Out for 1 month.

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Joined in 2011
November 27, 2011, 02:52


Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
November 27, 2011, 08:29

Hi secretbsm

Thank you for taking the step to share some of your story with us.

(I’ve changed som parts of the story so I am not identified, ok? Still not ready for that…)

It’s a good idea to keep your identity hidden so you can feel safe to share confidentially. And if you never want to reveal your identity, that’s more than OK. Most of us have usernames for that purpose.

It sounds like you’re saying your mother doesn’t intend to be hurtful but her actions are. Is that right? Perhaps she is trying to save you from your homosexuality by sending former church people around? From that, I’m assuming the previous church doesn’t accept homosexuality.. I understand that would be hurtful. However it’s really good that you can separate your mother’s behaviour out from you, seeing that she’s acting out of her own pain and that her intentions are good. Nevertheless, that doesn’t make it less painful for you. I suspect she is frantic to do the right thing and just doesn’t know what that is.

Have you thought of giving any resources to your mother so she can receive support and consider an alternate view? I recommend the DVD ‘For the Bible Tells Me so’. That’s an excellent doco that’s really supportive of LGBTI Christians, looking at the scriptures in terms of original languages and contexts unlike the clobber views. And it’s very family-oriented.The other thing might be to suggest she get in touch with other Christian Mums who can show her another example and normalise homosexuality for her. We have some wonderful parents here. There’s also Parents, Friends and Family of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) to contact. Again very positive and reassuring support for her, and in turn for you.

Try to be patient with your family. They need time to process this major news just as you’ve had time to prepare for coming out. They need time to adjust to this new information and it sounds like it will be hard for them because it clashes with their beliefs. Many here have feared or experienced similar responses with family or others and yet sometimes family come around. Of course sometimes they don’t, but either way you will be OK.

Welcome to f2b, a safe and supportive community where you can be who you are and it doesn’t matter to us what your beliefs are or what stage of the journey you’re on.

And if you feel inclined, perhaps you can elaborate on your coming out experience with family, like how it happened etc..

Welcome again.


Ann Maree

Joined in 2011
November 27, 2011, 18:12

Hi There,

Don’t let your family spiritually bully you into thinking that everything that goes wrong in life is because you have accepted who you are.

Look at Job: bad things happen to good people.

Here is an old poem that helps me:

The Plan of the Master Weaver

My life is but a weaving between the Lord and me,

I may not choose the colors,

He knows what they should be

For He can view the pattern upon the upper side,

While I can see it only on this, the under side…

Sometimes He weaveth sorrow, which seemeth strange to me,

But I will trust His judgement, and work on faithfully,

‘Tis He who fills the shuttle, and He knows what is best,

So I shall weave in earnest, leaving to Him the rest…

Not till the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly

Shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why –

The dark threads are as needed in the Weaver’s skillful hand

As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.

Too often I get caught up remunerating about why something may have happened, “Is it because I’m gay?” Sometimes its more useful to stop asking, “Why me Lord?” and ask “What do I need to do now Lord?”

Your are now living with integrity. I have found that God rewards that more than when we are hiding a huge part of our lives, pretending to be something we are not.

You have to give your family time: it has taken my family as long as it has taken me on the journey away from homophobic ignorance … and I had a 12 year head start on them!

Mother Hen
Joined in 2011
November 27, 2011, 21:02

Hi secretbsm,

First welcome to F2B, this is a safe place with some wonderful people who can relate to your story. You will find a great deal of support and comfort on the forum. And if you can get to a F2B meeting you will meet likeminded Christian people who you can relate too and feel at home with. It is so great you have a wonderful partner to share your life with.

As other’s have said give your mother some time, she will be in shock, will be grieving, confused, struggling to accept all this and the biggest shock as it will go against the beliefs she has held for such a long time. Beliefs that are not easy to shake. As Ann Maree said it sounds like your Mum is trying to help and she would be doing that out of love, so know she loves you. I know sometimes you want to say stop helping. Have you talked to her and told her that even though you know she has the best intentions and that she loves you that her actions are only hurting you. Sit down and tell her what you want and need. And if necessary tell her that you love her but you need some space. And the people that are visiting, just say thanks you appreciate their concern but you are fine and do not wish to have any further visits from the church.

As a mother of a gay son I have some understanding and idea of what things she could possibly be feeling and thinking. She will need some reassurance from you that she hasn’t let you down, which she could be feeling and why she feels a need to send people around to fix the situation. She will need reassurance that you love her, that she was and is a good Mum. She will be doubting herself; she will need your love, support, empathy and understanding as much as you need hers.

As Ann Maree mentioned, giving her some resources and talking and reading information from parents whose child is also gay can be very helpful. It’s nice to know other people have the same thoughts and feelings as she may be feeling. She needs to know she is not alone just as you need to know you are not alone.

If it would help I would be happy for you to send me or your mother a PM and I can email or talk to her.

As far as others or her saying that bad things will happen cause you are gay, this is totally untrue. Unfortunately bad things can happen to us all and through no fault of our own and certainly not due to any sin. People say those sorts of things as a way to control you and bring you back into the fold as they would see it.

You are a wonderful, incredible, brave person. God loves and accepts you for who you are, be true to yourself.

Lifeof3halves that was an awesome poem.

God Bless

Chapter Leader
Joined in 2008
November 27, 2011, 22:05

secret – G’day! Welcome to the Forum. What you are going through with your mother is not uncommon. As you can well imagine, she has to process your announcement and all the confusion that it may have caused. She has to deal with ‘coming out’ to herself with acceptance of you, and then also ‘coming out’ to family and friends that she has a gay son (possible sense of shame and embarassment).

But, plenty of us have been through the same journey and have found it has all worked out eventually. Go back through some of the “Telling Our Stories” section to discover this. But also check the “Our Heterosexual Family, Friends and Supporters” section for some wonderful accounts from parents of how they have coped and changed their position.

Keeping the lines of communication open is important. BUT, sometimes this is better done in a ‘neutral’ way (gentle, loving, non-combative way) – rather than a ‘positive’ or ‘active’ way .. .. .. and even if your folks are presently being ‘negative’ in their response.

Bless ya!

Joined in 2011
November 29, 2011, 12:40


Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
November 29, 2011, 14:30

Hi secretbsm

I’m so glad you are finding a sense of community and support here. We are blessed to have such a great group at f2b and now you are part of that! 🙂

I can see that your culture would make it tricky and so my heart goes out to you. We have a lovely man from Cuba that visits us from time to time. He has a lot of biblical knowledge and strong faith and is a passionate advocate for our community although not gay himself. (Are Brazil and Cuba similar or am I imaging that?) Feel free to message him if you like. His name is RaulG.

We also have Mums here who could write to your Mum or she could read what they say in the Friends and Family section or in many posts across the forums.

Regarding your brother’s comment, it’s only a self fulfilling prophecy if you believe it. Remember, you are in charge of your destiny because you, like all of us, have been given free choice. And so you can either choose to dwell on his comments and be fearful which in turn may make others doubtful about you.. Or you can throw them off and present yourself confidently. That doesn’t mean you have to be out to everyone but rather don’t let his comment take hold. It sounds like you are already highly successful in your job too so you’re obviously doing lots of things right. Good for you! Stand tall and just keep doing those things. Is it at all possible that your brother is jealous of your success?

And it’s wonderful that you have met such a lovely partner. Congratulations! 🙂 🙂 🙂


Ann Maree

Princess _Fiona
Joined in 2011
December 1, 2011, 15:15

Hi secretbsm

Thank you for sharing your story. Its always nice to hear from someone who has worked out there spiritual life and sexuality. Congratulations on finding happiness with your relationship and yes love will do that. 🙂

Sad to hear that you are having a hard time with your family since coming out. I didnt elaborate much in posting my story about how my mum coped with me coming out. Wanted to encouarge you in telling you a little of what my mum said to me in the beginning.

1. I was going to through a faze and that I would realise this.

2. She also said along these lines that I must be unhappy, so was looking for an answer to fix that. (who in there right mind would choose same sex attraction as an answer to happiness, as it can create issues not solve them) She refused to listen to what I was telling her of my attraction at a young age and also that I didnt choose this.

3. When she commented on being glad my dad wasnt alive to see this day, it only brought more shame.

4. She said she was dissapointed in me and was angry.

5. Of course there were many comments regarding God mentioned

6. I was selfish and didnt think of my children and how it would effect them. (I thought of nothing more for years)

The one person I wanted to support me didnt, it was a hard time, we live a fair distance from one another of around 12 hours or so driving, so had many a conversation over the phone with either one of us hanging up on each other to aviod anymore hurtful comments. So I can relate to that with your story.

I choose to accept how she felt, as this was the best thing to do instead of arguing or trying to gain her approval and acceptance. I started loving her regardless. Once I told her this it seemed to start the way for healing. I was giving her permission to feel how she felt and I think that helped to give her time to process it all without me hindering that process. We must remember we have had time to process this ourselves and our loved ones need that too.

Can relate also to the many visits from church people, whos hearts where mainly in the right place.

Hopes that a little of what I’ve said is an encouragement that your not alone in this, as I know this time can be so freeing and so painful all at once.

Wishing you all the happiness in your relationship and with your family.


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