Hi, my name is Ellen; I am a 44 year old lesbian who loves God with all my heart.
sorry it seems quite long, not sure how to shorten it.
I have always known I am attracted to women, but felt like I couldn’t express it or deal with it until recently. During a time of total confusion in my early twenties I fell pregnant with my son and soon after that married his father. It was a truly confusing time in my life. I felt compelled to try and do the right thing (according to conventional way of thinking). I stayed in an unhappy marriage for 15 years and had two other wonderful boys. They are an amazing part of my life. My marriage wasn’t necessarily unhappy because I am gay, It was due to my ex being an abusive and angry person.
After 15 years of unhappiness with him I decided I’d had enough and we separated. I stayed single for seven years after my divorce, constantly struggling with which path I was going to take… knowing that I really only wanted to be with a woman yet not quite ready to do it… I have been a Christian since the time I was pregnant with my first son. 21 years ago. I became a Christian right at a time when I was really searching for who I was, confused about being married, pregnant and wanting something else for my life. God came into my life and transformed me. He turned me into a person I could never have been on my own. The time in my marriage wasn’t all hard, I grew as a Christian, made a wonderful life with my boys and started running my own accounting practice.
About 18 months ago I began thinking about a partner for my life. I started looking for a woman to share my life with. I no longer wanted to be alone. It was a strange time, I felt somehow like I couldn’t hide my true self and desires and feelings anymore. I knew there would be a cost, but I wasn’t aware of how painful and hard things were going to get.
Before I’d met a woman or even started a relationship or even knew another lesbian, I told my best friend and my pastor about my orientation. They were shocked. At that time I thought I should be honest and tell my pastor about myself and that I was going to seek a female partner. He suggested I go to therapy which I did. – This didn’t help me. I knew who I was and I wasn’t about to try and change, this path was what I wanted more than anything.
I met a woman, so doing the right thing I told my pastor, he told me that I should step down from all my ministries. I was devastated; I had spent 21 years ministering in this one church. My ministry to women had come to a halt. My positions on the leadership team and as a youth worker also were also taken from me. I no longer felt welcome in a church I had spent the greater part of my life in. I felt abandoned and rejected by people I thought were my family. I was told not to continue teaching Bible Study to my group of ladies and that someone else would take on my role. I was specifically asked not to even attend the youth ministry that I had started and kept going for three years, I couldn’t attend even just as a helper. I still grieve the loss of my church; I think I will for a long time.
To make things worse I lost my support group; my best friend was devastated by my orientation. She and her husband still can’t speak to me; they were my best friends for most of my adult life. They and all those in my ladies Bible study group have stayed away from me and left me feeling very much alone. Thanks to freedom 2 be I don’t feel quite so alone in my struggle to reconcile my orientation and my faith. I can see how this ministry is so very much needed and is saving lives and saving people from feeling totally isolated and alone. You guys provide a support network that is amazing.
I am still not fully over my hurt and pain from losing my place in life and friends of over 21 years. I wouldn’t go back though for anything. I have wonderful boys who are mature enough to understand and love me just the same. I also have a very supportive family, who live in Melbourne. I know God has plans for me and that I am just in a time in – between, a place where He is making me stronger. It’s not easy as I still feel a little isolated and alone and I miss fellowship, friends and worshiping God in a corporate way. I’m sure I will find my place again. I just need to be patient.
Just lately I have come to a point where I feel I can truly reconcile my orientation with my faith; it is an exciting feeling to come to this point. Up until now I have been struggling and wrestling with the sentiment of those in the Church who have condemned me for my sexuality and with knowing that I was born this way and unable and unwilling to change.
I know now without a doubt that God loves me just as I am. He has always loved me – both when I was heavily involved in Church (yet hiding my true self) and He still loves me just the same now that I am out. I am living as the person whom He made me to be, I am living a more honest life now. Coming out has not changed His view of me; even though it has changed the view my Church and the view most of my closest friends have of me. He has not changed. It hasn’t come easily; due to the misguided painful treatment of those in my church.
I have had periods of either avoiding or wrestling with this for a long time. Finally I have real peace with being both a lesbian and a Christian. We can live with the hope God gives to all believers and enjoy our innate orientation as a gift from an all loving God. We can be blessed as gay and blessed in our Christian walk, they are not mutually exclusive.
1 John 4:18 is an awesome verse
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