Why I Went Ex-Gay
by Peterson Toscano
http://www.exgaywatch.com/wp/2011/04/why-on-earth-would-you-go-ex-gay-ex-gay-survivors-reveal-multiple-motivations/
When an ex-gay survivor shares an account of how they tried to change or suppress their orientation or gender non-conforming behavior, some gays and lesbians respond–That’s CRAZY! Why would you ever do something that STUPID!
Indeed, it may seem illogical that intelligent queer folk living in modern times get duped by promises of heterosexuality or vaguer promises of “change.” Some just chalk it up to that Old Time Religion that makes people do silly and self-destructive things. But it’s not that simple.
After spending nearly twenty years deeply entrenched in the ex-gay world, attending multiple Exodus programs, including the Love in Action residential facility for two years, I finally came to my senses and came out of the closet. I then began to ask myself–WHY did you do that to yourself? Why did you let ex-gay ministers and gay reparative therapists tamper with you.
The over arching reason was that I was a Christian and felt that being gay was incompatible with my faith. Strangely, my close reading of the Bible didn’t cause a similar strange reaction in regards to my finances and Biblical justice for the poor. It took time and effort, but I have unearthed several other reasons.
Here’s a selected short list from a much longer one below
* Desire to marry and have children
* Fear of loneliness as I grew old
* HIV/AIDS and other STDs that I assumed I would get if I came out gay
* Misinformation of what it meant to be gay
* The desire to fit in with everyone, to feel “normal”
* Pressure from society through virtually every film, TV show, pop song and commercial proclaiming that the heterosexual life was the idealized norm without showing any alternatives
Longer list
* Image of Wedding Cake CoupleDesire to marry and have children
* Fear of loneliness as I grew old
* AIDS and other STDs that I assumed I would get if I came out gay
* Misinformation of what it meant to be gay
* The desire to fit in with everyone, to feel “normal”
* Pressure from society through virtually every film, TV show, pop song and commercial proclaiming that the heterosexual life was the idealized norm without showing any alternatives
* Negative portrayals of LGBT people in the media
* Fear of physical and verbal attack for being gay
* Witnessing physical and verbal attacks of those who are gay or perceived to be gay
* Photo of Lone TreeDesire to advance in the church hierarchy to become a missionary or pastor
* Desire to please family and friends
* Fear of losing family and friends
* No positive gay role models
* Having furtive sexual encounters causing me distress in a society that punishes sexual “deviance” (while an addiction to credit never seemed to bother me in a society that encouraged debt)
* Unresolved sexual abuse issues that caused me to carry my abuser’s shame with me thus causing me to question my own gay orientation and self-worth
* Low self-esteem
* Self-hatred & internalized homophobia
* Cowardice to stand against the tide and be myself
* Living to please man and not God, bowing to man’s teachings while not actually seeking God about the matter
And the list can still go on and on. For me the faith issue was a convenient cover that distracted me from the many other factors that influenced me to seek change. Similarly some anti-gay Christian folks can use the religious argument to hide behind their own discomfort with the intimcay between two men or two women.
For me it took years to unearth the many reasons why I went ex-gay. Coming to a place of integrity and understand has led me to deal directly with these motivations and find the help I needed to address my true needs.
What about you? What led you to go ex-gay or why do you think some people elect to change or suppress their gay orientation?
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