Young guy just trying to find out who he is

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Joined in 2010
May 11, 2010, 16:14

Well I will start out by introducing myself….Im Brad, Im 20 years old, a University student and im probably one of the very few on this website not from Australia. Im from the United States, from the midwest part of the country to be more exact. I was directed to this site from a friend i met through another Gay Christian Website as another outlet.

Well for my story….I grew up in a very small town(aprox. 3000) on the shores of Lake Michigan in the state of Wisconsin, USA. This is a town settled by dutch immigrants and therefore is a very conservative Reformed Protestant town (Reformed Church of America). Its so conservative religiously that everything in town is closed on Sundays and people will give you stares if you do yard work on Sundays too. There is 5 Protestant churches in town and no bars (which is amazing for the state of Wisconsin, since it is the number one state for binge and underage drinking) becuz it was kicked outta town for wanting to be open on Sunday.

So you can imagine how strict of a religious environment i grew up in. I grew up however in one of the most loving and amazing Christ centered families. My whole extended family is very close. My Grandpa is a pastor, so i have been involved a lot in church for a good chunk of my life. And he is an amazing grandpa too, i always looked up to him. He is a very caring and considerate guy. He even regularly ministers to prisoners at many of the prisons in the state. And both of my parents are active in the church. My best friend is also the son of the pastor at my families church. So i have grown up all my life with hiding this part of myself from all of them.

I was taught that having homosexual desires was wrong all my life. however, i didn’t really start being attracted to other guys until about maybe 5th or 6th grade. But at that age i didn’t give it much thought, I am bisexual by they way. So it was always easier for me to hide since i still did like girls too. but as i got older my curiosity and attraction towards guys got stronger and stronger, and today i can say i lean more towards guys than girls(girls are crazy and complicated lol). Some of you may say this is just me not admitting im 100% gay. but you are wrong. Because i know im attracted to BOTH guys and girls. Anyways….so i was quite sheltered from alot of things in life, i didnt know a single other person who was GLBT until i moved away from home to go to a University 2 hours away in the state capitol (a very liberal city) so i was exposed to alot of different people i had not encountered back in my hometown. Living there changed me as a person…but i transfered a year later to another University in another State. To a liberal arts university in a conservative town, where i currently study now.

I continued on with life thinking i would find an amazing girl, fall in love, and those attractions would be gone….and there were some girls i dated that could have done that, but they are few. As i got older tho, the desires got stronger and i began to fear i would have to battle to hide those feelings all my life, since not in a million years did i consider being with a man for the rest of my life or even consider ever coming out. However God has a different plan. only 2 months ago i met an amazing guy, Mike, who i have fallen in love with. He has changed me alot in these last two months…but he has changed me definitely for the better. He has allowed me to learn alot more about my self. However i still struggle with accepting myself for who i am, and coming to terms with my Christian faith and my homosexuality has become a huge struggle. Since Mike came into my life, i have actually considered spending my life with another man. Which means i would have to come out to my friends and family eventually. which has put alot of stress on an already stressed out University student lol. But the great thing is that Mike is always there for me, however hes not always as physically here as i would like him to be. He lives closer to my hometown, and travels alot for weeks for his job. I am out to no one in my life, no family members, and not a single friend, not even my best friend. and the thought of doing so scares me to death. because i know i will loose almost all of my friends(the guy ones at least) and my parents will never understand….my mother will always try to “fix” me. So i know i will have very few supporters when i actually do come out.

Things lately are becoming a huge struggle. Many days i feel like giving up, and my grades are suffering because of it. Hiding this part of me is beginning to kill me inside and constantly wears me down. I have let very few people here at school become close to me because i fear if i let them come too close, they will find out…so i let people come only so close before i shut them out. which has brought me alot of friends…..but not a single close friend here at my university. and its hard not having someone to turn to. While Mike is always there for me, he can only do so much because he isnt here. I am so afraid of coming out to another person here at school because i fear it will get around campus, and thats not how id like to come out. There also isnt any GLBT groups in this area i am aware of. So not having a support network is extremely tough. which is why i am thankful for sites like this.

I Hope to network with many people on this site, even tho most of you are half way around the world from me, i love getting to know new people, so contact me if you want to talk! 🙂 theres also alot more to my story, but i felt it was getting too long already, so i shortened it up lol, so feel free to ask me anything!

Joined in 2010
May 11, 2010, 16:24

Hey Brad…

Awesome to have you here…

There are some amazing people on here who are so supportive… It really is amazing…


Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
May 11, 2010, 18:02

Welcome welcome welcome……will post more later……just wanted to say hi.

Joined in 2008
May 11, 2010, 21:36

Hi Brad,

Great to have you here on the forum. You are not alone in your situation. Many others have shared stories about being afraid of telling families or friends about their bisexual or same-sex orientation. Feel free to read through some of the experiences of other members who have been through this phase of their life.

We are here to provide support in your journey.

Joined in 2008
May 11, 2010, 22:37

Hey Brad. I’m so happy that you found us here – really I am. 🙂

I’m one of the other non-Australians on this site. I’m 18 years old and Filipino-Canadian. I live in the Philippines currently (as I have for the past 14 or so years) because my parents are missionaries, but I’m leaving next month and eventually I’ll be in Canada for college. The great thing about a site like this is that it’s there for you no matter what side of the world you’re on. 🙂

I can only imagine how difficult life must be for you. I came out to my parents when I was 15, but not because I was so amazingly bold and brave. I did it because I could not tolerate living in the closet anymore. So when I hear about guys who are in their 20s and still haven’t come out… wow… I can only imagine how much pain you must’ve gone through. 🙁 But let me tell you something – it doesn’t have to be this way anymore. We are here for you. 🙂 If you’re okay with it, I’d like to add you on Facebook or Skype so that we could connect more, because I would definitely like to keep in touch with you and help you out.

You are NOT alone. If you don’t believe it, read that sentence over and over again to yourself until you do, because it’s the truth. Truly, you never were alone because God was always, always with you… but now you have a support group that can help you out. And my great hope for you, Brad, would be that one day God and all of us here would be able to strengthen you to the point where you can actually go out and forge a support network for yourself, people who you can meet with in real life who support you. I’ve been really encouraged to see stories of people who didn’t have that when they first came who do have that now. So let me tell you, Brad… you have every reason to be optimistic right now. Keep in touch, Brad. Our desire is to be here for you.


Youth Coordinator
Joined in 2008
May 11, 2010, 23:02

Hey Brad,

Welcome to freedom 2 b[e]. This is such an awesome community and I pretty much owe the fact that I am alive today to this website and the amazing people. 🙂

I can totally relate to what you are feeling and where you are coming from. I was very much feeling the same negative thoughts and emotions before I ‘came out’.

Firstly, let me just say how fantastic it is to hear you have a wonderful boyfriend like Mike. Relationships aren’t easy but if you both love each other than you can definitely make it work.

My heart reaches out to you man especially when you said “Things lately are becoming a huge struggle. Many days i feel like giving up, and my grades are suffering because of it. Hiding this part of me is beginning to kill me inside and constantly wears me down”.

Here is my advice:

  • Firstly give all your worries, fears and reservations over to God. He never leaves your side and he loves you exactly as he made you to be – a bisexual man.

  • The whole ‘coming out’ issue will not go away. Keep praying about this and believe that God will guide you to do this in his time and in the right way. Now you have a boyfriend, it will become harder to keep your sexual orientation a secret.

  • Don’t be afraid to open up to a few trusted friends at College. If they are your real friends then they will love you for who you are…and besides you can always use a good mate.

We are here for you man and I hope you find some support and encouragement from the wonderful people on this site. 🙂


Joined in 2009
May 12, 2010, 14:33


I am so glad that you found this site. We have people from all over the English-speaking world on this site: Europe, Philippines, New Zealand, Japan, as well as Australia. And a lot of international contacts and understanding too- so I don’t think you’ll find us parochial.

I love the way gettingthere writes:

You are NOT alone. If you don’t believe it, read that sentence over and over again to yourself until you do, because it’s the truth.

but he’s absolutely right. And we are here for you.

There are lots of useful stories in this section of the website: gettingthere’s, ben’s, N149’s are all wonderful stories. Read them, not because they will necessarily give you the answers to your dilemma, but because you will see how supported these guys have been as they have interacted with others on this site and God has worked in their lives.

I’m also from a conservative evangelical background (for a long time)- happy to interact with you through here- or other means.


Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
May 12, 2010, 20:31

Hi Brad

It’s great to have you here. 🙂

It sounds like you are concerned about confidentiality if you disclose your sexuality at university. Would there be a counsellor on campus (or nearby) who might be gay friendly that you could share this burden with? Because of professional boundaries and respect for privacy, your confidence would be safe in that context.. and sometimes it’s easier to disclose to a stranger and to work out what you want to do next. Of course it depends if counselling is something you’re comfortable with. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

Keep us posted. Like the guys have said, there’s lots of support and encouraging stories here at f2b.


Ann Maree

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
May 13, 2010, 02:02

hey Brad….I’m baaaack.

How did you find us…..we are getting increasingly know in Australia……and would love to think more are hearing about us in other parts of the world.

Love changes everything doesn’t it.

From my personal experience and from the many gay men I’ve worked with … is frequently falling in love that is the catalyst that jolts them out of denial about their sexual orientation. And age is not a determining factor. Some though have successfully shut down emotional part of their life. But putting the lid on something is no guarantee that one day all the planets, chemicals and triggers might align and the persons finds themselves hopelessly in love for the first time in their lives.

For many…up until the point of falling in love…….we are happy to live with term bi…..assuming that because we have sex with their wives and have sex with men on the side makes us bisexual. For about 90%……they have sex with one woman many times and have sex with many men once. This in itself should be rather telling.

When you really fall in love with another man everything changes. You only want to have sex with him, you want to spend time with him….you may even want to grow old with him. It is at this point we realise that our homosexual orientation is not about behaviour but is far more profound…..and is the very essence of who we are. It is at this time many of us will use the term gay to describe ourselves and the shame and guilt attached to the term begin to disappear. The identity we chose to reject we are now willing to embrace and accept.

Joined in 2010
May 13, 2010, 11:00

Hey guys! thanks for all of your encouragement! i really appreciate it 🙂 to answer your question avennbrown, I was directed to this site by one of your fellow aussies, shan, who was kindly the first to comment on my story haha. i met shan on (Gay Christian Network) which is much like this site but most members there are from the states, canada and mexico.

and again thanks for your responses! i hope to get to know you all better, and feel free to send me a message anytime 🙂

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