope the relationship with your parents only gets stronger and stronger. Its pretty sucky when the church forbids other people talking to you, i will never understand that. Have they forgotten that Jesus spoke to EVERYONE…..anyhow good for you.

Personally, i am still at the beginning of all of this, so its all a very interesting journey.

Bless

Magsdee

you’ll get lots of support here magsdee…….from people who not only care but really understand…….we are no longer alone.

thats right i remember now.

you may be interested to know Jannah that in the new edition of my book i talk about Ron and some of the people who have gone through the Living Waters programs. there is also the 5 page letter I wrote the National Executive of the AOG and I mention Ron there as well exgay prgrams in Oz such as Living Waters

thats shocking Rob…….so much judgement from people who follow the man who said “judge not lest you be judged” and ” whoever is without sin then go ahead and cast the first stone”