Where do I start?

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Joined in 2012
May 19, 2012, 10:08

Please forgive me for the long message. I don't know where to start! How about here, a poem I wrote recently….

Journey Beyond Despair

Joined in this union of marriage,

Husband and Wife are together until 'death do us part'.

This Husband portrayed himself as the perfect husband, father, friend and colleague,

A creature that was depicted as anything other than what he truly was,

No one knew what lied beneath the surface.

This Wife was here to serve what was expected of her,

To partake in what her husband told her to,

With a 'smile' despite his continual taunts, that she was stupid and crazy,

That something was seriously wrong with her and she was unworthy of a place in his home,

Quite simply she was a beaten down, powerless female.

So it was drummed into her head day after day,

Week after week,

Month after month,

Year after year,

For 18 years.

It followed her everywhere,

This constant dark shadow,

Always behind her, in front of her, to the left and to the right of her.

She was in a vortex of absolute despair,

Spiralling down deeper and deeper, into this abyss 'someone else' called depression….

To 'Fight' or to 'Flight'?

She had no mental, emotional, or physical strength left,

To continue on with life for her parents, her children or her friends,

Not even to save what little was left of her broken down mind and body,

She could not 'Fight' anymore.

She experienced a never ending cycle of emotional, physical and sexual abuse,

From the hands of her so called husband,

Something she could never bear to share with anyone,

Which, when culminated together,

Lead her to her path of choice – 'Flight'.

Sheer desperation took its hold,

Thoughts danced through her head like a balloon that begged to be chased,

The packets and bottle that listened to and understood her that night,

Were soon a part of her inner body,

It was a one way 'Flight' to a safer place.

Her head was spinning out of control,

She was not accustomed to having this sort of power,

She felt a sort of comfort within her like a warm blanket,

That seemed to protect her from another moment in the hands of her husband,

She sighed with relief and closed her eyes.

With help from powers that were meant to be that night,

I received an unexpected message that needed to be acted upon immediately,

My 'Flight' scheduled for departure at approximately 3.00am,

Was inevitably delayed due to unfinished business.

My 'one way ticket' was subsequently cancelled, never to be redeemed again.

Through the help of my parents, family, friends and support team,

I began a new journey which started with a lot of support and some very small steps,

As the days, weeks, months and years have passed, I have become emotionally, mentally and physically stronger,

I now experience a courage that would once have been beyond my comprehension,

I am now able to experience joy and happiness in my life as a single, independent, mother of 3.

It is now that I can show my true strength and courage,

To extend my experiences and understanding,

To truly help others and to say that….

'what happened behind closed doors used to stay behind closed doors',

That is until today…..

That's just part of it…but I had to start somewhere! I have had struggles with my sexuality for a very long time. I was married to my ex-husband for 11 years and we were together for 18 years! I grappled with my feelings towards women for many many years, even prior to having any relationships at all. (I have only ever had 2 relationships – both males). The first I was 18 & it lasted for a few months, the second, my former husband. I have had more spiritual and meaningful friendships with women all my life. I still proceeded to live a lie and tried to squash any feelings I did have towards women. As you all now know, that lie nearly killed me!!! I also think that the diminishing self-respect & self-esteem etc, through the domestic violence didn't help the situation either. Thankfully, I am now 'living' 3 years post separation and nearly 2 years post divorce. I have 3 beautiful children, which are the best things that have come out of a very very bad situation. I have been searching for answers for a very long time. I am now 40 and am now exploring what it really means to be me and what my true path in life really is. I am at the stage where I can at least acknowledge to myself that I am not curious, or confused. I am attracted to women in so many different ways. I know that what I feel deeply in my heart and soul, with all my being, is that I am a lesbian. (As much as I detest labels). At the Melbourne May meeting last night, Rev Avril Hannah-Jones discussed about being in the LGBTI community and practicing celebacy. It raised within my mind many questions. Like for example, for me, I have self imposed very solid barriers so as to not even entertain the idea of a relationship or any closeness with a woman. My question now is: should I practice celebacy purely due to the fear, trust and numerous other issues I have within myself so as to not put myself in another 'bad situation'? To come to terms with one's sexual orientation is beyond words for me right now. One step at a time I have been told, by Michelle and Linda:) The May meeting last night was my first step….My `coming-out` will take time & courage, but hey, survival through domestic violence was not that easy either! I have so much more in my head that I want to say…but I think this post has been a bit too long!! Thank you to Michelle and Linda for the support they have given to me so far:) David, from Sydney spoke to me last night about the forums on Freedom 2 Be. Thank you for the advice on reading past posts, David. I am glad I did, or I don't think I would have had the courage to post this today!

Mish x

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
May 19, 2012, 11:44

Hi Mish

Welcome to f2b and thank you for having the courage to share some of your story here. 🙂

You're a very strong person to have endured what you did and to have had the courage to get out. Your poem describes the trap of domestic abuse very well and the disempowerment that keeps people in it. Your ex wore away your defences and what self esteem you had so you were held there. And yet even despite that, you escaped which is to be hugely commended. Good for you! 🙂

f2b is a very supportive community that will accept you where you're at without trying to lead you in one direction or another. Everyone has their own path to take and we're here to support you in that, no matter what your choices, as much as we can.

I'm wondering if you shorten your poem a little or make the line spaces smaller to condense a little and make it easier to read? Sometimes if things are very long or spread out, people don't read to the end and that would be a shame as your story is very valuable. Many will be able to relate with it, I'm sure.

I think this is the start of an exciting new life for you. Congratulations! 🙂


Ann Maree

Sophia Chokhmah
Joined in 2011
May 19, 2012, 14:02

Welcome 🙂

I have to say that once I started reading your poem I was hooked…you have come a long way and show a lot of courage. Well done!

I hope to read more of your posts in the future 🙂

Joined in 2012
May 19, 2012, 15:41

Thank you so much for your replies Ann Maree & Sophia, I really appreciate it. I tried to decrease the spacings between paragraphs etc, as you can see, I failed at that as I am computer illiterate! I can see how far I have come in my journey and even that is a step in the right direction. I look forward to posting on here again.

Mish x

Mother Hen
Joined in 2011
May 19, 2012, 19:30

Hi Mish,

You are an incredibly strong woman. You have showed you are a survivor, with incredible strength and courage to come through what you have been through. Your positive attitude is amazing. Your story will give others who may or have been in a similar situation hope. It doesn't matter how long someone has been in a terrible situation you have shown there is hope and there is so much more for them out there. Just as there are so many more wonderful things for you out there. As Linda and Michelle have said, one step at a time, you have come so far. Enjoy each moment. Be proud of yourself.

Thanks so much for sharing your story, it's takes a great deal of courage and strength to reveal private aspects of your life. Abuse lives and breeds in the dark and silence. You have brought that into the light; you have found your voice and I know you will go from strength to strength.

God bless

Joined in 2008
May 19, 2012, 20:48

You champion :))

I'm so very proud of you taking this step and sharing such a beautiful and powerful poem! I feel a kin to you as I too have many shared experiences 🙁 we look forward to seeing the changes and blessings that lay ahead for you

Warm regards


Joined in 2012
May 20, 2012, 10:34

I cannot believe the wonderful replies that have been returned from my initial post. Just reading these has filled my heart with thanks:) I feel a sense of pride rising deep from within my soul. Many thanks to you Mother Hen and Michelle for your beautiful words. Mish xx

Chapter Leader
Joined in 2008
May 21, 2012, 21:37

Mish – lovely to meet you last Friday. Good that you are finding digging back through the stories is helpful. Can be a bit laborious but well worth the effort. Our journeys are all a bit different, but also many common threads. With help from this wonderful supportive community at freedom2b, I'm sure yours will be rewarding in the end. God bless ~ david

Joined in 2012
May 26, 2012, 15:59

Thank you for taking time to reply to my post David. It was good to have a chat at the last meeting. I find all the stories on her very interesting and moving. Thank you for your support. Hope to see you again. Michelle

Joined in 2010
May 26, 2012, 16:03

Hi Mish,

It was lovely to meet you the other night, even if it was only briefly.

Stay in contact with the group. Ask as many questions as you can. Don't be afraid to be who you are.

Happy to chat if you ever feel the need.

Rev Matt.

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