Hi khvidd32,

Thanks for sharing some of your story and welcome to freedom2b[e]. I understand the life of a missionary is never easy and I admire your sojourn in the USSR as a messenger of love, hope and faith to other people.

Hope to hear more about your journey.

Sounds like you are back home now, is that right?

Why do you think that God doesn’t listen to you? I think he still adores you just as much as he always did. 🙂

I am so touched by your responses. Thank you so very much. They have been water to a weary soul. Especially thank you to Raul who took the time to write so kindly and tenderly…a response filled with Christ’s love. Thank you.

I am in the Blue Mountains. I am an American with permanent residency in Australia, studying Art Therapy in Penrith. I have been here for almost two years now…the beauty of this country is so amazing and has been a huge blessing in restoring my heart.

There is a part of me that feels perhaps God CANNOT listen to me or love me as much as he used to because I feel I have utterly failed him. I am still talking to him. I tell him everything. But I am exhausted after trying to change myself for so long. I am not trying to change myself anymore but in this new space…I feel so unsure, so isolated, and unable to come to terms with many things.

Thank you again and I am so happy that I found this space.

Karen

Hi Raul

Thanks again.

I feel I failed for lots of reasons.

I tried so hard to be ‘good’ and stayed out of relationships for a long time while in the charismatic church. Then I went to the mission field and while there I realized I could not avoid relationships forever. But in the process I also fell in love with a woman.

This really confused me for years. I couldn’t ‘come out’ because it would mean losing my job as a missionary. And if I lost my job as a missionary…I would have lost the ‘family’ that I had there. Many kids without parents were depending on me.

Eventually, I lost everything anyway…because of political circumstances that didnt allow me to stay in the country and because it became too much for me in the end.

I suppose I carry lots of grief about this. I think I have ‘given up’ in some ways. People do not understand in the church. I cannot be who I am among other christians. And I dont know where to go from here.

I do not feel that I am good at anything anymore basically. And that my purpose in life was cut short.

If I talked to Christian leaders about this they would tell me I had sinned for being in love with a woman and trying to create a ‘family’ that wasn’t in a heterosexual context. And I guess I imagine that they would be very unmerciful about it.

Maybe I believe them to a degree but I dont want to. I wish I could believe that I have purpose again even though I couldnt live up to the standards of the charismatic church.

Thanks so much for listening.

Karen

Hi Karen

Good points, Raul. I very much agree with you.

Karen, you seem to be taking responsibility for things that are not yours to take on.

To love and fall in love are not sins even though many Christian people have wrongly decided that homosexuality is sinful. Please check out the dvd of ‘For the Bible Tells Me So’ for an alternative biblical view that’s in context. There’s also a couple of lengthy articles in our resource section if you want some balanced scriptual views.

I want you to know that there are pastors, Christians and others at this site like mrg, Raul and many more who see us as the beautiful beings we were created to be, not flawed or failures because of our sexualities. There is also the Homosexuality and Religion ABC radio discussion featuring 3 pastors from 100 revs. http://www.freedom2b.org/topic/800. These pastors are from a group of church leaders who regularly march in the mardi gras to show their love for the LGBT community and to say sorry for the wrongdoings of the church.

You seem to be faced with a lot of really major losses. Have you got someone to talk with about these things? Coming to terms with one’s sexuality is a significant journey in itself let alone when you are grieving the loss of a role, purpose, family and country while also dealing with a crisis in faith. And I’m guessing you probably feel quite displaced. Is it only 2 years since you left the former USSR? That’s actually not a long time to adjust to a new place. I know from experience after living in the UK for 6 years. Coming back was like leaving one life behind and starting a new one all over again. And to say the adjustment was hard is an understatement. It took longer than I expected to set up my life here even though I’m Australian born.

Please keep talking with us and reading others’ stories of courage and hope in the ‘Telling Our Stories’ section. Lots of us have dealt with the things you are facing and have come out the other side. You will too even though you’re in a really hard place right now.

Blessings,

Ann Maree