Nicholas - 50's - Gay Catholic in Straight Marriage for 30 years, Washington State

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Nicholas Bootkissr
Joined in 2011
April 28, 2011, 16:14


My name is Nicholas. I have been married to the same woman for almost 30 years. When I met her in church I fell in love with her spirit, her personality, her very essence. She had been divorced already when we met and had been raising her three children completely on her own since her husband had abandoned them. My heart went out to her, but I also was excited to be with her and share a rich intimacy that was also spiritual. At the time we met I had gone back to attending church after a disturbing dream in which I sensed God calling me back to Him. Before that, I had been going to gay dance clubs and having shallow sex with guys. The emptiness struck me and all the negative messages I ever absorbed about the Gay lifestyle came crashing on my head and I sought out Jesus for deliverance. I was not mature enough to be able to reconcile being Gay and following God as I knew Him. I thought the two could not coexist.

My courtship with my fiancee was wonderful and blessed. I couldn’t be happier! The main struggle was becoming a new step-father. I threw most my energy into the marriage and new family. I did not divulge to my new bride that I ever had been Gay.

Soon, to my dismay and alarm, I realized that my real love for my new wife did nothing to diminish or eradicate my strong feelings and longings to be with a man. It was not even about the sex! I longed for a camaraderie, a closeness, a warm affection, and emotional love with a fellow peer of my own gender. Often, my Gay feelings got even stronger after sharing nuptial intimacies with my wife. How could this be? I had bargained with God: “Give me a wife to love and I’ll follow you and forsake being Gay!” I felt I had done my part of the bargain, but the Gayness was stubbornly and irrevocably rooted in me!

I first told my wife I had Gay feelings in the fifth year of our marriage, yet I only told her a half truth, because as I saw the panic in her face, I quickly reassured her that it was only a phase when I was younger. I told her about my parents’ anger and rejection and how I bought a one-way ticket to Israel to get away from a biological family who refused to respect or accept me now that they knew I was Gay. In fact, I lost all my friends and family when I came out as Gay when I was 21. I had read that coming out and being honest was the loving thing to do. I naively did just that and soon found myself without the support or love of anyone who knew me before coming out. I had some new Gay friends whom I loved and valued, but the rejection of all the previous people in my life became too much. I am still traumatized to this day by that rejection!!

Later in the marriage, I became more direct with my wife about being Gay. I admitted to her that I still had deep sexual, emotional and psychic feelings for guys. I tried to explain to her that Gay love was real, human, and not evil. All she heard was that I was threatening to leave her. Her response was always desperate and suffused with rage, hurt, betrayal, shock and fear. She would tell me each time that God had brought us together and that to stay in God’s will we must stay together; namely, that i must reject my Gay feelings and never, ever act upon them!

Living in the hetero world is lonely for me, because the truth is I am Gay, not straight. Even though I love my wife, that never changed my sexual orientation – nothing ever will. I am coming to not only accept my Gayness, but also embrace it and be proud of it. I am so isolated! I don’t know one Gay guy in person! That is sad.

I believe in a Higher Force, in God. A God who cares about us humans. He transcends all religions and traditions. I feel betrayed by the Christianity (Catholic) I grew up in, and still feel disappointed in it. It told me that loving another guy was a sin. I don’t agree with that and I call them on it for such lies about being Gay. Most churches feel smug and are in no hurry to repent for the sin of gay bashing, let alone for bad mouthing other religions. My life would have been on a whole different course than it is now, thanks to how I used to believe and trust. On the outside, I remain a Christian, just as I appear to be a straight man in this hetero world. I love Jesus Christ! He guides my life, but I do not love Christianity. I believe in a God of decency, self respect, one who encourages me to be responsible, accountable, honest, accepting of my homosexuality, independent, seeking truth, and loving freedom. Maybe it boils down to semantics. I have no desire to foist my beliefs on you or judge others. My mother, God rest her soul, taught me that what really counts is how we treat one another, not what we say we believe!

As I write this, I find myself sitting on the fence. It takes much strength to survive as a Gay-orientated man in a str8 marriage, but yet not Courage to seek a life that is truly my own 🙁

When I was a teen, and dealing alone with being Gay, I even contemplated suicide. In a way, living as a str8 man I kinda did commit suicide.

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
April 28, 2011, 20:46

Hi Nicholas Bootkissr

Wow! You write so well! Thanks for sharing some of your story. 🙂

You said:

My mother, God rest her soul, taught me that what really counts is how we treat one another, not what we say we believe!

Your mother was a very wise woman. It’s true that our actions and attitudes are what we are judged on, not our beliefs or ideas.

This is a great site and I hope you find lots of support here as I and many others have. How did you hear about us?


Ann Maree

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
April 29, 2011, 00:06

Hi Nicholas…..I am so glad you posted here.

Like Ann Maree i was also impressed with the way you write………that final line is so profound.

you are in a safe space here.

a few things that really stand out for me in your story is that our sexual orientation is so innate. People so often get mixed up about sexual orientation……they think it is about the sex but it is actually about the orientation. Its about inside….our thinking….our emotions….our response….our needs.

The situation we find ourselves in was not one of intentional deception. (In some cultures, families and geographical areas this maybe different however, as it is a matter of survival). For most of us though, our marriages were the result of us conforming to a society, who at that time, believed homosexuality was crime, perversion and mental illness. We married thinking that it was the right thing to do and that it would help to change what we perceived was faulty within us. I know this was the case for me. I wanted to do the right thing. Having a wife and family was everyone’s goal. There are also a number of people whose same sex orientation did not become obvious or awakened till after they were married. You, I, and 1000’s of others are the products of an uninformed society. We are at the fault line and our generation is the one caught in the transition.

Had the current knowledge on sexual orientation been available to us growing up, our choices would have been different. If we were born 40 years earlier we wouldn’t have ever considered coming out. If we were in this current generation we would have realized our sexual orientation is natural and normal and wouldn’t have married to help fix it or felt it necessary to conform.

Making a decision about what to do, being gay or lesbian in a heterosexual marriage, can be quite complex. It has many consequences that can include firstly our partner of course but also children, families, employment, business, finances, friends, church, faith. The decisions we make will impact several or all of these.

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
April 29, 2011, 13:22

Hi again

I like what avb has written above. Nicholas, I also agree with avb about your last line being so profound.

You said:

In a way, living as a str8 man I kinda did commit suicide.

Amazing statement.


Ann Maree

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
April 30, 2011, 00:20

yes it really touched me….Nicholas posted his story in another group I have been a moderator of for 10 years…..I suggested he belonged here.

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