Life cycle is constantly evolving, sometimes things are forced to change because of circumstances and sometime thing are changing to adapt to its environments. Relinquishments is part of a life cycle which is a dynamic process not a static one. A large segment of my spiritual journey is a dynamic process of relinquishments. I am like an old house needed renovation, the foundation of the house is keep intact however some of its component is worth keeping, some can be recycle and modify, and some must be remove and dispose off.
Before my conversation one person I hated the most was my father, I hated him for what he inflicted upon me and upon my mother. One thing that was asked of me by my spiritual guide before I was Baptist is to forgive my father and lay down my pain and suffering. It was hard, I did not personally confronted my father but I wrote a note saying “I forgive you dad for whatever harm you have inflicted upon me” and left it in his study room. I did it with tears of pain and relief; there was calmness within me after that. Although I forgave but I never forget, it was hidden behind my new discovery, life with God. My baptism was held in a river by a mountainside; there I buried my passed, pain and suffering and I embarked into a new journey with God. Life was beautiful and enriched by the sense of purpose and belonging. Despite there were sense of fulfilment within me, struggle with sexuality lurking behind in my early adulthood. I suppressed it because to me it was an abomination and abnormal feeling. I was so determined to overcome it, to live my life to the fullness according to what I understand of being a Christian at the time and also to pursue my call.
My journey was abruptly stopped, not by my will but by intolerance, ignorant and judge-mentalism of others; whom I identified as family in Christ, whom I thought will extend their hand and help me, instead they push me off the cliff. Being part of the Church was a big chunk of my spiritual life and that part was drastically chop off, I lost my path and sense of belonging; ultimately I lost my self and blaming God for everything that happen. I have no choice I tried to let go and move on but I was not moving anywhere, I just wanted to return to the world that I knew but I can’t. I was forced into an unknown world. I became disappointed and blamed my self, I cannot see my future without God in my life (as I was told that I will be going to hell and I felt God have left me) and without the Church. I tried to take my own life few times and was admitted to psychiatric ward few times. Spiritually I was dead and I have no desire to live. In the middle of my despair a small voice keeps on awaken me saying “get up, get up, get up”, but I ignored it. I thought I was like everyone else in the ward ‘hearing voices’, eventually I decided to listen because I realised that I came to a tunnel of no ending. I have to move on, leave my old life and try to find my self and rediscovering God. I left behind my old life, my loves one, etc… to start again. I still feels the pain and the scare remain, the scare on my right wrist remind of the small voice persistently asking me to “get up”. I have move on but it was a long hard journey, experience that will remain with me until the day I die.
Gradually I let go some of the things that was indoctrinated in me and slowly open my self to a new dimension of spirituality with God of love as my foundation. God’s love me as I am and created me in his image. Therefore I cannot hate my sexuality because my sexuality is part of me, part of my being. When I affirmed my self in God’s love, I felt like the chain that keeps me captive all this years are broken and I am free. I am no longer bounded by conservative or dead doctrine and principle, I felt like I being surrounded by love beyond comprehension. I see and enjoy the simples’ things in life. I see God even in the ugliest situations and in every person regardless of their race, sexuality, gender, socioeconomic and political orientation, religion etc… The Bible is still very much a bread of my life but it is no longer the ultimate words of God, but words that inspired by God that affirmed God loving relationship with all of his creations. Yes… there are still some words and passages that puzzle me, rather than taking things literally I rustle with it. In the tradition which I was converted to (from Anglicant to Penticostal)this will be almost impossible but now I feel free to ask my self and God questions.
There are many things that I have to give up and let go in order to move on but I think my journey with God now are more fruitful and meaningful than it was. Experiences forced me and help me to relinquish some element in my spiritual life in order to continue my journey with living God. To me self respect and acceptance is a pathway to a new beginning and exploration of self and God.