Please forgive me for the long message. I don't know where to start! How about here, a poem I wrote recently….
Journey Beyond Despair
Joined in this union of marriage,
Husband and Wife are together until 'death do us part'.
This Husband portrayed himself as the perfect husband, father, friend and colleague,
A creature that was depicted as anything other than what he truly was,
No one knew what lied beneath the surface.
This Wife was here to serve what was expected of her,
To partake in what her husband told her to,
With a 'smile' despite his continual taunts, that she was stupid and crazy,
That something was seriously wrong with her and she was unworthy of a place in his home,
Quite simply she was a beaten down, powerless female.
So it was drummed into her head day after day,
Week after week,
Month after month,
Year after year,
For 18 years.
It followed her everywhere,
This constant dark shadow,
Always behind her, in front of her, to the left and to the right of her.
She was in a vortex of absolute despair,
Spiralling down deeper and deeper, into this abyss 'someone else' called depression….
To 'Fight' or to 'Flight'?
She had no mental, emotional, or physical strength left,
To continue on with life for her parents, her children or her friends,
Not even to save what little was left of her broken down mind and body,
She could not 'Fight' anymore.
She experienced a never ending cycle of emotional, physical and sexual abuse,
From the hands of her so called husband,
Something she could never bear to share with anyone,
Which, when culminated together,
Lead her to her path of choice – 'Flight'.
Sheer desperation took its hold,
Thoughts danced through her head like a balloon that begged to be chased,
The packets and bottle that listened to and understood her that night,
Were soon a part of her inner body,
It was a one way 'Flight' to a safer place.
Her head was spinning out of control,
She was not accustomed to having this sort of power,
She felt a sort of comfort within her like a warm blanket,
That seemed to protect her from another moment in the hands of her husband,
She sighed with relief and closed her eyes.
With help from powers that were meant to be that night,
I received an unexpected message that needed to be acted upon immediately,
My 'Flight' scheduled for departure at approximately 3.00am,
Was inevitably delayed due to unfinished business.
My 'one way ticket' was subsequently cancelled, never to be redeemed again.
Through the help of my parents, family, friends and support team,
I began a new journey which started with a lot of support and some very small steps,
As the days, weeks, months and years have passed, I have become emotionally, mentally and physically stronger,
I now experience a courage that would once have been beyond my comprehension,
I am now able to experience joy and happiness in my life as a single, independent, mother of 3.
It is now that I can show my true strength and courage,
To extend my experiences and understanding,
To truly help others and to say that….
'what happened behind closed doors used to stay behind closed doors',
That is until today…..
That's just part of it…but I had to start somewhere! I have had struggles with my sexuality for a very long time. I was married to my ex-husband for 11 years and we were together for 18 years! I grappled with my feelings towards women for many many years, even prior to having any relationships at all. (I have only ever had 2 relationships – both males). The first I was 18 & it lasted for a few months, the second, my former husband. I have had more spiritual and meaningful friendships with women all my life. I still proceeded to live a lie and tried to squash any feelings I did have towards women. As you all now know, that lie nearly killed me!!! I also think that the diminishing self-respect & self-esteem etc, through the domestic violence didn't help the situation either. Thankfully, I am now 'living' 3 years post separation and nearly 2 years post divorce. I have 3 beautiful children, which are the best things that have come out of a very very bad situation. I have been searching for answers for a very long time. I am now 40 and am now exploring what it really means to be me and what my true path in life really is. I am at the stage where I can at least acknowledge to myself that I am not curious, or confused. I am attracted to women in so many different ways. I know that what I feel deeply in my heart and soul, with all my being, is that I am a lesbian. (As much as I detest labels). At the Melbourne May meeting last night, Rev Avril Hannah-Jones discussed about being in the LGBTI community and practicing celebacy. It raised within my mind many questions. Like for example, for me, I have self imposed very solid barriers so as to not even entertain the idea of a relationship or any closeness with a woman. My question now is: should I practice celebacy purely due to the fear, trust and numerous other issues I have within myself so as to not put myself in another 'bad situation'? To come to terms with one's sexual orientation is beyond words for me right now. One step at a time I have been told, by Michelle and Linda:) The May meeting last night was my first step….My `coming-out` will take time & courage, but hey, survival through domestic violence was not that easy either! I have so much more in my head that I want to say…but I think this post has been a bit too long!! Thank you to Michelle and Linda for the support they have given to me so far:) David, from Sydney spoke to me last night about the forums on Freedom 2 Be. Thank you for the advice on reading past posts, David. I am glad I did, or I don't think I would have had the courage to post this today!
Mish x
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