John, 39, not-yet-out there Gay adult, AOG-convert, BRISBANE

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Joined in 2007
March 9, 2009, 16:31

its rather weird as I thought for so many years that accepting my homosexuality would mean I’d become really promiscuous and debauched……but actually the opposite happened. Today I have a strong sense of morality and generally live by that. I feel that for the first time in my life…..I have integrity.

Why didn’t someone tell me that when I was a teenager.

Hear hear! I couldn’t agree more. I think I was much worse in a moral sense, back when I was denying and fighting against my orientation than I am now that I have come home to myself and learned to love and accept me as I am.

Such a pity that we didn’t know this years ago, but at least now, those who are following behind have more of a chance to hear that positive message, thanks to places like Freedom2B(e).

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
March 9, 2009, 21:03

I’ve often wondered about what makes that happen mazdragon….and asked my therapists if they can give any insight into this.

it seem the old adage…..what we resist….. persists

Joined in 2009
March 10, 2009, 12:33

I’ve been doing some thinking about what you’ve been saying and I’ve realised that quite a lot of the depression I’ve experienced has been because of un-requited love, which isn’t necessarily a homosexual problem.

I inevitably fall in love with someone who isn’t gay (or even more common or prevalent – who isn’t out), and the love cannot be reciprocated.

This has created great torment for me, as I do not get a high from gay bars or discos (I don’t drink or smoke) – one of the major places where gay people meet each other.

So I have to play the ‘guessing’ game in my straight-oriented world ‘Is he gay?’ – the one question of course I can’t ask for fear of literally being shot down and losing the friendship as well.

So does it become a lonely torture cabinet (or closet)? I’ve started looking at personals on line, I don’t really get any satisfaction from that either.

Church is my main community, and I still believe (am I correct???) that the Gay Christian life is a celibate calling, in every sense of the word.

Sometimes when I get stressed though, I feel the sexual tension building, and I give in to wanking (and this may be accompanied by gay porn), but in a strange way I also feel that this is asserting my gay identity. I don’t necessarily feel bad about it.

Certainly sleeping over at someone’s place would be a different level of engagement, something I wouldn’t do lightly.

And this has been the one big change in my life since my ‘exorcism’ (some work, some don’t) – I’m not addicted to sexual contact, and I don’t cruise looking for sex, with the same manic desperation that I used to.

That’s all gone from my system.

Today it’s all under control.

The exorcism didn’t change my orientation, and I certainly did not all of a sudden started wanting the opposite sex, but it did take the desperation out of my system.

I was now equilibrated, without the see-saw highs and lows of one addicted to sex, with all it’s manic-like behaviour.

I am now seeing counselling for male sexual abuse as a teenager, a different matter entirely. And whilst I feel I am OK about this chapter in my life now, I feel as if it is still something that has to be pursued.

This is a very malleable time for the formation of one’s sexual identity, and is probably why I have such an ambivalent view towards wanking.

The exorcism got rid of a lot of the confusion and upset surrounding that, but strangely enough I never had the chance to seek counselling for this matter in particular (or any gay-identity issues either), so this is something that, in both sense, I am happy to seek to do.

I shall continue to worship at my Church, seek counselling, and attend this forum, to see what direction the Holy Spirit takes me.

I ask you and thank you for your prayers, knowing that ‘all is possible through Jesus Christ’.


Joined in 2008
March 10, 2009, 20:50

Church is my main community, and I still believe (am I correct???) that the Gay Christian life is a celibate calling, in every sense of the word.

I think whatever works for you in a positive and healthy manner. If you are in a committed relationship with someone of the same gender, then naturally, intimacy on some level might be part of that relationship.

I like the concept of “emotional intimacy”, where both partners actively work to sustain and build a loving relationship on all levels, including sexual, social, professional and even financial.

Joined in 2008
March 10, 2009, 22:21

Church is my main community, and I still believe (am I correct???) that the Gay Christian life is a celibate calling, in every sense of the word.

It doesn’t have to be. I, for one, have met (well, online. 😛 ) many wonderful, brilliant celibate gay Christians who I have nothing but respect for. I think they are nothing but a blessing to the church. I think there is nothing wrong with celibacy. In fact, celibacy is praised as being a spiritual gift in the Bible. But I do not believe that being gay means you have to be celibate. I would encourage you to further study it out on your own to find answers, but I do not at all believe that God would make 5-10% of the population gay or bi and then demand they all have to be celibate. That doesn’t click in my brain. Plus, I just don’t think there’s anything wrong with gay relationships in the first place. If they are wholeheartedly committed to each other (and by that, I mean married), then I don’t see why God would have a problem with two men or two women consummating their relationship physically. They meet all the other requirements that a straight couple would have to meet to have sex, so why are we saying they can’t simply because they are gay? That’s what I think anyway, but other Christians will disagree, so I encourage you to have your own journey when it comes to this.

I think that our stories have many similarities. The biggest differences I can think of are that I was never old enough to do all the things you did, so I was insulated from a lot of that and that I was never sexually abused. But I still see the commonalities there that, I guess, are in every gay Christian coming out story. And, I never thought about it this way before, perhaps that means that the gay Christian church could unite in a way that no other Christian group could… interesting….

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