My name is Nicholas. I have been married to the same woman for almost 30 years. When I met her in church I fell in love with her spirit, her personality, her very essence. She had been divorced already when we met and had been raising her three children completely on her own since her husband had abandoned them. My heart went out to her, but I also was excited to be with her and share a rich intimacy that was also spiritual. At the time we met I had gone back to attending church after a disturbing dream in which I sensed God calling me back to Him. Before that, I had been going to gay dance clubs and having shallow sex with guys. The emptiness struck me and all the negative messages I ever absorbed about the Gay lifestyle came crashing on my head and I sought out Jesus for deliverance. I was not mature enough to be able to reconcile being Gay and following God as I knew Him. I thought the two could not coexist.
My courtship with my fiancee was wonderful and blessed. I couldn’t be happier! The main struggle was becoming a new step-father. I threw most my energy into the marriage and new family. I did not divulge to my new bride that I ever had been Gay.
Soon, to my dismay and alarm, I realized that my real love for my new wife did nothing to diminish or eradicate my strong feelings and longings to be with a man. It was not even about the sex! I longed for a camaraderie, a closeness, a warm affection, and emotional love with a fellow peer of my own gender. Often, my Gay feelings got even stronger after sharing nuptial intimacies with my wife. How could this be? I had bargained with God: “Give me a wife to love and I’ll follow you and forsake being Gay!” I felt I had done my part of the bargain, but the Gayness was stubbornly and irrevocably rooted in me!
I first told my wife I had Gay feelings in the fifth year of our marriage, yet I only told her a half truth, because as I saw the panic in her face, I quickly reassured her that it was only a phase when I was younger. I told her about my parents’ anger and rejection and how I bought a one-way ticket to Israel to get away from a biological family who refused to respect or accept me now that they knew I was Gay. In fact, I lost all my friends and family when I came out as Gay when I was 21. I had read that coming out and being honest was the loving thing to do. I naively did just that and soon found myself without the support or love of anyone who knew me before coming out. I had some new Gay friends whom I loved and valued, but the rejection of all the previous people in my life became too much. I am still traumatized to this day by that rejection!!
Later in the marriage, I became more direct with my wife about being Gay. I admitted to her that I still had deep sexual, emotional and psychic feelings for guys. I tried to explain to her that Gay love was real, human, and not evil. All she heard was that I was threatening to leave her. Her response was always desperate and suffused with rage, hurt, betrayal, shock and fear. She would tell me each time that God had brought us together and that to stay in God’s will we must stay together; namely, that i must reject my Gay feelings and never, ever act upon them!
Living in the hetero world is lonely for me, because the truth is I am Gay, not straight. Even though I love my wife, that never changed my sexual orientation – nothing ever will. I am coming to not only accept my Gayness, but also embrace it and be proud of it. I am so isolated! I don’t know one Gay guy in person! That is sad.
I believe in a Higher Force, in God. A God who cares about us humans. He transcends all religions and traditions. I feel betrayed by the Christianity (Catholic) I grew up in, and still feel disappointed in it. It told me that loving another guy was a sin. I don’t agree with that and I call them on it for such lies about being Gay. Most churches feel smug and are in no hurry to repent for the sin of gay bashing, let alone for bad mouthing other religions. My life would have been on a whole different course than it is now, thanks to how I used to believe and trust. On the outside, I remain a Christian, just as I appear to be a straight man in this hetero world. I love Jesus Christ! He guides my life, but I do not love Christianity. I believe in a God of decency, self respect, one who encourages me to be responsible, accountable, honest, accepting of my homosexuality, independent, seeking truth, and loving freedom. Maybe it boils down to semantics. I have no desire to foist my beliefs on you or judge others. My mother, God rest her soul, taught me that what really counts is how we treat one another, not what we say we believe!
As I write this, I find myself sitting on the fence. It takes much strength to survive as a Gay-orientated man in a str8 marriage, but yet not Courage to seek a life that is truly my own 🙁
When I was a teen, and dealing alone with being Gay, I even contemplated suicide. In a way, living as a str8 man I kinda did commit suicide.