Letting the cork out of the bottle

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Joined in 2007
December 11, 2007, 13:05

Trying to discuss this by being sensitive to the posting guidelines and not saying anything I shouldn’t. So, here goes…

First, a little background on me. I’m male, 33 years old. I only ‘came out’ this year.

Prior to the beginning of that process, I hadn’t been on anything that could be remotely described as a date for about 9.5 years. Back then, I had dated a girl for a couple of months. Even back then, I was fairly clear in my mind that my true desire was to be with a guy, but I wouldn’t allow myself that. And in the time after that, I pretty much took the view that it wasn’t appropriate to date women either, not unless I could be genuine and honest with them that my feelings were (at the very least) very conflicted.

So, no contact with guys. But plenty of imagining and fantasising and so forth.

Now that I have come out is what I want to talk about. I have lost count of the number of times that I’ve said to people that I’m feeling and acting more like a teenager than an adult. It’s as if I’ve picked up learning about relationships back at the age when I first started having clear feelings for guys – around 15 or 16.

And guys around that age do a lot of experimentation. They make rash decisions on the basis of hormones. They’re awkward at converting feelings into actual relationships.

All of which is very true of me at the moment. I keep looking at myself and thinking “who ARE you?” As a Christian I have – or thought I have – certain values and principles about relationships and what is appropriate behaviour. But it seems as if a part of me is really caught up in making up for lost time, as it were, and wanting to experience guys in a way that isn’t terribly compatible with some of those values.

It’s all come out in a rush – hence the title of the thread.

Can anyone else relate to this at all? Is this just a natural product of suppressing feelings for years and years, and then finally letting them out?

December 11, 2007, 17:44

Absolutely. I was 30 when I came out. Besides one brief fling when I was a teenager(which didn’t involve intercourse) I was a virgin, for the same reason you stated. I was not attracted to women and believed that homosexuality was a sin. Also my church believed in no sex before marriage.

When I came out I had a ravenouse desire to make up for lost time, so to speak. I was going to a beat or sauna just about every night. This continued for close to a year. I am in a monogamous relationship these days but have no issue with people who need sex on a regular basis. Is it really any worse than staying at home making love to Mr Palmer and his five sons?

Joined in 2006
December 12, 2007, 08:38

sounds very normal to me

i came out af couple of years ago – i am now 41 and i went through exactly that, i felt so foolish in one sense – i thought i was a teenager lol, but things settled down and i recovered my stance on things and i guess some sense of ‘morality’. But in saying that i agree also to a reasonable degree that if one has ‘needs’ then well we are human. One thing i personally believe is that christianity as a whole does not deal with sex very well and it is still so much a ‘no go ‘ zone, That is not to say orgies etc are all ok, but the issue of sexuality and sex in itself is something that is still not discussed on levels i think it should be.

(original issue) I think that it is a normal experience for many people regardless of the age, as it seems to me to be a ‘natural/normal’ experience in the majority of people’s journeys as a human being. The christian church, in my opinion, does not deal well with teens on this whole issue, and in some people’s cases who bloom late, the issue is the same as a teen.

Joined in 2007
January 11, 2008, 12:57

Oh look, this topic is still on the first page… 😛

This is a vent as much as anything. I don’t expect people to have nice pat answers for me. But I needed to expess this somewhere and this seems the best spot.

I have made plans for my weekend where the hormones have definitely ruled the head. And I change my mind about every hour or so on how I feel about that. Part of me says ‘you really should be a bit more sensible’, another part says ‘you need this, you have to live, and learn, and find out what you really want’.

It’s complicated enough dealing with homosexuality, and with the morality of relationships and in what context is sex appropriate. But I just add to the complication by, um, how do I put this? Having some tastes that are outside the norm.

And I really don’t know what to do about that. I mean, are we just talking about yet another variation of sexuality? Is it any different to being gay, where some people will tell me it’s abnormal and some will tell me it’s not? It really struck me when one of the clergy at my church was perfectly okay with me being gay and said it wasn’t a sin (he has a gay son), but then reacted negatively when I also told him I was kinky. Why is that? Where does the boundary line get drawn between what is and isn’t acceptable?

Sigh. It’s rather like ‘coming out of the closet’ not once, but twice.

Joined in 2006
January 11, 2008, 15:51

I agree with the guys that your response to being as sexually active as you are is just from being so repressed for so long, it is normal and usually settles down. You have me intrigued tho about the next part of your coming out tho, I wont ask what it is but im intrigued shock the perks of being a woman wink nosey as hell lol

Joined in 2007
January 16, 2008, 01:10

I wrote my response the other day and for some reason it didn’t load in the right way… not to worry.

Here are my thoughts.

What you are experiencing is quite normal. My only advice is to follow your heart and don’t rush if you can help it 🙂 . Enjoy and savour every moment and if the other half is keen on exploring your kinky ways then that’s even better 😉 . The best you can do is to pray over your upcoming special moment and give it a blessing because its something sacred and you are giving a part of you to another person and he is giving back to you 🙂 .

It’s hard to think with pre-teenage hormones running through our head (I’m talking about the one in the underpants :oops:) that we repressed when we were younger. I remember being so instatible when I first twitched on sex at tender age of 28 with my first and only partner 😆 . I look back with a wry smile. I was quite full on… and I’m very proud to say that I am so settled and able to spend alot of time on this forum to discuss things, do my assignment, complete various activities and reserve enough energy for love making.

Oh and wear the appropriate protections eg. condom, lubes, the right light and eat light meal and avoid cheese or diary product if you can.

Most of all bro, enjoy and savour each moment.

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
January 16, 2008, 13:14

hi Orfeo……this a topic we have discussed several times at our F2B chapter meetings. We could put this under the subject heading of “Discovering your personal Boundaries” …..this is by no means telling you what to do. I’ll just share from my experience and observations of others who have written to me………actually this now sounds like a dear Dorothy Dix response….. 😆 😆 😆

When I came out the sexual addiction i had while i was suppressing my sexuality died immediately. If I’d believe in deliverance I’d have to say i was delivered. Funny that I sought that for so long and didn’t realise it was my acceptance not the suppression that would set me free.

Initially I was in a monogamous relationship. When that was over I was able to do as I pleased. Sexually I didn’t go wild but I was certainly active.

As I had left all sense of God out of my life I felt there was no real purpose for me. So I just enjoyed myself. 5 years of full on partying continued. Looknig back…..only recently……I’ve come to realise that possibly that time was why i never spent a day in therapy. I was possibly working out all the anger inside unconsciously. There were a number of self destructive behaviours that i was involved in. Probably a miracle i’m still alive actually.

From 1998 things changed for me. I regained my sense of purpose and relationship with God.

this left me with the delimma you now face I think. I’ve accepted my gay self… how do i live that with integrity. This is the big question that will have to be resolved for gay christians……and there probably is not a simple answer.

Can I say this. When a person is in the church there are certain rules to live by and behaviours that are expected.

When we come out and if we become a part of the scene then you will find there are also another set of rules and expectations. We conformed in the church and there is great pressure to conform in the gay scene.

what has worked for me is be very clear about what is right for me, determine my morality and endeavour to live by it. So there are many things that i wont do and places i wont go. not because anyone told me I shouldn’t…..its just that it doesn’t feel right for me and i wont be pressured to conform.

Two things guide my sense of morality.

1. is what i’m doing demonstrating respect for myself and serving me.

2. is what i’m doing demonstrating respect for the other person and honouring them.

If I can’t answer yes to both those questions then in most cases i dont go ahead. The times i have gone ahead i’ve felt bad about what i’ve done. I dont condemn myself for that but recognise it as a lesson so that i’m even more clearer about MY personal boundaries.

Does that help?

this article might also give you some other insights to help you come to decisions.

BTW…..’m coming to Canberra to speak….F2b is putting on a public forum.

Joined in 2006
January 16, 2008, 18:29

Thanks Anthony this has also helped me too, its put words to what I feel.

Joined in 2007
January 18, 2008, 00:38

And it helps to be with a Christian lover too… gosh I didn’t have that wild moment described in this thread. I was so in love with the christian guy that I knew for many years. Sigh… at least I can say I was so innocent till I met him… (shhhh he was a pastor at the time 😯 ) and we kept our relationship between us and God. I moved to Sydney so I could assist him with the Church … we left due to a disagreement in principle (the pastor kept pestering the congregation for a brand new car so in the end a couple ended up giving him their new car and bought a bomb to transport their kids to school and they were in debt) 😡 .

Thanks Anthony for adding your bit… I wanted to say that I already had a list of guidelines before I slept with a man… one of them was that he had to be a christian and gay… gosh… that happened… and that was the man who swtiched me on to the current time… together this would be our 13th year.



Joined in 2006
January 18, 2008, 09:02

Wow 13 yrs….thats just awesome Craig x D

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