this is my story -gay male 36 and out

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Joined in 2008
March 24, 2008, 23:31 jeff,an openly gay 36 year old from hobart.i wasnt always openly gay,nor was i as confidant as i am today.i was raised in an isolated part of north west tasmania,went to church,sunday school,knew about the lord,and later believed in christ as my lord and saviour.i also hid a secret.i knew something was different when i started getting crushes on boys,not girls.i kept waiting to ‘discover girls’ but that didnt happen,so i buried that part of me way was easy.most of my life i was told i was ugly,pale or plain,or dumb,so nobody came knocking on my door.i was never close to my family,in fact i was relieved when i finally moved out ,away from them .i was a rejected person,with few friends,little social life,and a poor student.i continued with church,youth group,and all that,albeit half heartedly,and still developed a faith in age 21 i moved to a bigger city(launceston) and a new life,grew up in some ways,not others,continued to be rejected,but soldierd on anyway,and continued to attend church.the first church i joined in launceston was a bit of a cult,with very strange ideas.after 2 years,i gladly left. i still buried my homosexuality deep down,remaining a virgin,sure that was what God wanted for me.i also continued to have mild psychological problems,bouts of loneliness,depression,anxiety,and even when i made new friends,and had new experiences,i was still plagued by them.i also developed physical health problems.i never truly fit in to churches.some people would spread rumours that i was gay,and later,that i would sleep with anything.i was gay,but i was also a virgin.later in my middle twenties i found a church i liked,a pentecostal church,where i settled for three and a half years,grew in the lord,and made decent friends,whom i felt cared about me,and i,them.sadly the church was falling to bits,with leadership squabbles,and power struggles.sensing something bad was going to happen i suddenly felt i had to leave the church,and started attending the small assemblies of god,up the road.within a few months my old church had split in half,and eventually dissolved.meanwhile i spent five years in that assemblies of god,and grew even more both in the lord,and in bible knowledge.that church had very solid biblical teaching.unfortunatly,within that church there were also power struggles,and the pastor had a break down and quit.there were splits in that church,it changed its name and direction several times,and last i heard has totally fallen to bits.again,before it dissolved,i felt i had to leave,so again the lord protected my early 30s,id had enough of my old life,and moved to hobart,tasmania’s capital,where via the net,id already made friends.i havent looked back!ive made good friends here,i have a good life,im now medicated for my mental health issues,and im doing fine.i go clubbing,when i can,go to the gym to sculpt my body,and my outlook is bright.i dont work,but maybe that will come.ive come out as a gay man,no longer ashamed,no longer afraid.most of my friends are gay as seems to have come at the expense of church.i just dont feel like i belong there.i dont broadcast my gayness,but maybe some people can sense it in me,not that i totally over it.admittedly ive had terrible luck when it comes to churches,but im a lot happier than ive ever been.i still love the lord,even tho i no longer want much to do with so called christians.why would i want to be around people who tell you to your face that you cant be gay and be a christian?or that gay people are going to hell,or demonised?i heard that,numerous times.the people saying it had no idea i was gay,it was often just casual conversation.too bad i didnt have the courage to speak up.i would now,but i didnt then.pity thats me,in a nutshell.jeff.

Shantih Shantih Shantih
Joined in 2008
March 25, 2008, 00:23

…ive had terrible luck when it comes to churches

Says it all, don’t it? I know what it’s like to have a church fall down around itself due to leadership quibbles. The church I grew up in fell to bits about…how long has it been now?…two and half/three years ago? As far as I know it still marches on, but it’s former congregation of about 70 people has at least halved. 🙁

Also know what you mean about family – I know it sounds horrible but in general I can’t stand to be around them. Don’t relate to them at all.

Anyway, welcome to the board, I hope you find here the fellowship you couldn’t find at church. 🙂

God bless,

– William

Joined in 2007
March 25, 2008, 18:53

Hey Jeff thanks for sharing your story. Great to hear about your journey. 😆

Joined in 2006
March 26, 2008, 19:05

Welcome to F2b Jeff, you have had quite a journey but its great to hear that you are in a good place in yourself. Its also great to discover that you can love the Lord and he loves you back even if we are gay. 😀

Joined in 2008
March 27, 2008, 04:13

Hi Jeff!

Welcome to F2B! Isnt it good to know that you are not alone? That is what I love so much about this little online community. Your story is like so many others here. I could totally relate to what you wrote. Ive been through two church breakdowns myself. Its sad. Just know that whether you are in a church or not, this is a place to come where you are not judged for who you are. Thanks for posting your story! Cant wait to hear more in the future! 😉

Joined in 2008
March 28, 2008, 15:39

Thanks for sharing that story jeff although i know you well i also understand what it can be like in church these days as you know i play the keys for a church but usually can’t wait to go home after i don’t usually want to chat with people as i have been rejected by many. Well just wanted to say it was good to hear it all you shared.


Chris 🙂

Joined in 2006
March 28, 2008, 17:19

Hi Chris and welcome to F2B, looking forward to hearing more from you 😀 Its great to know you and Jeff know each other.

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
March 31, 2008, 15:13

. i still buried my homosexuality deep down,remaining a virgin,sure that was what God wanted for me.i also continued to have mild psychological problems,bouts of loneliness,depression,anxiety,and even when i made new friends,and had new experiences,i was still plagued by them.i also developed physical health problems..

I think that often people are unaware just how damaging it can be to suppress and hate your true sexual identity. I think the major impact on me was a sexual addiction. this died when I came out. I’ve since found that this is not an uncommon experience.

There is one guy that I worked with who had a list of physical illnesses a mile long. so many tests but they coulnd’t find anything wrong…..just symptoms. He came out at my book launch at the age of 50. All the physical conditions disappeared.

I often wonder what my life would have been like if I’d been told as a young Christian man of 18 that I could be gay and a Christian. Certainly I would not have lived with the secrecy, deception and inner turmoil with the perceived conflict between my faith and sexuality. that would have made me much healthier psychologically, emotionally and spiritually.

this is the goal

I think this is already happening for some young people who are able to come out in their churches.

One quote I’m quite well known for is “My morality is a choice. My sexual orienation however isn’t”

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