My story (44 year old lesbian)

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Joined in 2010
May 15, 2011, 20:39

Hi, my name is Ellen; I am a 44 year old lesbian who loves God with all my heart.

sorry it seems quite long, not sure how to shorten it.

I have always known I am attracted to women, but felt like I couldn’t express it or deal with it until recently. During a time of total confusion in my early twenties I fell pregnant with my son and soon after that married his father. It was a truly confusing time in my life. I felt compelled to try and do the right thing (according to conventional way of thinking). I stayed in an unhappy marriage for 15 years and had two other wonderful boys. They are an amazing part of my life. My marriage wasn’t necessarily unhappy because I am gay, It was due to my ex being an abusive and angry person.

After 15 years of unhappiness with him I decided I’d had enough and we separated. I stayed single for seven years after my divorce, constantly struggling with which path I was going to take… knowing that I really only wanted to be with a woman yet not quite ready to do it… I have been a Christian since the time I was pregnant with my first son. 21 years ago. I became a Christian right at a time when I was really searching for who I was, confused about being married, pregnant and wanting something else for my life. God came into my life and transformed me. He turned me into a person I could never have been on my own. The time in my marriage wasn’t all hard, I grew as a Christian, made a wonderful life with my boys and started running my own accounting practice.

About 18 months ago I began thinking about a partner for my life. I started looking for a woman to share my life with. I no longer wanted to be alone. It was a strange time, I felt somehow like I couldn’t hide my true self and desires and feelings anymore. I knew there would be a cost, but I wasn’t aware of how painful and hard things were going to get.

Before I’d met a woman or even started a relationship or even knew another lesbian, I told my best friend and my pastor about my orientation. They were shocked. At that time I thought I should be honest and tell my pastor about myself and that I was going to seek a female partner. He suggested I go to therapy which I did. – This didn’t help me. I knew who I was and I wasn’t about to try and change, this path was what I wanted more than anything.

I met a woman, so doing the right thing I told my pastor, he told me that I should step down from all my ministries. I was devastated; I had spent 21 years ministering in this one church. My ministry to women had come to a halt. My positions on the leadership team and as a youth worker also were also taken from me. I no longer felt welcome in a church I had spent the greater part of my life in. I felt abandoned and rejected by people I thought were my family. I was told not to continue teaching Bible Study to my group of ladies and that someone else would take on my role. I was specifically asked not to even attend the youth ministry that I had started and kept going for three years, I couldn’t attend even just as a helper. I still grieve the loss of my church; I think I will for a long time.

To make things worse I lost my support group; my best friend was devastated by my orientation. She and her husband still can’t speak to me; they were my best friends for most of my adult life. They and all those in my ladies Bible study group have stayed away from me and left me feeling very much alone. Thanks to freedom 2 be I don’t feel quite so alone in my struggle to reconcile my orientation and my faith. I can see how this ministry is so very much needed and is saving lives and saving people from feeling totally isolated and alone. You guys provide a support network that is amazing.

I am still not fully over my hurt and pain from losing my place in life and friends of over 21 years. I wouldn’t go back though for anything. I have wonderful boys who are mature enough to understand and love me just the same. I also have a very supportive family, who live in Melbourne. I know God has plans for me and that I am just in a time in – between, a place where He is making me stronger. It’s not easy as I still feel a little isolated and alone and I miss fellowship, friends and worshiping God in a corporate way. I’m sure I will find my place again. I just need to be patient.

Just lately I have come to a point where I feel I can truly reconcile my orientation with my faith; it is an exciting feeling to come to this point. Up until now I have been struggling and wrestling with the sentiment of those in the Church who have condemned me for my sexuality and with knowing that I was born this way and unable and unwilling to change.

I know now without a doubt that God loves me just as I am. He has always loved me – both when I was heavily involved in Church (yet hiding my true self) and He still loves me just the same now that I am out. I am living as the person whom He made me to be, I am living a more honest life now. Coming out has not changed His view of me; even though it has changed the view my Church and the view most of my closest friends have of me. He has not changed. It hasn’t come easily; due to the misguided painful treatment of those in my church.

I have had periods of either avoiding or wrestling with this for a long time. Finally I have real peace with being both a lesbian and a Christian. We can live with the hope God gives to all believers and enjoy our innate orientation as a gift from an all loving God. We can be blessed as gay and blessed in our Christian walk, they are not mutually exclusive.

1 John 4:18 is an awesome verse

Joined in 2011
May 15, 2011, 21:15

Thanks for sharing your powerful story, in full… Ellen. I am so, so glad you have found F2B… I am sure, as you have read through people’s stories you have found many who resonate with your story..

I am so sorry for the pain you have experienced at the hands of the church where you were involved so heavily and for so long, and for those friends, who have been unable to move and grow beyond their prejudices – to accept you as the beautiful person you are.

It is great to hear that your sons are supportive and your family as well… I trust you find many good friends here at F2B, and that God brings you to other places where you can use your gifts, and your obvious love for him… when the time is right…

Wishing healing for you!



Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
May 15, 2011, 21:32

Hey Ellen…….I really do love it when people tell their stories here. Instantly we have an insight into your journey and struggles.

thanks for sharing so openly with us. I am glad you found us……and was so cool you joined us at the anniversary dinner.

what was it like to be in a room with a whole lot of people just like yourself.

Most of go through a time of grieving from the losses we have suffered……and the trauma associated it with that. Losing ministry, friends and community is huge……most people don’t realise how traumatic that can be.

you seem like you are in a good place within yourself though…….and sure you are moving on…….i’m sure we’ll find something for you to do in Freedom 2 b[e]……. 😉

Joined in 2010
May 15, 2011, 22:14

Hi Anthony and Ammi,

Thank you for your encouragement and I am glad I found you guys too.

Being in a room full of people just like me was huge. My trip to Sydney was so much more than just attending the dinner. Meeting you all gave me a new perspective, I felt supported and accepted; spending time with others who have similar stories and struggles was an important experience for me. 🙂

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
May 16, 2011, 02:42

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
May 16, 2011, 08:02

Hi Ellen

Thanks so much for sharing your story! 🙂

I agree with ammi – that you are a beautiful person and it comes through in your writing. 🙂

And like ammi, my heart goes out to you for the incredible hurt of being cast aside by your church. What a big and massive loss for them not to have you! I feel so sorry for them.

I’m glad you could attend the anniversary dinner. Are you the Ellen from up north that I was introduced to by Linda?


Ann Maree

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
May 16, 2011, 14:35

sorry it seems quite long, not sure how to shorten it.

I didn’t think it was long at all……you were only 70 words over our 1000 word limit…..hehe.

We put that limit on as sometimes people went overboard and began writing short stories. Whilst this may have been very lovely for them it became obvious that people didn’t have the time to read through the entire story……the popular ones were the brief ones.

i thought your story gave us lots of important details and you used the word limit very effectively.

Joined in 2010
May 16, 2011, 16:31

🙂 Hi Ellen

It was a pleasure to meet you at the dinner and hear some of your story. Your full story posted here is amazing though and you should be really proud of yourself and it sounds as if your family and kids are too which is great. You are a beautiful lady and if you want to chat again sometime, I’m always here.

Bless You


Joined in 2010
May 17, 2011, 07:56

🙂 Hey Ann Maree and Helen,

It was really nice meeting you both at the dinner, yep I was the Ellen that came down from Queensland – I had an awesome time meeting you all. Thank you for the encouragment. And thank you Helen for offering me a place to chat – I may take you up on that sometime, it’s nice to know I have a place of support with people who understand where I’m at. Really nice…

Take care guys

Ellen x

Mother Hen
Joined in 2011
May 17, 2011, 22:12

Hi Ellen,

It was incredibly brave of you to tell your story, my heart goes out to you for all the suffering you have suffered at the hands of the church. This is when you really find out who your friends are. I can empathize with being hurt by people in the church but for different reasons than yours, I really feel for you, it shakes your beliefs and takes a while to get over the hurt and to trust again. The church is supposed to be made up of God’s people but they are still flawed and get it wrong sometimes, there is no condemnation in Christ, God is love keep your focus on him.

I know it’s hard and hurtful to loose the friends you have had for such a long time, F2B has been a great support and shown love to my son, I hope that F2B can help heal some of those hurts.

My son username Mt Summit did an extensive bible study of what God and the Bible said about homosexuality to find out what God really said on the subject to help reconcile his faith and the fact that he was Gay. He has posted it on his blog if it is at all helpful.

God wants people to be open and honest and true to themselves which you are being.

God bless

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