Pastor 51 Half out of the Closet

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Joined in 2010
November 20, 2010, 11:57

My father gave me “the sex talk” when I was nine. He told me that sleeping with another man was the worse sin I could commit. 😐 So my sexuality was suppressed before my adolescence even began. Thankfully, he never told me that it would be a sin to love another man. So I had a little space to be myself. 🙂 When I was 17, I was at Bible College and fell in love with a classmate: his wit, charm, intelligence, and persona. He remains my best friend to this day. But I did not have a name for what I felt. Yet I was his Jonathan and he was my David. 0:) I thought I would never marry, because I was never that attracted to women. However, I did marry and it was a disaster. :(( And not simply sexually. To not know myself, I had to shut so much down. Like many gay guys, I have highly developed intuitions that help me survive in a hostile world. But I had no idea how badly abused I would be. :~ I regret everything about the marriage, except my 18 year old son and 15 year old daughter. I am now divorced and free. 🙂 Eighteen months after the separation, I finally came out to myself in the safety of a counsellor’s office. I knew that no woman could ever touch the deepest part of me the way another man could. And suddenly I was awake to the whole world of masculine beauty. I train pastors and Bible College myself these days. So people know my story, some do not. For four years I have chosen to remain a celibate like Jeremiah or Paul to preserve my ministry in a denomination that does not understand. But I have fallen in love. Thankfully, it is not entirely reciprocal, or I wouldn’t know what to do next. Yet I have decided my celibacy will not continue forever. The emotional, physical, and spiritual costs are too high. I don’t know what the future holds. However, God waited in the wilderness for the Israelites when they left Egypt. He is waiting there for me too as I leave the cloister of my ecclesiastical Zion. He will not let me down. 🙂

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
November 20, 2010, 13:56

Pinkflamingo……great that you have this safe space to share your thoughts and experiences so openly and honestly. I hope you feel the support of this wonderful community.

I feel for you in your situation…..the more we know who we are and accept ourselves the more difficult it can be living fragmented lives….the true self and public self so different

Mr Summit
Chapter Leader
Joined in 2010
November 20, 2010, 15:00

Hi Pink Flamingo.

I can tell you work at a bible college. You use terms like “ecclesiastical Zion” (I don’t know what it means). :p

So your bosses at the bible college know you are gay but will let you teach as long as you are celibate?

Joined in 2010
November 20, 2010, 15:27

“Ecclesiastical” is just todo with the church structures. “Zion” was the holiest part of Jerusalem, a place of security and safety. So I will ulitmately have to leave my cosy position to be me. One leader knows. If I weren’t celibate, he would still try to protect me. But no individual would be powerful enough to pull that off in our system.

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
November 20, 2010, 20:05

Hi Pinkflamingo

Welcome to f2b! Love your username BTW. I’ve always liked pink flamingoes. 🙂

I wish you well in your journey and hope we hear more from you.

How did you hear about us?


Ann Maree

Joined in 2008
November 21, 2010, 13:50

Hi Pinkflamingo,

Welcome to our supportive community here. Thanks for sharing some of your journey.

It’s great to have another pastor with us along with a couple of others who post here on the forum.

Hope to hear more about your ministry sometime.

Joined in 2009
December 8, 2010, 23:00

Dear pinkflamingo

I can identify with your story, having been married for 20 years and coming out and accepting myself only after my marriage had ended. But I don’t work for a christian organisation. As you say, the toll on your emotional, physical and spiritual wellbeing are very high. You are in my prayers!


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