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intransit
 
Joined in 2012
December 16, 2012, 08:39

Hi all,


After several months of contemplating, I decided that I needed help and joined this forum.


I am from a tight-knit believing family and I'm a closeted gay young adult. There is not one day where I don't think about suicide – if I were brave enough, I really think I would not be here today. I pray to God to make me normal, to make me love women the way heterosexual men can but this is to no avail. I know God can change me because through Him all things are possible but I also know that this is probably my cross to bear until my death.


In a way, my faith in God is becoming less and less relevant as each day passes. Is what they tell me about gays really true? How could I have abandoned natural feelings for women if I was born this way? If I am automatically condemned to hell, why would He care? How could He love someone who doesn't even love himself? Aren't I just an anomaly in the grand scheme of things called life and evolution? What makes me so special when there are billions of people who are dying from preventable diseases and hunger?


Am I being selfish? These are the questions I ask every second of every minute and every minute of every hour.


There is not one day that I am not hurt by the words uttered by the people in my family, in my church and by my fellow work colleagues. From an early age, I grew up hearing filth and vile about the gay community and to an extent, the overt promiscuity that rears its ugly head in the gay community does sometimes disgust me too but I am better to understand this is because we're all hurt and in such need to be loved in the face of rejection and pain, turn to sexual gratification.


I love my family and my church so I have never thought about revealing the truth about who I am. It seems better for me to suffer alone than face the barrage of criticism and 'that look', or even risk being severed to my family. I am part of a culture that is still very homophobic and I know, actually my dad strongly implied, that I would effectively be an orphan if I ever officially decided that I was gay.


I don't know where I'm going with this. All I know is that I need help. I can't do this anymore.

Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
December 16, 2012, 10:18

Hi intransit

I'm so glad you found us. Welcome to f2b! 🙂 How did you hear of our site?

You're in a really tough place and many of us have experienced similar low points. However the good news is that it truly does get better. When you're surrounded by homophobic cultures at every turn, there's a tendency to think that's all there is. But there's more.. There's a whole world of accepting, good people who will see you for the beautiful person you are and it doesn't matter that you are gay. In fact being gay is a great thing. 🙂 You just need to start finding those people and lessening your contact with those who are not supportive and then a whole new world of possibilities will open up to you.

The fact that you've found us is a fabulous start. You can be free to share things here and we will support you in whatever ways we can.

Have you thought about seeking some counselling? I think counselling is such a great support at any time, as I and many others here have personally experienced, but especially if you're feeling suicidal. Have a look at our Support section if you haven't already to see what's available. Alternatively, please send me a Private Message if you need more information or help accessing supports.

Hang in there. We want to be here to share in your journey. 🙂

Blessings,

Ann Maree

forestgrey
Chapter Leader
Joined in 2008
December 16, 2012, 14:27

intransit – G'day!

Oh, how many of us can identify with what you have written. Because, many of us have been exactly where you are right now. But, we're there no longer. We have been able to reconcile our faith and our sexuality. We have learnt that much of what parts of the church teaches is simply wrong. Not that they necessarily teach it maliciously. Mostly it is simply out of ignorance. They are just regurgitating what they have been taught.

It takes time to (a) come out to ourselves, (b) come out to others, (c) reconcile our faith and sexuality. It's a journey which takes time – and there are a few bends and ups-&-downs along the way. But there are heaps of good resources available. Dig back into this Forum and read some of the stories of our journeys. They are a great encouragement. There are some great books available – Stuart's Edsers 'Being Gay, Being Christian' (mentioned several times elsewhere on this site) is recommended. If you are near an f2b Chapter meeting (restarting in February), please come along. We can recommend suitable counsellors if necessary (depending on where you are).

Use this Forum to ask as many questions as you like. The collective knowledge and experience of so many people is invaluable. Some of the questions we ask ourselves are actually of quite minor importance. Others are vital to ask and resolve.

Despite the 'fog' of what you are going through, hang onto God too. The 'fog' will clear.

God bless ~ david

mrg
 
Joined in 2010
December 16, 2012, 17:31

G'day intransit,


Just sent you a private message.


Really glad you've found the forums. You'll find more help and support here than you can imagine.


Mat

sarab
 
Joined in 2011
December 16, 2012, 22:45

Hi there intransit – my thoughts are certainly with you at the moment and I am so glad you found your way to f2be.

There are many on this site who have been in some very low and dark places, yet bear testament to the fact that there is indeed hope and some light to be found.

The good news is that there are many people who have indeed discovered that faith in God and being gay can indeed be reconciled. Someone wise suggested to me last year that I get to know a more loving accepting God as opposed to the God of judgement I was grappling with. She also suggested that perhaps God expected less of me than I expected of myself. By that I mean that sometimes we set amazingly high standards of ourselves and perhaps all God wants is just us… the whole us… the truthful authentic us….

I am sorry you have been and are continued to be hurt by anti gay sentiments and words expressed by those around you.

Would it be possible for you to speak with a counsellor or your GP about some of the stuff you are going through?

I have found counselling enormously helpful over the last year. As forestgrey has suggested – you may find it helpful to read through some of the stories, questions, resources on this site. I am just over a year down the track of coming out to myself…I found it enormously helpful to just sound things out on this forum… to voice my doubts… to ask questions… so I encourage you to know this is a safe space with amazingly wise, sensitive people – each with their own story to tell.

I have found a church with people who love God and also love and accept people whether gay or straight… such churches do exist!

so hang in there – we are here for you throughout this journey.

Sarab x

J
 
Joined in 2012
December 17, 2012, 11:48

Hey Intransit,


I think many of us can relate to your story.


I personally went through 10 years of self-loathing and trying to find God amongst people in my church who spewed forth hatred towards the LGBT community, and even my parents made many homophobic remarks. Like you, there were several times in my life where, because I was brought up to believe being gay was a 'choice', a 'sin' and blah blah, that I thought 'Well, If I am doomed to hell despite the fact I cannot change my sexual orientation, why don't I just worship Satan to get what I want before I die?'.


It wasn't until I came out of the closet to my parents that I started doing a LOT of research because, like you, I needed answers, and fast. I tried the whole 'pray the gay away' thing hundreds, if not thousands of times, but God didn't change my sexual orientation. He of all people I thought could change this, but the reality was being gay felt normal to me, and it wasn't God that hated me or wanted me to change, it felt like the majority of society. God didn't hate me at all, it was people who misrepresented Him, and unfortunately quite a few haters ARE in mainstream churches – and just because someone is Christian, doesn't automatically make them a nice person too, trust me 😛 I have been extremely hurt by other Christians, as I am sure you have been too.


There are some good people out there though, and I no longer associate myself with the church simply because I choose not to be condemned and hated – it's completely unchristian of them and I refuse to be surrounded by such hate. I don't think God would disagree with me on that. I choose to be in a place where I feel accepted and loved, and for me, that is not found in the mainstream church. It is in the gay community where I feel I belong and feel accepted.


In fact, it is no surprise that many LGBT individuals move to places like Boystown, Chicago, where 89% of the population there are gay. Who wouldn't want to be in a place where they feel accepted? I don't blame them. The world can be very cruel, but life is definitely worth living, you just have to get past all the hate and make the most of what you've been given. I still have many days where I am frustrated at the difficulties of life I have been given, but I really like guys, and I have come to a point in my life where I am sick of apologising to everyone for being me. If you are anything like me, your sexuality cannot be changed, and God hasn't changed it for you (And most likely will remain that way). As cliche as it may sound, like Lady Gaga sings, baby, you were born this way.


To get back to my first paragraph where, at one point in time, I thought 'Well, if I'm supposedly doomed to hell anyway, why don't I just worship Satan, get what I want in this life, then spend eternity in my supposed pre-destined hell?'. It couldn't be further from the truth. There were many things I struggled with, and I thought that because I was gay, that I was automatically doomed to hell – atleast that's what the church told me (Which I have now found to be completely untrue and unchristian). Let me tell you this. God created everything and everyone perfectly. There are no mistakes. I am not a mistake, I am not an 'unfortunate result of DNA' as some people have claimed I am, and you are NOT a mistake either.


When people also say 'being gay is unnatural'. Is it really? If you look at nature itself, homosexuality is rampant. You can find homosexuality in over 450 species, so how can it be unnatural if it is found in nature itself? People who claim that gay people are unnatural are just completely ignorant and misinformed individuals. I think a lot of it can be blamed on the lack of education *cough* governments *cough*. Heck, in sex education at school, there was NOTHING about homosexuality, and I found that insulting, because it seemed I had to Google everything for my own understanding and education as the government didn't give a flying pig about me.


Anywho I am getting off topic (lol), below is a blog I found really interesting. You might be able to relate to it. It tackles quite a few things and there is an interview which you can listen to a little bit down the page:


http://beinggaybeingchristian.blogspot.co.nz/2012/10/new-zealand-interview-and-visit.html


And here is a playlist I've created on YouTube which may give you a bit of closure on some things you may have always had questions on:


http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL5807AE407E57482E


Hope that helps!

Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
December 17, 2012, 18:13

Hi intransit,


A really big welcome from me too. This is a fantastic community and a great place to seek some support and be with people who have some understanding on where you are coming from due to their own personally experience. If you have not done so already I encourage you to read many of the very moving stories on this site. Stories of many people who at some time in their journey have also gone through tough times but they have not only just survived but thrived. May their courageous stories give you hope. You are certainly not alone.


As Ann Maree has suggested going to counselling is a great idea. Be with people who accept, love and support you for who you are. Here is one of those places.


God Bless, I will be praying for you

Abe
 
Joined in 2011
December 17, 2012, 22:58

I'm glad you found this forum. This is a great support network for gay people in Christian circles. The serenity prayer says it all:


God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.


I think people are born with a sexual orientation and it's not healthy to reject what God has given you. These are things that we simply can't change so we should accept these things and be true to ourselves. In fact to reject your orientation is like telling God that He has made a mistake. I think the sin we have to fight is not your orientation but the sexual addition and gratification. I find that once you be honest with yourself and accept yourself you'd be much happier. It's not what people or church tell you, we all have a freedom of conscience. For me, I read the bible in light of modern science. If we were to read every verse literally then we'd be believing that a gay orientation is a sin, that women should not preach in church, that we should not work or shop on a sunday etc etc…. and believe me there are still some churches that impose on those things.


I'm not sure if you've met other gay christian but going to a gay friendly church or freedom2b meetings help a lot. They give you a safe space to make friends with like minded christian people. I wish you well in your journey.



HillsBen
Youth Coordinator
Joined in 2008
December 18, 2012, 23:16

Hi intransit,


I'm so glad you found freedom2b. I pray that you find the support here that you need.


You shouldn't have to continue to suffer. Nobody deserves to suffer and it certainly is not God's intention for you to feel like that. He loves you and will continue to do so despite your sexual orientation. Being gay and Christian isn't mutually exclusive, you can bring them together!


Parents often react differently to a same-sex attracted child when they come out. My dad was homophobic and yet when I came out his whole opinion on the wider gay/queer community changed. It takes parents some time, but be patient with them and eventually (hopefully) they will learn and grow and come to see you as the person you have always been – being gay doesn't change that!


Feel free to keep asking questions and please let one of us know if you would like further support. I'm glad to see that Mat (mrg) sent you a private message. He's a great person to talk to. 🙂


If you are in Sydney, Melbourne, Perth or Brisbane then you should consider coming along to a freedom2b meeting. It's a safe space where you'll meet others who are going through similar things to yourself.


Ben

Michelle
President
Joined in 2008
December 21, 2012, 09:52

Hi intransit,

As others have already said we are really glad you found us! I also want to welcome you and let you know you have come across an amazing supportive, caring community 🙂

Freedom2b has three words under our logo which are HOPE. SUPPORT. LIFE and that is why we are here to assist in whatever way we can. Everyone on this forum can relate in some way to a part of your struggle and with time things can be brighter 🙂

Ben has already asked where you are located? If you are in Melb, Syd, Bris or Perth we have local people who can meet you in person if that's something you may like to do?

Please be encouraged by some of the stories on the website and private msg me if you want to.

Warm regards

Michelle
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