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No idea what I'm looking for...

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gettingthere
 
Joined in 2008
January 17, 2009, 22:27

Hey guys, well, recently I’ve been kind of lost about this thing and I’m wondering if any of you can shed some light on what’s going on. For some reason, I’ve just been searching out gay websites, almost solely for the purpose of being on a gay website, I guess you could say fairly obsessively. (My counselor in Pennsylvania told me I was obsessive over my homosexuality, and I know that’s he right. Although what I’m supposed to do to get over that is a big question mark for me.) I’ve done this on and off; I guess you could say a lot of my life goes in cycles. But I mean, I go on Facebook and I look for gay sites. I go on Youtube and I look for gay sites. I go on Wikipedia and I look for gay sites. Almost everything goes back to looking up more gay stuff, which is odd, because I’m already aware of the vast majority of any information that I dig up. Anyway, I keep going to all these sites and then the other day, the question just popped up, “What the heck am I looking for?” And I had no idea, but I know it’s something. I’m thinking that there’s some supressed, inner desire inside of me that’s trying to be fulfilled, but my conscious self is just unaware of what that would be.


I have two theories. One is that I’m looking for some validation of my gay identity. However, the odd thing is that I don’t have any problem with being gay and I already have a number of friends who are supportive of me. A small number, but they are there. The second theory is that I’m looking for community. Which is also odd, because I have this one here. Maybe I’m looking for some more one-on-one conversation?


You guys are pretty insightful and you’ve read a fair amount of how I think, maybe one of you will think of something profound to say. Is this anything I should be concerned about or is just normal? And can anybody help me figure out what I’m looking for? Perhaps AVB can come on and show me how this all just so happens to coincide with the Cass Model? (love you AVB, for reals. 😉 ) Any kind of insight would be appreciated.



magsdee
Disabled
Joined in 2006
January 18, 2009, 08:51

Maybe I’m looking for some more one-on-one conversation?


If you dont have a good close gay friend, its very possible you are looking for that but a hunch tells me that possibly you are looking to connect to a possible “special” someone? 😉

That can take whatever road you want, doesnt even mean on a sexual or relationship level as yet but just maybe a personal connection with another guy that is more than a friend. Amazing how fulfilled I started to feel when I did finally connect myself with someone, it was just what I was missing and I dont mean that I found “the one” at the time but it was the start of the journey of fulfilling a more intimate side of my sexuality.


Dunno, in a nutshell, Im just guessing here but sounds like a need for an intimate connection is missing, cuddles, sharing, doing like stuff with, all with someone just for you. I’ll just go back to my crystal ball 😉 or should I re-phrase that? 😳 8)



Sandy
 
Joined in 2007
January 18, 2009, 10:23

At the risk of proving AVB right and always saying the wrong thing at the wrong time it may simply, have alot to do with your age. “Youth” is chracterised by rapid growth and adustment to adulthood. Your sexuality is a big part of that, esepically as hormone levels are at their highest from 17-24 in men (women wait another 15 years or so).


I know when I was growing up I used to think about lesbianism pretty much constantly from “Oh I’m so different” to “Oh she is pretty”. Maybe the website mania is just your way of expressing the same kind of thing.


Mags is also right, at this age children tend to drift away from their parents and towards their peer groups. While this is natural its also frought with problems. Your relationship with mum and dad during childhood is largely if not exclusivly centred around the care and concern of you. Your relationship with friends while satisfying on a social level can often lack this intimate aspect.


Anyway just my thoughts. All that said, its not the most ideal thing to obsess. Maybe its time to make a concious effort not to obsess or at least to take away the vechicle of that obsession (the internet surfing) perhaps then, when you are not so busy “doing” to feed the obsession the reason for it will become apparent when you assess how you feel when you don’t do it.



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
January 18, 2009, 11:33

hey getting there……from what you say I think it would be fairly natural.


My theory is that it is about the need to connect with your community as some level. One of the reasons we set up F2B actually.


You have come to a wonderful place of resolution but because of your situation that can’t be expressed externally you seek other ways to connect. Connecting with like minded people is a human experience…..not just a gay one.


One of the things many people say about F2B is that it is wonderful to find a place where they can connect with their community without any sexual agenda. Our chapter meetings and forum are cruise free zones. For gay men anyway this is rare but safe space so that other agendas and dynmanics don’t distract from the real issues we need to talk about.


so its in essense maybe a way of compensating for what you are not able to have at this time.


Does that resonnate with you.



orfeo
 
Joined in 2007
January 19, 2009, 12:42

Looking to connect with community, I’d say.


Just because you have “a” community here, doesn’t mean you can’t look for other ones. Heck, I do!


Bigger groups, more friends, a special man. We all look for connection.



iplantolive
 
Joined in 2008
January 19, 2009, 20:16

Bigger groups, more friends, a special man. We all look for connection.


Connection is one of my 3 main core values. Its a great feeling to share our lives with others in a way that enriches us and enables us to grow and appreciate what a wonderful life we have 😀 8)



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
January 20, 2009, 22:40

I’ve noticed that people who have issues and are unresolved about things are often afraid of connection. Its too challenging to possibly be faced with the issues they would rather bury.


Do gettingthere……your desire to connect is a healthy thing.



Sandy
 
Joined in 2007
January 22, 2009, 11:12

I’ve noticed that people who have issues and are unresolved about things are often afraid of connection. Its too challenging to possibly be faced with the issues they would rather bury.


That makes me a bit of an oxymoron doesn’t it? 😆 😆 Possibly why denial plays such a big part in my sanity.


People always ask me why I research and teach gay issues when I am not a “practising” (watching AVB wince) lesbian. I always reply “Well you know what they say… those that can, do… those that can’t, teach.” Who said that BTW?



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
January 26, 2009, 14:25

I’ve noticed that people who have issues and are unresolved about things are often afraid of connection. Its too challenging to possibly be faced with the issues they would rather bury.


That makes me a bit of an oxymoron doesn’t it? 😆 😆 Possibly why denial plays such a big part in my sanity.


People always ask me why I research and teach gay issues when I am not a “practising” (watching AVB wince) lesbian. I always reply “Well you know what they say… those that can, do… those that can’t, teach.” Who said that BTW?


😆 I’m sure you are well practised at being a lesbian Sandy…..possibly celebate would be a more relevant term.


Those who can — do. Those who can’t — teach. (H.L. Mencken)


He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.

George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) British dramatist, critic, writer. Maxims for Revolutionists.


Everyone who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.

Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) Irish poet and dramatist. The Decay of Lying


take you pick



johnrobert
 
Joined in 2009
March 11, 2009, 09:53

Regarding your discussion on websites, I do the same thing all the time.


Some days it’s half-an-hour, some days 3 hours.


I think it stems from a deep desire to connect with similar people.


And it’s much more objective too.


It depends on the person, and I know you’re probably to young to go to a bar yet, but unless you like drinking, smoking and loud music, gay bars aren’t exactly fun places to be.


Then where are you going to get your sense of community from as a gay man?


You certainly won’t get it from School, although you may fare better at University.


And you probably won’t get it at your Church or work place.


If you’re into the creative arts/industries, you might do better there, like working for an Opera House, or taking part in an amateur play or musical.


So the only other community is really the online community, and you can be relatively safe from being ‘outed’ there. And you can comment on things and engage with a high level of anonymity.


So I say, don’t be too concerned if you’re looking at one gay website to the next, you’re just trying to find a sense of identity and community.


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