Hi everyone, sorry this story is so long (even after cutting out some details). I hope its not too boring as well lol 😀

I’ve always been spiritually minded. Even though the christian side of my family lives in another state, I guess it was inevitable that the 1st way of defining God I stumbled across was christianity. I gradually started to identify as a christian between age 6-13, and started to attend a pentecostal church regularly at about 15. At 15 I also knew for sure that I like women, and found out I’m apparently going to hell for it 😳

I didn’t understand how something that seemed so natural and innocent could be so wrong. After all, I was only 12 when I started to notice other girls, and I had no idea how to like a boy. So, like every other story I’ve seen on this site, I begged God to cure me. I didnt dare tell the church. Until I was 17 I actually convinced myself it worked! But the emotional torment was like I was already in hell. I guess that’s what denial does. As a result my life was so empty and devoid of meaning, I became so radical, perhaps extremist, in my religious beliefs that I was driven by hate and anger. I was so caught up in the details of ‘God’s word’ that i forgot what it’s even about. Of course that didnt help, and i got so depressed the only thing keeping me from suicide was fear.

At 17 I dropped out of high school and started tafe. Determined though I was to convert the entire college to christianity lol, that was the year everything changed. The inevitable happened: i met a woman i was so powerfully attracted to that nothing else mattered anymore. We were never ‘together’ (complicated situation), but i could no longer deny my orientation (not to myself or God anyway; but i wasnt out to anyone else). For the rest of that year I felt estranged from God – I cant repent for thoughts 1000 times a day, especially if i’m not sorry. I eventually stopped going to church.

But of course, God never gave up on me, and i didnt feel ok without him. Still, it took a friend to talk some sense into me & convince me that i can have a relationship with God, ignore the pedantic rules and accept my sexuality. While this freedom allowed an honest relationship with God, it was also the collapse of my belief system. I am eternally grateful for my friend’s advice, but the downside is that I dont know what’s real anymore. If the bible is now fallible, what is the truth? I’m trying to rebuild a belief system, but i dont know how, and I miss being part of a community of spiritually minded people….

Ironically, as soon as I was far enough out of religion to have deeper problems with it than just the gay thing, I ended up dating a guy for a few months. I dont consider myself to be cured, coz my interest in women hasn’t diminished, but more like I’m now truly free to be who I am, rather than biased one way or another. More ironically, being technically bi apparently makes me almost as unwelcome in gay world as i am in church world! HaHa! I just couldnt really be bothered defining myself – although i prefer women, it’s not ultimately about gender for me, just love. And i think i’m starting to be at peace with being undefined spiritually too. 😀 😀

Hi Figment,

sorry this story is so long (even after cutting out some details). I hope its not too boring as well lol

Oh I had to laugh at that! Have you seen my story? Or Maggie’s or Anthony’s for that matter? Between us it rivals the English Oxford Dictionary in length! 😆 😆 There is no word limit on posts… I think someone tried to institute one at some point… Mostly my fault I imagine… a kinder way of saying shut up.

But the emotional torment was like I was already in hell. I guess that’s what denial does. As a result my life was so empty and devoid of meaning,

If you have had a chance to browse the discussion section you may have seen this already… It’s currently my pet quote.

If you go hungry too long, it changes you. The habit of tension, of resistance as a daily struggle, stains the entire world. The negative virtue of endurance becomes masochistic. You measure your success not on the presence of happiness, but on the absence of temptation, the absence of desire. It is the path of resignation. The horrible thing, the hair turning white overnight thing, is this: it doesn’t work. Resignation is only a part-time coping strategy. If you are still alive, you can only ape death for so long. Your mind can convince your body, for a time, that it feels nothing, that you desire nothing. You can do without want. You can gird your life around with barriers and scarecrows, but want will stroll past your guards and gates. It will happen when you cannot plan for it, predict it, or endure it, and once you want, once you desire, your blood surges and you are alive again. When you live in the desert, you will endlessly crave water.

Susan Smith – 2008

I can’t seem to help but be drawn to the truth of the words.

If the bible is now fallible, what is the truth? I’m trying to rebuild a belief system, but i dont know how

I’ve had to learn patience with this the hard way, the pious call it waiting on God, I call it a pain in the ass. 😆

Freedom 2 be is well… just that really. A place where we are free to just “be”. Be with other people in similar situations, be encouraged and comforted in our journeys, be able to say we have no sure answers and no definate undersandings, be fundamentally and authentically ourselves without definition or censure that is so predominant in society.

More ironically, being technically bi apparently makes me almost as unwelcome in gay world as i am in church world!

Sadly this is true, and I am sorry for it. There are many reasons of course but as with most prejudices the main one (in my opinion anyway) is ignorance, in fact you will find a thread on here somewhere where we were trying to figure bisexuals out! I’m still clueless I’m afraid 😉 We need brave and wonderful people like you to help the world understand.

Ok, I’ve babbled on enough. I hope you enjoy your time on the forum and don’t be afraid to add your thoughts to any of the threads or contact a member via PM.

Oh I had to laugh at that! Have you seen my story? Or Maggie’s or Anthony’s for that matter? Between us it rivals the English Oxford Dictionary in length!

what?what? its my short condensed version 😆 between you and Anthony could probably start a new dictionary 😉

what?what? its my short condensed version Laughing between you and Anthony could probably start a new dictionary Wink

Ok so we are all long winded and terribly verbose… It must be a girl thing. That would explain how Anthony’s ended up book length 😆 😆 😆

Ok so we are all long winded and terribly verbose… It must be a girl thing. That would explain how Anthony’s ended up book length

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now thats cute 😆

yeh true Magz, you certainly are one for short sweet and longggggg 😉 😆