Most parents don’t think very much about their own children being attracted to the same sex. Many of us have grown up with values and beliefs that have been passed down through the generations and we have not really understood, or given much thought, to what ‘homosexuality’ means. To discover that your son or daughter is ‘homosexual’ can be very difficult for parents, for the son or daughter and for others in the family.
You may have just found out that your son or daughter is gay or lesbian. This guide may give you some understanding of what other parents have experienced and what they found helped them.
What are the labels we use?
‘Heterosexual ’ — a person sexually attracted to others of the opposite sex
‘Homosexual ’ — a person sexually attracted to others of the same sex
‘Gay ’ — a male who is homosexual
‘Lesbian ’ — a female who is homosexual
‘Bisexual ’ — a person attracted to both sexes.
What parents feel
• Perhaps learning about this has come as a sudden surprise or perhaps you may have been wondering for some time about your child’s sexuality.
• You might be feeling many different things such as shock, disbelief, disappointment, sorrow, guilt or confusion.
• Many parents believe that their child will be hurt being known as ‘homosexual’.
• Many parents feel that they have done something wrong or have failed in some way.
• Some feel embarrassed about friends or other family members finding out or anxious about their reactions.
• You may be wondering why your child would ‘choose’ to be ‘homosexual’.
o Is she rebelling?
o Is he sure?
o Isn’t it just a phase?
o He is too young to know for sure!
o Why didn’t she tell us before?
o Is my child different now?
o What does this mean for her life?
o What will it mean for ours?
WHAT PARENTS ASK?
Why did he ‘choose’ to be gay?
Was he influenced by someone to become like this? Is she doing this just to hurt me? Is it a psychological thing that a psychologist or psychiatrist can cure?
• No one ‘chooses’ his sexuality. Sexual orientation (which sex a person is attracted to), whether it is same sex or the other sex, or both, comes from within a person.
• Sexuality is part of our whole being and is not a decision. No one can change a young person’s sexual orientation—not parents, not counsellors and not the young person himself.
• Sexual orientation is not caused by anything parents are, or have done, and cannot be changed by anything parents do. There can be a lot of difficulties and discrimination—most people would not choose to take these on.
• The choice your child has made is more about whether to face facts, accept who he is and live happily, or to feel shame and hide from, or try to block out, a basic part of him.
It may be hard for you to know that your child has probably been dealing with her sexuality for years and hasn’t told you. You may feel hurt or angry or guilty because she did not come to you before.
Isn’t it ‘just a phase’?
He’s rebelling? Is he sure?
Most teenagers go through a phase of being attracted to or hero-worshipping people of the same sex. They may feel unsure about their sexuality for a while and may not want to talk about it. This is a normal part of development. However, if your son tells you that he is gay, he is usually sure that this is how he is. When he tells you that he is sure, he needs to feel you believe and will support him.
Why didn’t she tell us before?
We live in a society where many people misunderstand homosexuality where there is prejudice, violence and fear associated with it. Sons and daughters, who realise that they are gay or lesbian, can have a difficult time coming to terms with their sexuality and may often struggle with it for a long time by themselves.
To tell your parent that you are gay or lesbian takes great courage. Often young people feel they put themselves at risk by telling their parents because they don’t know what the reaction will be.
To get to the stage where your child shares this with you usually means she is very sure of whom she is. It also says something about your relationship—that she wants to share this part of her life and maybe to build a better relationship with you.
You may feel upset for not having been able to help your child before now – you need to understand that probably she could not have told you any sooner.
Many young people may have been harassed or bullied, rejected by friends or seen this happen to others. They may have picked up other people’s negative comments and attitudes towards homosexual people.
It may be hard for you to know that your child has probably been dealing with her sexuality for years and hasn’t told you.
You may feel hurt or angry or guilty because she did not come to you before. You may even question the strength of your relationship for this to have been kept from you.
The main reason many young people withhold this information is fear—the fear of rejection by parents, other family members and friends. This leads to fear at school, at university and in the work place—and the longer it takes to come out, the more the fear grows.
Sometimes young people tell their parents in an angry or accusing way because they are so stressed with worrying about it or they may be anxious about your reaction. They may feel worried about hurting you or be feeling guilty about you losing some of your dreams, for example, for a wedding and grandchildren.
Your love and support is so very important at this time.
Is my child different now?
Your child is still the same child that you have loved and cared for all these years. He has not changed because he has told you about his sexuality. Sexuality is one part of a person there are many parts that you know and love that have not change d—how your child treats you and others, what he does, what he likes, all the thousands of things that go to make up who he is.
He has had a long time to get used to his sexual feelings. It is new to you, so if you need to, ask him to give you some time to come to terms with your feelings in the way that he has taken time. You may need to think through your feelings, the dreams that you have had and the practical things like whom to tell and how to tell them.
Your child is still the same child that you have loved and cared for all these years.
Coming to terms with changes
Whatever your response is, you will be grieving in some way because every change involves some loss (as well as some gain). You might go through the same grief feelings as for any other loss. This can include shock, denial or disbelief (hoping it will go away), shame (what will people say?), anger or guilt, blaming yourself or the other parent, depression and in the end, hopefully acceptance.
The reality is that you now know your child better and have the opportunity to be closer.
While you are going through this period, you might find it helpful to talk it over with people who understand what you are going through. Get support from other parents who have had a similar experience. It can also help to learn more about ‘homosexuality’ through reading about how other families deal with it.
Coming to grips with this information and accepting it takes time and there are no hard and fast rules as to how long it will take. It is different for everyone and there is no one right way.
Some parents may show their acceptance of their child’s sexuality with a celebration with family and friends.
Sadly some parents cannot accept their child’s sexuality and this can lead to a break in family relationships that is hurtful to everyone.
Reminders
• Just because you now know about your child’s sexuality, doesn’t mean your son or daughter is a different person.
• Talk to your child about the time you need to get used to your new knowledge.
• The more openly you can talk together the easier it will be.
• Share your feelings and worries with your child.
• Work out ways to deal with some of the problems, such as who to tell and how to say it.
• Make contact with other parents of gays and lesbians for support.
• It is important not to reject your child.
• If you can’t accept your child’s sexuality you may lose your son or daughter.
• Your child needs to know that your love and support is strong through difficult times.
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