Hello All!
Wow! I’ve read some real inspiring testimonials here! I hope that mine inspires as well… Here goes!
At the age of 42 I had long been a “Full Gospel Christian” filled with the Holy Spirit, tongue talking and operating in the “Gifts of the Spirit” but totally hated myself for being… Gay. I had bought into the lie that you can be delivered from homosexuality. I knew in my spirit that God had made me this way but still considered it as my “thorn in the flesh” and figured like Paul, God’s grace was sufficient for me and conceded that there was no “deliverance” coming. I prayed for God to deliver me… and yet no magical deliverance came. I began avoiding Church and full gospel people knowing that the Pastor/Preacher would see the Gay in me and call me out in front of the congregation. I was terrified! I had a real relationship with God and knew the voice of God (within) and that He was saying “delivered from what”?!?! But, how could it be? Why could I hear this but seemingly no others were hearing this? How could (I) possibly be hearing the voice of God regarding this and others could not? It must be Satan I thought. I would lay hands on myself and try to cast the devil’(s) out. But alas, to no avail. Finally I had had enough and said to God, “If you don’t deliver me from homosexuality and right now, I’m going to accept that I am a gay man and that you made me this way”! I thought, there, I told Him! (Expecting some lightning bolt to surely strike me dead on the spot)! I decided to “come out” and told everyone that I had been living a lie and that I was not going to hide my sexuality that God had given me for anyone or anything again. At 42 I had lost quite a bit of weight and had managed to get my life and body back in shape and was looking and feeling good about myself for the first time in my life! Boy! Did I ever come out! Got into the promiscuity trap and was a little too busy! I moved to the Aspen valley in Colorado and met the love of my life there. I was NOT looking for anyone really, and especially NOT someone nearly half my age. He had just gotten out of a relationship with a 52 year old man at the time and was looking for someone stable, and I was his knight in shinning armor. We talked all night the first night we met and just clicked and both knew that something special was happening to both of us. We fell in love but didn’t “consummate” for six months as he wanted to make absolute sure that we were meant to be as his previous partner had cheated on him. But after about 9 months whilst in the Central Coast area of NSW Australia, I began to notice something a bit off about him. He would spend hours in front of the computer playing games online. When hugged by anyone (including me) his whole body would become ridged and he felt awkward. He was frustrated all the time at everything. He couldn’t focus on tasks and would forget to carry out simple tasks. He seemed so distant and uncaring. I would ask him what was wrong and he would say “nothing is wrong”. Finally, one of his family disclosed that he had ADHD and was OCD. Little did I know that he had become a champion at hiding his past abuse as a child because of his ADHD and OCD. We were together for 11 years and married on Maui, and until just this week our marriage ended in toxic fits of rage. Thirteen years of both of us denying that he truly had ADHD and OCD. Had I known and researched these disorders I may have been able to help IDK. Two weeks ago he was officially diagnosed with severe Adult ADHD, Severe OCD and Autism Spectrum Disorder. This finally explained most of his emotional issues and why he couldn’t be hugged. Because of a series of events last year in July, he left me in Australia while we were there on business, and went back to Maui. We had both lost our jobs in Australia as Trustee’s for a Religious/Corporate Trust and our lives blew up! Two months later he left me for a Lesbian with 3 children whom he had been talking to online for 8 years. She has convinced him that he is bisexual as she is as well. She is still with her previous male partner. And now he tells me that he has Transgender Dysphoria! And through all of this he has lost his faith in God and now considers himself an atheist. He has surrounded himself with like minded people who don’t know him or of his disorders. As for me? I’ve NOT lost my faith in God! “though he slay me, yet shall I praise Him”! It’s devastating to see and hear him now. Chaos is all over his face… I’m told by mutual friends that he is suicidal and fragile and his pictures that I have seen from his FB page tell the tale. The more I try and help, the more he resists. He was a man of GREAT Faith! We saw MANY absolute HUGE miracles together. Even in this awful storm (the worst of my life), I see God working. The past year has been one hell of a ride my friends! But, my feet are planted firm in God and knowing that “all is well between me and my best friend (God)” IDK why God allowed this test and trial, but I do know that He will see me through.
Your thoughts and comments are welcomed.
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