Hey Urban π thanks for sharing your story with us and welcome to F2B!
I know what it's like to take the bible literally. I personally suffered from deep depression and self loathed for 10 years because of what the bible supposedly said about gays, and I tried the 'pray the gay away' thing too, and I even got water baptised, but nothing changed my sexuality. I was still attracted to guys. After coming out to my parents I wanted answers fast. I noticed you mention you're still not convinced on the whole Sodom and Gomorrah thing. Trust me, both my mum AND I weren't convinced either, until I heard this sermon by Rob Buckingham which REALLY challenged my view on Sodom and Gommorah and it really opened my eyes.
Here's the whole sermon on it anyway (And it can be downloaded for free on iTunes if you really like it. It is under 'bayside church', episode 'real christianity is accepting':
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DPfql9A_vc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIez3WErnfw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M62T4czN8SY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iv7EwO4f6G8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slfprUmzNVI
Also, the words Sodomy and Sodomite weren't actually coined until the 15th century. And, in Ezekial 16:49-50 it actually tells us what the sin of Sodom is, nowhere does it mention homosexuality in the slighest bit.
Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy. They were haughty and did detestable things before me. Therefore I did away with them as you have seen.
You're more than welcome to check that passage out for yourself ^_^
The story of Sodom and Gomorrah is a story of wicked people whose intent was to sexually violate these visitors (rape) of whom they felt threatened by. This was quite common in those days (and is sadly common to this day). In fact, back then, the Romans raped their fallen enemies to humiliate them and claim victory – and back then, most, if not all of the battles obviously had heterosexual men, so the only way to sexually violate them was through anal sex – which many people now assume and believe that Sodom must have meant Sodomy, which they associate with Anal Sex, which they ultimately associate with Homosexuality (and many extremists then go a step further and claim homosexuality = beastiality *rolls eyes*).
The whole context of Sodom and Gomorrah has been taken way out of context. Let us say that even if ALL the men of Sodom, both young and old, were indeed gay (which is highly unlikely because even in a world of 6+ billion people, not even Boystown, Chicago or San Francicso has a 100% same-sex attracted population), why would Lot offer all these *supposedly* gay men, his two virgin DAUGHTERS? Gay men would not be interested in having sex with women. Also, if the two male angels had been female, people would rightfully assume that the story was about attempted gang rape, not homosexuality or homosexual sex.
There's this book that has helped me tremendously and truly opened my eyes to what the 6 clobber passages actually say. The book is called 'The Children Are Free: Re-examining the Biblical Evidence on Same-Sex Relationships' by Rev. Jeff Miner and John Tyler Connolly. I highly recommend the book. There's also 'Unchristian' by David Kinnaman, if you're interested – it has helped me anyway.
You say here:
I can't believe a loving God could be so harsh and cruel
That's exactly what I thought. I once figured 'If the bible condemns me to hell for something I never chose in the first place, why don't I just worship Satan, get everything I want in this life, then pack my bags for when he wants to take me?', obviously it made no sense that a loving God who created me, would punish me for being my true self.
I want to know HOW you have peace of mind. HOW have you reconciled your faith. HOW do you know there is no hell, or if there is that you aren't going thereβ¦.
I can't say I have 100% peace of mind. Heck, I've had 10 years of hating myself, and I still do many days, I do struggle in a world full of ignorance, but I refuse to let haters get the best of me, because I do deserve to stay alive and experience love, and if I give up my life, they win, and I won't let society dictate what I can and cannot do, and who I can and cannot love.
I have somewhat reconciled my faith and sexuality knowing that God created me just as I am. Why I was given the 'gay card' I will NEVER understand, but I try to think of the positives. I think if I hadn't been born gay, I would not empathise as much as I do nowadays, with minorities and people who feel like outcasts in society. I have a lot more respect for others, and even if I were given the option to turn straight, I wouldn't change it for the world.
I think one thing I have learnt is:
to know that we know nothing.
Isn't it true? Many days I think 'If I were born in a forest, how am I to know about Jesus, or even the bible or other religions for that matter?'. I believe there is one true God who created us though, and that we all come from the same one, whether through creation, evolution, or even a mix, I will never know or understand everything, or even if there is a heaven or hell (hopefully it'll all be answered when I die, but until then, I'm not giving it a second thought), all I know is that the evidence is all around us that God, (or some highly intelligent being, whatever you want to call that 'eternal search for something that cannot be found in this current life') exists, and I refuse to believe that everything so beautiful in this world was just an act of randomness by nothing. I will never understand why God ignores me many times (I've given up asking). In fact I have given up praying altogether, because it seems my prayers are only answered around 3% of the time, and that is not enough for me, but that's just my own personal experience.
I do hold a LOT of resentment towards the church and mainstream Christianity for making me feel so bad about myself, and ultimately driving me to 3 suicide attempts by the time I was merely 15 years old (and a 4th attempt almost happened after a pastor spewed a horrible homophobic remark to me). I no longer go to church because I feel like my spirit is crushed everytime, rather than fulfilled, but that is just my own personal experience too, for others it may be the exact opposite and helps them tremendously. For me, it doesn't.
I do still believe in God, I just sometimes don't like some of his followers who preach a gospel of hate, rather than a gospel of love and compassion, because I have a very sensitive temperament (I am a mix of melancholy/phlegmatic), which, when combined with the fact that I'm gay, is very dangerous.
I believe our goal is to love one another, and leave the judging up to God. I simply cannot fathom how a loving God who created me, would send me to hell for being my true self. There are many things in the bible I don't understand too, but I have learned that the bible shouldn't be taken 100% literally (otherwise we'd all be stoned to death for disobeying our parents… *admits being guilty of this*, among other things). It should be understood in its full context, as many people have misinterpreted it over the generations (encouragement of slavery / treatment of women / anti-homosexual / the world being flat – to name a few examples). It brings me great comfort knowing that even people back in the bible days misinterpreted things. Jesus said he would rebuilt the temple in Jerusalem for example, in 3 days. The temple itself took FOREVER for those people to build, so they were astonished by what Jesus said and asked how He could do such an impossible task. Jesus corrected them basically saying 'You don't understand, I will be the new temple'.
I have found tremendous freedom knowing that we're all sinners and that we all fall short of the glory of God, but thanks to Jesus, we've been saved (many people have somehow forgotten about this), and if people don't like me for who I am (excuse the language), F%5[< 'em! π life really is too short to be around ignorant people, and if one day I should find my prince charming, I will kiss him without shame, because if people don't like that, that's their problem, not mine, and I deserve the basic human right to love too.
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