Lots of wondering

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Joined in 2016
May 10, 2016, 01:02

Hi – I'm new here 🙂

Doing lots of wrestling at the moment. I have a family member who has recently identified as bi and this started me on quite a journey.

I am in the leadership team in a church. I have been married for over 20 years but not very happily, especially the last few. Some of this has to do with my husband's mental health.

I have experienced fleeting same sex attractions in the past but basically have ignored them. But now I have a major crush on someone who I'm not free to pursue and she is also not free even if she was interested.

In all of this I am wrestling with who I am really. Thinking I am bi – and wondering what that means. Also wondering whether to end my marriage. Have 2 kids in the mix too. Wonder if my attraction to women is partly because of all I have lacked in my marriage.

Doing lots of reading on theology, much thinking, trying to pray. Exhausted….

Blessings to you all in your own journeys.

Joined in 2014
May 10, 2016, 11:26

Hi Ellie,

Welcome! You certainly do have a lot going on. Feel free to talk here.

It also sounds like some counselling could help.

A sympathetic person, recommended for LGBTs, is Matt Glover in Melbourne – apparently he also does skype counselling, but someone may be able to recommend someone closer.

Take care and hugs to you.

P.S. I can recommend some books when you feel up to it.

Joined in 2016
May 10, 2016, 22:01

Thanks Cheval. So appreciate the welcome and the hugs.

It helps a lot just to say all if that "out loud" … But will also look into counselling.

What books would you recommend?

Joined in 2014
May 11, 2016, 08:00

Try Matthew Vines' 'God and the gay christian', if you want theology that's easy to read.

Kathy Baldock's 'Walking the bridgeless canyon' has other insights as well.

Andrew Marin's 'Love is an orientation' has great advice on loving LGBT people, expecially good to give straight people.

Justin Lee's 'Torn' ('Unconditional' is the british title) is a great memoir.

UK Book Depository is an easy way to get these books. Postage is included in the price.

Eliel Cruz writes a lot about being bisexual –

A secular resource from Beyond Blue – :

The new, Australian (!) documentary, Here I am –

By the way – if you are ever concerned for your and/or your children's safety due to your husband's mental health problems – please get help immediately.

Take care.

Joined in 2016
May 12, 2016, 13:44

Thankyou! I will have a look at the books and web links.

I have seen the Here I Am doco – thought it was very good and really helpful.

Lots for me to work through – a journey ahead. But I feel very hopeful.

My home situation doesn't pose any safety issues, thank you for the concern. It is more a weight and burden after many years of carrying the family and not seeing much hope for change.

I am thinking of visiting a gay affirming church in the next few weeks as well as continuing with reading etc. I am looking forward to seeing what that's like.

Blessings and thanks.

Joined in 2014
May 14, 2016, 23:05

Please don't hesitate to come back to us if we can help.


Joined in 2016
July 14, 2016, 04:12

Thinking of telling my husband in the next couple of weeks

1) that I think we should work towards separation

2) About my sexuality

Feeling scared, sad, a bit lonely and concerned about the impact on everyone. But also realizing things can't continue as they are….

Joined in 2014
August 13, 2016, 18:34

I've had a busy July. Sorry I didn't see this.

Please take care.

If you really need to talk to someone urgently, please use the contact button. Someone will get back to you.

Joined in 2016
August 30, 2016, 14:31

Hi Cheval – thanks.

I have had the hard conversation and am working through what comes next. Lots of grieving.

I am okay and have people I can reach out to.


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