Hi Jordan –

wow – a lot of big questions here in your post – and what a big night you have had too.

I had a few immediate responses in my mind as i read your post – so in no particular order….

It's an interesting space here at f2be to pose your question about water baptism. This strikes me as being a very diverse (in more ways than one!! 🙂 ) community – and within that beautiful diversity there are people from a range of church and non church backgrounds – and with that a fairly wide range of theological perspectives. So I guess in posing your question you will have to sift through a similarly diverse range of views about water baptism.

So… for what it's worth – my perspective and thoughts:

– In taking the decision to be water baptised – I can only assume that you were taking a step of faith, of commitment and a willingness to "do" something else to affirm your beliefs and love for God in a public forum. Putting aside the various theological perspectives about whether or not water baptism is compulsory/necessary/an optional extra or whatever – my gut feeling is that is that the God that loves us and knows us – also knows your intent…. so I am sure that God loves and recognises your decision to be baptised.

– Tough questions about "hearing from God" – yep I sure know that one 🙂 I truly don't think there's an easy reply to that question and longing. I could trot out a whole lot of cliches like "God always answers… but maybe not how we expected… " but I know how dissatisfying this is as an answer. I do however think that there is some truth in the the notion of "hearing God" in all number of ways. Not sure if this will help you, but instead of expecting God/Jesus/Holy spirit to be revealed by my earnest prayers or actions (which I still at times tend to think will work… silly me!) – I have found it helpful to thank God for revealing himself in the beauty of nature, in a beautiful piece of music, in a day that goes right, in the conversation with a stranger or friend… in the emotions I feel when I connect with a loved pet… in words of wisdom spoken by another. I really believe that our loving God is in fact very interested in our day to day lives – and that perhaps there are "answers" (even if they are not actually answers to my questions) in what may seem very ordinary things.

— Do I think water baptism is necessary for these answers or necessary in order to hear from God – straight up…. no I don't. However – do I think God was watching you and loving your desire and intent tonight … yes I do.

– all that said…. yep… there are many things I'd like answers to… many things I'd like to see changed in my life… many hurts and disappointments I put before God… and yes it's sh***tty.. but I think this is just part of being human. And perhaps we can't truly appreciate the joys of life if we haven't experienced the sorrows – a cliche perhaps… but I take some comfort in that. Yes I too at times say "God!!! where are you in this???" but it helps me to get out of that space if even while I'm in it – i can say thanks to God that he's part of a bigger picture… or thanks for the beautiful sunshine… thanks for a beautiful meal…. etc.

I am sorry that you have doubts and sadness about "being good enough" for a future partner. I am sorry that you question the acceptance of those at your church of you if they knew you were gay. The worry of being "good enough" can be emotionally exhausting. I think we expect more of ourselves than God actually does. Remember Jordan that God is a God of mercy and of love. We people (me included) love to focus on the judgement of God… at the expense of the great love and mercy.

I have had some very good people lend me books over the last year that aim at helping me to focus on a God that loves rather than a God that is ever judging. This has helped me to begin to be a bit kinder on myself.

Anyway – enough from me – you are in my thoughts and prayers. And I for one will be saying thank you to God for your baptism tonight (bumped head and all) 🙂

Sarab

Awww <3 thanks guys!

My reasons for the water baptism were to bury my old life and sin behind and take the next step in my faith. Though I never realized it was also a public declaration (and there were about 200 people there). Something one of the pasters at the church a while back said was "some people may not feel any different when baptised, but there's something spiritual that we cannot physically see, that goes on when you come out of the water", like leaving your old life behind etc. so I'll try to take comfort in that 😀 and who knows, maybe I will feel different when I one day get baptised in the Holy Spirit?

It's a pretty difficult question I admit, and perhaps I should have worded it differently. I think I will take away bits from answers that speak to me personally, so I can form my own conclusion of what being water baptised means 😀

Thanks for saying I've got a big heart Amila 😀 It's funny you mention that because in my final school year book, we were all given a title and what the other students think we would become in our life. They all said I had a "big heart", and that I would own a chain of bakeries (that one is not going to happen though, ha ha), and despite how I was treated at school from others because of my weight, I was amazed and overwhelmed they would say something like that.

Speaking of weight, I'm continuing to drop more. It's my goal to get down to 80-85kg. At my heaviest I was 118kg (I know, I know – but trust me I tried a lot of things), but as of a couple days ago, I finally started seeing double digits 😀 I'm now 98.4kg (lightest I've ever been apart from when I trained with this personal trainer guy 'Gavin' who got me down to 99kg), so it's just the beginning of a new me. I've never seen my skinnier, sexier self, so I plan on seeing that hopefully within a year. They say it takes about 6 months to drop a good chunk of weight, but I am patient.

I try to look in the mirror everyday and say positive things, and there are some positives, like my straight button-shaped nose, and my perfectly round ear lobes, but at the end of the day all I say to myself is "still fat". I really am my own worst enemy sometimes, and it's strange how I can say it to myself, yet if someone else says it in public, it's offensive to me? I guess it's because it confirms the fact, I don't know. It's like I'm allowed to put myself down or something :-/ and that's not healthy. I think like you guys said, I need to reassure myself in a positive light. There was this interview with Lady Gaga and she said everyday she spends 5 minutes (she tried 15 but it was too much) saying positive things about herself in the mirror. I like that. I think that's something I can do. Perhaps write a gratitude list and repeat it to myself everyday.

Thanks for all the help guys <3

~Jordan

Thanks RQC!

A few months before I came out to my parents I kept praying to God saying something along the lines of 'God you say we are all your children, but society tells me I am an abomination and that I'm going to hell for being gay. I've felt like this my entire life though, I always felt different, I've tried changing, I've even prayed for change, but nothing will change me, and I'm starting to think that maybe this is who I am. Surely I am still one of your children and surely you still love me?'

It wasn't until I came out to my parents that I felt a sense of peace and grace. I felt liberated and this heavy/sinking feeling in my heart lifted after almost 10 years struggling with my sexuality and faith. At that point I realized God still loved me, and it was just the shear ignorance and intolerance from people in society who don't understand unconditional love, and that we were born this way. So really, when I came out, that prayer was answered despite not getting any voice or words in that sense.

<3

Water baptism is an outer symbolic act that gives witness to the new birth within

I think that sums up water baptism perfectly 😀

Thanks Amila! Yup I'm feeling much better today.

once we manage to change our negative mindset to a positive one… things start falling into place…

I think that's something I need to work on, perhaps the gratitude list thing will help me 😛 I will start writing a list of what I am grateful for and write down some positive things to change my negative mindset!

Thanks again everyone,

~Jordan

Quote from RQC on July 30, 2012, 11:20 am

I use the least words I can to drive a point home, I hate yappy, maybe it's my short attention span…what's this place again???

Its awesome that you do that… I dont really understand what u meant by what's this place.. are you asking about this site? If so this is a site thats open to anyone LGBT straight alike.. we share stories ask questions regarding faith… etc… Im a rather new member here.. this site is what helped me reconcile my faith and sexuality… 🙂 Hope I've answered you..

God Bless

Amila