Lesbian 51 charismatic/pente out but confused

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Joined in 2010
July 4, 2010, 22:43

Hi everyone.. i live in the far north coast of nsw without any gblt churches. Have been a christian my whole life, mostly in pentecostal churches. From a very young age i dressed in boys clothes as it felt “right” – am happy now dressing however i want, but when i wear “man” clothes, i feel somehow completed. Although i was attracted to girls, my first sexual experience was with a boy after i left the extreme and fundamentalist church i grew up in for 21 years – 21 and never been kissed. :O At the time i was very attracted to my girlfriend but I was too scared of 1. going to hell and 2. of losing her friendship.

I soon met and married my first husband and one of my thoughts was in doing this i would never experience being with a woman. He was abusive and the marriage didn’t last so i moved on with two daughters. Still i was afraid of going to hell if i was in a relationship with a woman so i married a man again,(a pentecostal pastor!) had two more daughters and as before the marriage was abusive so i moved out. Sex in itself with men has been ok but not great.. my first husband raped me for 10 years and my second was sexually unattracted to me and violent so even though i didn’t even really want sex per se, i still felt rejected by him.

This was 13 years ago and about 6 years ago i decided to act on my attraction to women. It felt good, natural, easy. I had previously told my (fundamental conservative) parents that i was gay, who surprisingly reacted with, “oh darling, i could have told you that years ago” and, “that doesn’t surprise me at all”. So..although i continue to be attracted to women, my dreams are about women and always have been, i’m not in any relationships as although i have identified as gay i have been a member of a liberal and alive charismatic church who actively preach that homosexuality is a sin. I have had in-depth counselling with this church who have told me that if i believe it is ok to be gay i must also believe it is ok to be a child molester, one of the pastors has accused me of being a sexual pervert.

During this time i had deliverance en masse, prayer, you name it and i have been continually obedient to God’s Spirit in all areas of healing and my life. They told me i am attracted to women because of a lot of child sex abuse and the two abusive marriages. It is confronting for them because despite everything, i remain attracted to women. Their answer has been to call me perverted. I have had to leave this church as they also gave the left foot of fellowship to another woman who was born with male sex organs and had a gender reassignment..she too has been a christian all her life. I read somewhere on this site that people who suppress their sexual orientation can be suicidal, depressed and experience leaving their body. This has been me until now on meds but i also understand people who have been sexually abused can also experience these.

My three big questions are: am i gay because of the child sex abuse and was that concreted because of abuse by men as an adult? and; if so, why after so much prayer/deliverence/councelling am i still attracted to women? and; can anyone prove to me i am not headed for hell – I love Jesus so much, and; are there any women who are only attracted to men but could easiy kiss and make love with another woman – i guess i’m asking if there is such a thing as a “real” bi-sexual. I quite like the idea of a “big strong man” but i am attracted to the softness and roundness of women and i don’t like male sex organs. I’m 51 and need to make some decisions about who i am. If i hadn’t been a christian all my life with all its anti-gay teaching, the decision would have been so easy. Now….just very confusing.

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
July 5, 2010, 16:04

hi there jatara…… good to have you with us. Welcome to your loving and supportive community…..something you seem to have not found in church life. I was sad when I read your story and the way you”ve been treated. The ignorance displayed by church leadership is appalling……and abusive.

To answer one of your questions. The sexual abuse theory re the cause of homosexuality is a very dated concept. it could never be proven scientifically.

Sexual abuse though can impact a persons ability to accept thier same sex orientation…..we have discussed this impact often on the forum. Maybe you could search sexual abuse in the box at the top right hand corner….or maybe one of our wonderful moderators will find it for you.

BTW… did you find us.

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
July 5, 2010, 19:33

Hi Jatara

Welcome! It’s so good that you have found us here at f2b.

A few things stand out to me from your story: Firstly, how can Christians be abusive and then stand in judgment about those who are loving and happen to be LGBT? And for church leaders to put homosexuality in the same category as pedophilia, is not only incredibly offensive but shows their absolute ignorance. To then personally call you a sexual pervert is a ridiculous thing to say, and again, incredibly ignorant and damaging. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head when you said it’s “confronting” to those church people who’ve tried to ‘pray away the gay’. Their prayers haven’t worked so this has left them feeling insecure and rather than accept that we don’t always have all the answers, they’ve reached for another option – to blame you when their prayer efforts didn’t go how they thought they should! Sadly, this is what many do when they don’t understand something and are afraid. They find a way to blame minorities who are triggering their discomfort and confronting them with something they can’t answer.

In answer to your questions, it’s very difficult to prove absolutely that homosexuality is acceptable from scripture because there isn’t much said on the topic. And most modern translations don’t seem to be accurate. Likewise I believe it’s also difficult to prove we’re going to hell for being gay. Just look at the original meanings of words in their proper contexts and you’ll realise they bear no relation whatsoever to what is often preached from the pulpit. It’s important to look more deeply at the scriptures that are used against the LGBT community and not automatically accept a superficial interpretation. And just because something is preached from the pulpit, even if it is by a gifted preacher/pastor, doesn’t guarantee the message is based on a good understanding of scripture. Going to bible college for a brief stint really opened my eyes to that. If you’re interested, check out the articles in our resource section by Keith Dyer and Nathan Nettleton. They’re long but give a more balanced view of things.

I think it’s fine to be attracted to male strength while also having an overall preference for female softness. I can relate to that. 🙂

And from you’ve said at the end:

If i hadn’t been a christian all my life with all its anti-gay teaching, the decision would have been so easy.

Maybe you’re considering that the church may be the one with the problem rather than you?

Keep sharing with us, jatara. It’s great to hear from you.

Also, it sounds as if your parents were quite accepting of your sexuality despite their Christian beliefs, which is encouraging. Is this the case?


Ann Maree

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
July 9, 2010, 09:10

How’s things, jatara? 🙂

Joined in 2010
July 9, 2010, 23:05

Hi anne-marie and Anthony…thanks for asking…i have been greatly helped by others stories and the supportive replies to them. Have been reading Benjamin Dunn’s “Happy Gospel” and becoming more and more convinced that God loves me just the way i am and i am finding a new freedom in my life. Yes, my mum especially is supportive – she is reading your book Anthony and says she is prepared to change her view…i suggested she join the site – she will die sometime this year from a brain tumour and i love that she is still prepared to be educated about things – i love that she loves me so much that it’s important for her to be more educated about me and my world. Thanks both of you for your support – btw Anthony my fb name and real name is Sunflower so that may help you to join some dots 🙂 (and i will email you about finances…am just off on a short holiday for 10 days) I have decided to not return to the church i was going to …the pastor is making a point of passing on her judgements of me to everyone i had a friendship with…how to lose 50 friends in one week! ha ha…not really friends were they 🙁 I do wish there was a physical freedom2be group in northern rivers area.. there are very few gay christians up this way and def. no glbt churches. Very little chance of meeting a partner also as the scary butch scene is very big here and seems very troubled with domestic violence, drugs and alcohol. however, in myself and am excited and confident in who my God is and how He feels about me 🙂 and that is the most important thing right now (always 🙂 ) love jatara


July 10, 2010, 12:30

Thanks for sharing your story Jatara.

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