Married 50 but only just realised I'm lesbian/bi

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Sweet child of God
Joined in 2014
November 13, 2014, 17:52


I desperately wanted to be a boy. I wasn't accepted by the boys but I didn't want to be a girl either – I guess I thought of "tomboy" like it was almost a separate gender. As I got older there was increasing pressure to wear a dress sometimes, which made me uncomfortable. I remember sobbing inconsolably aged 8 or 9 about not being born a boy. I started getting sick a lot as a child around this time with sore throats and tummy pains, which I only now realise was probably related.

Teen Years

I recently reread my diaries from aged 15-20. I had completely forgotten I fantasized about my female friends and had dreams that I was a boy having a relationship with a girl. At 15-17 I still wanted to be a boy, but I kept that secret. At 17 I prayed about the issue and it seemed obvious to me then that homosexuality must be wrong so I must have a choice to stop thinking about girls and focus on boys. From then I basically suppressed any thoughts about girls. I didn't really look at girls and women to even notice what they wore, because I wasn't at all interested in girly clothes, makeup etc.When I was 18 I had a boyfriend for a few months. I was devastated when we broke up.

Marriage and kids

I married at 24. He is my first and only sexual partner. Things went OK for us. I had my kids when I was 27-30. I was a stay home Mum and I was a good and nurturing Mum but I found the role hard. I was unwell with what was diagnosed as chronic fatigue when I was 31. I did recover after a year or two. Now I wonder if I was sick because my psyche and body were so out of sync at that time.

In my 30s I noticed dreams and fantasies about being male in a relationship with a woman. It never occurred to me then that I actually might be attracted to women (duh). Instead I worked through the issue of whether I might still want to be male. Transitioning was something I'd never even heard of when I was young. I realise now I should have sought counselling at this point, but I felt so deeply ashamed that I could not face it. Somehow I got to the point where I accepted that I am female but embrace my strong "masculine" side. I knew deep down I had some kind of issue with my sexuality,but I avoided the issue.

Aged 48-50

I got really sick at the end of 2012 and put it down to multiple stresses and professional burnout in my job. In 2014 I changed jobs to something too stressful and lasted 3 months before I crashed with physical symptoms of fatigue and sore throat. The doctors found no real answers and I was too ill to leave the house for 6 weeks, and then slowly began to recover over months. I wondered if there might be some depression so I began to work on that and saw a counsellor.

Then I met a woman that I just instantly clicked with and wondered why I couldn't stop thinking about her. Finally as a 50 year old I had changed my thinking on homosexuality so I had the openness to look at myself honestly, to look at women and ask myself to notice my own reactions, to look back through my life noticing all those things that pointed to an attraction to women.

Now I feel different inside. My libido has shot up dramatically. I feel happier, more confident and more at peace with myself since I realised that I am gay, and that I should also stop conforming to my mother's expectations of what it means to be a woman. I realise I was carrying a baggage of shame and sadness that had been there my entire life so I didn't even notice it.

My husband and I have always communicated well so we talked about what I was discovering about myself right from the start. I have told a couple of other people, including my church minister who was supportive. Telling my very religious elderly mother and sisters will not be easy, but I feel like this is something I will need to do. I will be telling more people soon, but I am waiting to check whether the effects of a steroidal nasal spray (for allergies) have increased my testosterone or amplified this all for me as I started on that at the time I began to notice this

It has come as such a surprise I keep questioning if it is really true. Religious beliefs stopped me from identifying it before this. Also my husband is such a kind partner, so I was sexually satisfied.

What I am still trying to work out is whether or how much attraction I have to men and more specifically what to do about my marriage. I don't think I have ever really been physically attracted to my husband but I married him for all his good qualities, and his response to me in all this has been truly amazing. He is fine with the changes I am making to how I dress. We are so emotionally close after 26 years it is really hard to imagine splitting up, but on the other hand I feel a pull towards more fully expressing who I am and it would be hard now to forgo ever being with a woman. I am torn, I really don't want to see him hurt and this is the hardest thing.

Joined in 2008
November 13, 2014, 22:20

Hi sweet child of God,

Welcome to f2b. Thank you for sharing your story with us 🙂

Wow! What a journey you have been and still are on. Through many conversations over time I have heard so many stories and many different situations that people find themselves in. Please know you are in very good company 🙂

Everyone who is involved in freedom2b has a unique story and there will be others who may see similarities with their own lives. We will do all we can to support you and offer assistance. If you need any further help please let me know [email protected]

Warm regards


Joined in 2011
November 14, 2014, 18:06

You are indeed a sweet child of God! And what an amazing journey you have been on. From my own experience trying to suppress who you really are takes a huge toll emotionally and physically so being able to own to yourself and others this reality is freeing, even though it does not come without its difficulties.

And remember always no matter what others may say to you, you are always a sweet child of God, part of God's good creation, made in God's image, and loved unconditionally by God.


Sweet child of God
Joined in 2014
November 15, 2014, 17:01

Thanks Michelle and Bev. It is good to be affirmed. That is what I am looking for by posting here. I'm not quite ready to talk to friends and family yet, but I feel isolated and confused and need someone to give me a pat on the shoulder from a distance and tell me they understand me and that I am accepted and OK.

I feel at times like I am living a double life, because I am still kind of playing the old role that everyone is used to, while at other times I am allowing myself to act and think in new ways. Then I question which is the reality. For so long the thoughts have been this unatainable fantasy world inside my head and now I am flipping that around and saying those thoughts and fantasies reflect the true me. At other times I wonder am I just making too much of all this to myself and I need to settle down, stop obsessing about it and go on as I was. I am wondering if I come out to more people whether that will help it all to feel more real and less like a split personality. I am wondering if I can be true to myself and still stay married. I suspect time will answer these questions, but it's hard to be so unsure about what my life is going to look like in a few months time.

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
November 16, 2014, 22:24

Hi Sweet child of God.

Welcome from me and thanks for posting! You are in the right place at f2b and we hope you find this a supportive, helpful environment as we have. 🙂

The double life you describe does take a while to work through. Just go at your own pace. You are still in the process of coming out to yourself so allow yourself that time and you will know when to come out to others. There's no hurry.

You mentioned that you had seen a counsellor for depression. Was that helpful and would you consider seeing someone now to work through this major adjustment?


Ann Maree

Sweet child of God
Joined in 2014
November 17, 2014, 22:18

Hey Ann Maree.

Thanks for your reply. I'm sure you are right that I need to give myself time. I tend to analyse things intensely and then come up with a solution, but that approach does not seem to be enough on this occasion, and I will have to be patient and stop putting myself under pressure.

I have been seeing a counsellor about this, which has been helpful and I will continue with the counselling while I work through understanding what this all means for me. I am also finding journal writing and praying helpful at times. Talking to people when I can and even small comments like yours can be very helpful and grounding for me. So thank you. 🙂

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