Hi everyone.. i live in the far north coast of nsw without any gblt churches. Have been a christian my whole life, mostly in pentecostal churches. From a very young age i dressed in boys clothes as it felt “right” – am happy now dressing however i want, but when i wear “man” clothes, i feel somehow completed. Although i was attracted to girls, my first sexual experience was with a boy after i left the extreme and fundamentalist church i grew up in for 21 years – 21 and never been kissed. :O At the time i was very attracted to my girlfriend but I was too scared of 1. going to hell and 2. of losing her friendship.
I soon met and married my first husband and one of my thoughts was in doing this i would never experience being with a woman. He was abusive and the marriage didn’t last so i moved on with two daughters. Still i was afraid of going to hell if i was in a relationship with a woman so i married a man again,(a pentecostal pastor!) had two more daughters and as before the marriage was abusive so i moved out. Sex in itself with men has been ok but not great.. my first husband raped me for 10 years and my second was sexually unattracted to me and violent so even though i didn’t even really want sex per se, i still felt rejected by him.
This was 13 years ago and about 6 years ago i decided to act on my attraction to women. It felt good, natural, easy. I had previously told my (fundamental conservative) parents that i was gay, who surprisingly reacted with, “oh darling, i could have told you that years ago” and, “that doesn’t surprise me at all”. So..although i continue to be attracted to women, my dreams are about women and always have been, i’m not in any relationships as although i have identified as gay i have been a member of a liberal and alive charismatic church who actively preach that homosexuality is a sin. I have had in-depth counselling with this church who have told me that if i believe it is ok to be gay i must also believe it is ok to be a child molester, one of the pastors has accused me of being a sexual pervert.
During this time i had deliverance en masse, prayer, you name it and i have been continually obedient to God’s Spirit in all areas of healing and my life. They told me i am attracted to women because of a lot of child sex abuse and the two abusive marriages. It is confronting for them because despite everything, i remain attracted to women. Their answer has been to call me perverted. I have had to leave this church as they also gave the left foot of fellowship to another woman who was born with male sex organs and had a gender reassignment..she too has been a christian all her life. I read somewhere on this site that people who suppress their sexual orientation can be suicidal, depressed and experience leaving their body. This has been me until now on meds but i also understand people who have been sexually abused can also experience these.
My three big questions are: am i gay because of the child sex abuse and was that concreted because of abuse by men as an adult? and; if so, why after so much prayer/deliverence/councelling am i still attracted to women? and; can anyone prove to me i am not headed for hell – I love Jesus so much, and; are there any women who are only attracted to men but could easiy kiss and make love with another woman – i guess i’m asking if there is such a thing as a “real” bi-sexual. I quite like the idea of a “big strong man” but i am attracted to the softness and roundness of women and i don’t like male sex organs. I’m 51 and need to make some decisions about who i am. If i hadn’t been a christian all my life with all its anti-gay teaching, the decision would have been so easy. Now….just very confusing.