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still-Christian ex-missionary bi woman 35

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khvidd32
 
Joined in 2010
October 15, 2010, 15:12

Thanks to you both for your responses, it is good to feel your support and that others have journeyed to the other side.


I suppose the feeling a being ‘at fault’ is some kind of internalized guilt, leftover from the struggle of trying to be someone that I was not.


Thank you for the suggestions for resources. I am always on the lookout for more information that will genuinely help me come to accept this place of questioning….


I have seen For the Bible Tells Me So…I own a copy 🙂 and it is great.


I have only been back from mission work for about two years, yes, and love Australia…at times do feel ‘displaced’ and restless…I think you are right that I am still adjusting.


Thank you for your support. It is amazing to know that this site exists. I will keep you up to date.


Karen

Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
October 15, 2010, 16:24

Hey Karen……i’d like to add my welcome to this wonderfully supportive and respectful space. I’m glad you feel comfortable and connected here. it is so good when we discover that we are not the only ones who are doing this journey……and many more gone ahead of us.


I relate very much to your sense of failure. I remember when I resigned from the ministry nearly 20 years ago…..i felt like I had failed my wife, my children, God and the church. It took me some years to realise that I was just a human being like everyone else…..imperfect and with flaws. Living openly as a gay man though has given me a level of integrity i had never known before and realise now it was what I was longing for all the time.


It gets better…..believe me.


I remember particularly how for many years I kept beating myself up over a wrong decision I’d made. One day it was like God spoke to me. “I’ve forgiven you. When are you going to forgive yourself realise that is in the past and get on with living. Your constant whining about it is really boring”


I realised that the only thing that was holding me back was me.


Hope that helps

Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
October 23, 2010, 15:01

hi Karen…….if you would like to be updated about our monthly chapter meetings in Sydney you can sign up for newslettters here http://visitor.constantcontact.com/manage/optin/ea?v=001PhdQ1BjzXNRXvX2B5laS2Q%3D%3D


just check the appropriate boxes

Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
October 25, 2010, 14:22

Hi Karen


How’s things going?


Blessings,


Ann Maree

khvidd32
 
Joined in 2010
October 29, 2010, 17:09

Thank you Anthony I signed up for the newsletter and also thank you for your story…it did help…made me think how God is very practical about things in our lives.



khvidd32
 
Joined in 2010
October 29, 2010, 17:12

Hi Ann Maree I am doing okay these days…thanks for checking in…

Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
October 29, 2010, 17:38

Hi Karen


Good to hear. Keep us posted.


Blessings,


Ann Maree

Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
October 30, 2010, 09:44

Hi David


I’m so glad your family members are accepting of your news and you are reaping the much deserved rewards from that. 🙂 🙂 🙂


We all have needs to be safe, accepted, loved and cherished for who we truly are. Finding a space that provides for and nurtures into those needs is crucial for our ongoing growth. A supportive space helps facilitate the process of becoming more of who we are. And regarding your own journey with this, David, it sounds like you are on a positive leg now which is wonderful. 🙂


What the scriptures say in the original Hebrew and Greek languages is definitely NOT what is in the translations in many places and that was a HUGE step for me in reconciling my faith and my sexuality. It was really important to me to do that. I am talking about places where the translators have inserted words into the translations that don’t even exist in the original languages, just to help people be homophobic. That is completely unacceptable.


I couldn’t agree more. It was also a big part of my own healing to realise the mistranslations from the original languages. And it involved not just the words themselves. It was also important for me to cross reference and search out the proper historical and cultural contexts which were not taught from the pulpit. Making these discoveries changed everything in a positive way for me. I realised we were not condemned as we were led to believe. And the scriptures became all the more rich and loving.


Blessings,


Ann Maree

davidt
 
Joined in 2009
October 30, 2010, 12:29

Hi Karen


Your story deeply resonated with me in so many ways. I also was a missionary and even though there was a very large mass movement to the Lord at that time in Indonesia where 1000s were responding to the Lord, I resigned and returned home because I was sure the Baptist church would see me as an unacceptable person because I was gay. I was married then and I still am – 40 years this year. It was a very tough time and coming home was about the hardest thing I have ever done. Everybody’s situation is different and it seems you needed to come home as the result of situations in the country.


For a long time I also carried around a lot of guilt, but as Anthony said, there came a time when I had to put it all down and move on. We are always missionaries, but sometimes the Lord gives us a change of domicile. Even now, I enjoy a good quiet read of Acts 17:16-28, esp v 26 and I just let the Lord really speak to my heart. “and HE determined the exact places where we should live.” For me, the Lord directed me away from Indonesia to minister to the gay community.


Regarding the church and it’s attitude towards us, it can be hard. Only in the last few months, I have started to come out and I never thought I would. For years, I tried just SO hard to keep my two worlds apart and now finally they are coming together. The relief is enormous. So far my family have been very accepting of me. Though very surprised, they have accepted me just as I am and that has meant a tremendous amount.


Some people here have had great experiences coming out in church. Unfortunately that has not been my experience. The Baptist church excludes gays practicing or not as a matter of written policy. I have left the church, but I am discovering all these wonderful fruit of the Spirit like love, joy and best of all a wonderful peace, at long last.


What the scriptures say in the original Hebrew and Greek languages is definitely NOT what is in the translations in many places and that was a HUGE step for me in reconciling my faith and my sexuality. It was really important to me to do that. I am talking about places where the translators have inserted words into the translations that don’t even exist in the original languages, just to help people be homophobic. That is completely unacceptable.


The problem is with the church. It is not with the gay community.


So far I have given a bit of a story of my experiences in the hope they might encourage you. How are you going now? Are things starting to come together for you? I hope so. These sorts of things can take time and often it seems like the Lord is not in any kind of a hurry. He still loves you deeply and has a plan for your life. It comes as a wonderful surprise to learn that the Lord Himself has absolutely no problem with our being gay.


The Lord is still very precious. He really is.
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