Having been registered on this forum for a while now, and a bit of a lurker before then, someone (?) has been ‘leaning’ on me to add my story. So, this older baby-boomer now complies.
Quite a few years ago, I had opportunity – for three years in a row – to sit in different circles of people (charismatic & evangelical) where we basically told our testimony of becoming and being a Christian. What struck me was the huge variety of ways people had come to faith (cautious versus dramatic, vastly different catalysts), the variety of backgrounds (from no faith to full-on family involvement), and the varying personal meaningfulness and practice of faith in the ongoing journey. Which was all at odds with the relatively simplistic formulas being proclaimed from pulpits in evangelical / charismatic circles.
So, as I have read and listened to the faith-&-sexuality journeys of many thanks mainly to F2b, it is obvious that we have a great variety of stories. Mine seems mild and relatively easy.
Just shows we cannot, and must not, put God in a box – as we so often want to do.
I grew up in a loving and staunch conservative/evangelical environment – with a long Christian heritage on both sides of the family, and quite a number of full-time Christian workers and lay leaders in the family network. So, “God” was always a part of my life. I made a Christian commitment as a child, but had my ups-&-downs (as you do) in holding to that commitment. Went through a bit of intellectual debate with self in later teens (assessing and resolving doubts). Quite involved in church and para-church activities and eventually into various lay leadership roles. Spent many years working (in a non-pastoral role) with a Christian organization.
Thinking back, I guess I was relatively shielded from much knowledge of homosexuality until my 20s. My own same-sex attraction sort of developed in my teens but, even into my 20s, was more ignored than supressed. Gradually, I accepted that the attraction was there – despite not being able to reconcile that with the church teaching that it was not acceptable. Not that I was exposed to any great overt and regular anti-gay teaching. Was more absorbed by a sort of osmosis.
Over time, my same-sex life and my faith life seemed to operate in separate compartments of my being. Thankfully, the conflict never attracted the deep emotions in my mind which some report (like fear, torment, hiding, lonely, dark days, depression, self-loathing, agonizing guilt, turmoil.) Although I did go through a phase of asking God “to free me” of what I perceived then to be wrong. Also chatted with three different pastors (two being supposed experts on the issue) about my conflict. Their well-meaning counsel and prayers didn’t work !! (Surprize, surprize.) Oh how glad I am now that I was never referred to ex-gay programmes. (Also, so glad I never fell for the peer-pressure of entering a heterosexual marriage – as so many contemporaries of my age did.)
Eventually and gradually, came to a point of accepting that “I am who I am”, “this is how God has made me” – even ‘though I still couldn’t reconcile that with supposed bible teaching. Just continued to keep my same-sex attraction and my faith activity in separate compartments. That meant, not being ‘out’ in much of my life.
Never really into ‘the scene’ in any major way (bars, clubs etc. – certainly not heavy drinking, drugs, porn, promiscuity, etc.). Gradually built up a network of friends and acquaintances (gay and not) to whom I was ‘out’ – without ever having specifically outed myself. So, suppose I fitted the classification: “out to some”.
The concept of being “outed”, or of outing myself, was initially viewed with some apprehension. But, gradually (I seem to use that word a lot, but it’s accurate) it has become a non-issue as I have become more and more assured of who I am. Don’t feel any compulsion to go around and deliberately ‘out’ myself to anyone. But am happy to answer truthfully if so asked. Being gay is only part of who I am.
It’s sort of funny, but in my whole life, I have only once been asked (by a hetro Christian mate), “are you gay?” Must be so much the classic “straight-acting” that no one draws any conclusion! But, it’s definitely not acting – just who I am. Even when I defend same-sex issues with Christians, they still don’t ask! (Some probably conclude I must be gay, but they aren’t game to ask??)
But, waiting for them (i.e., fellow Christians) to ask is part of a definite strategy on my part. I prefer a ‘softly, softly’ approach to breaking down the barriers and the ignorance. (Others are called to be more direct.)
Ultimately, I had to decide what was more important – my integrity (what I know to be true about myself) or my reputation (what others might think about me).
Now feel quite self-assured in the matter of my sexuality and my faith. Feel reconciled. The compartments are broken down. And a lot of that self-assurance and reconciliation comes from my involvement with Freedom2b (that’s all of you) .. .. .. to whom I say a big THANKYOU.
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