Still in pain

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Joined in 2008
April 5, 2009, 23:04

I’ve gone to write this so many times and so many times I’ve pressed delete just prior to logging out…

I’ve been married for almost seven years and have an (almost) six year old son as well as two step kids. I was married a year before our son was born and basically, he was a honeymoon baby.

As I’m writing here, well, I’m gay and I had told my wife before we were married. She’s extremely conservative in her Christian views and I guess, when I told her, she took it upon herself to have me healed. She took me to Sydney to be prayed over and introduced me to the ex-gay movement. For a long time I thought that I could be healed of my homosexuality and on the strength of this, we were married.

Here we are, as I said, almost seven years later and I know I can’t be “healed”, but my wife is still living under this misnomer and telling me that my faith isn’t strong enough and it’s therefore my fault that I’m still the way I am.

I’ve always thought that I could maintain the marriage as long as she accepted that I am who I am and I still think that, but I know she doesn’t accept what I am and that I can never truly be what she wants. Over the last two odd years, I’ve become increasingly depressed and so emotionally wrecked that I can’t even cry anymore. I know I should walk away, but I can’t leave my little boy as I saw what she did to my step kids’ relationship with their father. I’m sure she’d be so much worse with my child!

I guess I’m scared to stay as things will just become worse for me (I already regularly suffer chest pains from stress) but I’m terrified to leave. My 14 year old step son has a lot of issues with his mother and is constantly asking me to leave and take him with me as well (another long story) but he doesn’t know about my sexuality.

I know everyone’s stories are different, but has anyone ever been in a situation like mine? I feel so alone and I don’t have anyone to talk to.


Joined in 2008
April 5, 2009, 23:23

Welcome Zed. Before I say anything, I want you to know how proud all of us are that you have taken the step to share your story with us. We are all here to support you 100% in whatever way that we can.

I’m just 17, never married, but I know there are many, many gay Christian men who are in heterosexual marriages. It is, without question, an incredibly difficult place to be in. Now that you have taken the first step, sharing your story, I hope that you will be able to get into contact with people who can help you based on their own experience, and I know there are several people on here who can help you in that regard. I can say without doubt that you will find a number of people who you can talk to, whether on this site or on similar ones.

My personal experience is limited, but I can tell you that I have been familiar with pain and I know that what you are going through is definitely difficult. So what I want to do right now is just encourage you. Stay secure knowing that God loves you and trust that he will take care of you. Even when everything around you is falling apart or out of control, know that God is still there for you, offering his peace for you. I hope that you will be able to find peace in the midst of your chaos. I’ll definitely be praying for you.

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
April 6, 2009, 07:40

Hi Zed…..i’m glad you didn’t hit the delete button this time.

I’ve been in that situation. Its painful for all concerned. The internal dissonance for us is enormous as we try to deny, suppress, reject and even destroy the real person inside us. You are already experiencing some of the psychological and emotional outcomes of living like that. Its not a healthy place to be.

You’ve come to an understanding quicker than I did. It took me 22 years to finally realise that my sexual orientation could not be changed. I prayed, fasted, had ‘demons’ cast out of me, went through ‘ex-gay’ programs and was married with two children for 16 of those 22 years. I too… your wife thought that it was my fault I couldn’t change….too weak….not enough faith etc. This of course only makes things worse…..and makes you plummet deeper… constantly with a sense of shame and failure.

Here I am now 17 years out as a gay man and could honestly say there has never been a day I regretted separating from my wife and family so we could all go on an live honest lives. They were difficult times but the sense of peace and resolution i have today is profound…..something i never knew during the 22 years of struggle.

I work one on one with men and women in our situations so have lots of resources. There is also various support groups specifically set up for you as well. None of this was available when I was going through it but if it had been I certainly would have handled some things very differently ……same outcome….but just handled things differently.

You can read a bit about the work I do here

If you would like to know more about the support groups then please email me directly [email protected]. No one else will read that and then I’ll be able to send you resources and help you with connections to appropriate groups if that is what you want.

you are no longer alone in this journey my friend.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Joined in 2008
April 6, 2009, 10:12

Hi Zed

Good on you for stepping out bravely to work through how you may have an authentic life. I can only imagine how utterly heartbreaking this whole process must be for you & how stuck you must feel.

Thank you so much for posting on here & attempting to connect with people who have been through some similar difficulties. Being alone in our desperation can be so destructive. Please keep posting, or get in touch with Anthony, he is an incredible human with a really powerful story. There are lots of brillinat people in F2B who would love to chat.

I pray that the grace & love of Jesus infiltrates your heart & mind so you might know some peace in this process.

Penny 🙂

Joined in 2005
April 6, 2009, 15:47

wow! What a journey. My heart breaks for your heart ache. It’s so hard to face the decisions we know we will need to make in order to be free.

I live by a mantra “Just be” If I can not be me than I cannot fulfil God’s call on my life.

I am so sorry that you feel held back by circumstance. I grieve with you and hold you up in Jesus name.

God’s grace and mercy for all involved, the strength and clarity of mind for decision making. Amen

If there is ANYTHING we can do, even if it is just a quick chat or a long chat just PM, not issue

Joined in 2008
April 6, 2009, 20:31

Hi Zed,

Like everyone else above, my heart goes out to you in your hour of need. Please take the opportunity to get in touch with Anthony our Co-convenor who will be able to explain what your options are.

In the meantime, Welcome to Freedom2b[e] 😀 I trust that you will find some comfort and solace here on the forum.

Joined in 2008
April 6, 2009, 22:36

Thank you all for your encouragement. I cut short writing my story last night as my wife returned home at the wrong time. She often complains that I’m not trying to help our marriage and I figured that seeing me on this site wouldn’t help.

I guess it’s hard. I feel isolated from God. I remember having a strong faith years ago but now I feel nothing. I guess I’ve spent so long in survival mode that the emotions are so buried away that I can’t feel God anymore.

The last time I thought to talk to someone in Canberra (where I live), that person ended up having an ulterior motive of his own. He was married and looking for someone to have sex with. It scared me as I wasn’t looking for that but was drawn to it. I cut off contact with him before ever actually meeting him. At this point, I’ve never slept with a man and have never pursued my sexuality. I’ve been in love with three men who were definitely not gay and I shared a house with two of them. That in itself was absolutely agonising. I seem to be attracted to straight men and then I get paranoid about them finding out. I haven’t been in love with a man since long before I got married.

Anyway, that’s all for now. Again, thank you for your support.


Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
April 7, 2009, 11:44

hey Zed we have people in Canberra who post here and also two board members if it would be helpful to connect with them.

The freedom 2 b[e] space both meetings and forum are cruize free zones as you might have read in our mission and guidelines statements. In other words we don’t connect with each other with a sexual agenda.

Freedom 2 b[e] is a safe space…..outside of that it can sometimes be a minefield for those of use who are worn down, fragile and needing genuine support ….not sex.

Joined in 2008
April 7, 2009, 22:20

Thanks AVB, I’d appreciate being able to contact people in Canberra. I’ll send you an email over the next few days so you have an address to contact me.



Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
April 8, 2009, 10:13


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