It has been 4.5 years since i came out and ackowledged who i really am.
For years i supressed my real self,character,personality,dreams and goals,desires,opinions, my sexuality as i was told sooo many times that: “it is dirty,un natural, unclean, evil, ur destiny is a devils hell if u don’t change —–CHANGE????”
This created a lonely,dark,depressing journey for me as i tried to obey the WORD OF GOD and live “A CLEAN LIFE”, to be true pure and a holy vessel for the Lord (whatever that meant?) so, i pastored this way for 9 years trying to keep everything together so that i would make heaven my home.
Oh what a struggle it was some days i didn’t think i would ever survive or come through it i was so unhappy and i felt such a hypocrite, a sham, lier, deceiver preaching all the good stuff but! having all this other stuff going on. Suicide seenmed such an attractive option but even there i was told if i took my own life i would go to hell! so i couldn’t even silence my pain by checking out of this life for fear of spending my eternity in hell.
When my marriage finall failed the door was opened for me to start looking into the real me and it took time but! oh what a happy,glorious day when i finally admitted to myself: ” I AM GAY” the years of pain,frustration, hurt, fear, sadness, torment,terror, confusion started to lift and for the first time i was free. There was still stuff i had to work through but! the door was opened and i was free to be gay, free to discover who i really was as i had lost my identity i didn’t know who i was.
Today 5 years later i am a contented gay man, enjoying my freedom and living my “TRUE SELF” the feeling is amazing and i am looking 4ward to my great future as a gay man. The best thing i did.
Now i want to help other people that are where i was and just need to let it all go and embrace the real.