So about me then….
Well it started because I was born. Like every life does. I don’t remember much about things before primary school, in fact I don’t remember much throughout primary school also. There is many a reason for that I think but the main factors I believe are this – when I was young all my parents used to do was fight. It’s all I recall them ever doing. Hey, I’m sure there were happy times, but the fact is I just don’t remember them. What I do remember is seeing my father throw my mother up against a wall choking her. This is my most vivid childhood memory. So as you can probably guess I didn’t spend much time at home. I was always out running riot trying to stimulate my mind myself because I knew home wasn’t doing it for me! On these little mini adventures I would discover about me and about life in general, about what it was to be a kid.
Eventually my parents separated. That was inevitable. But it was this time that followed that I feel made me loose my childhood. in just one year I was in and out of 7 schools as my mother moved me and my brother around (my brother and myself were never really close) different houses, different women’s refuges, different towns, different friend. Just when you get used to your friends at school, you were ripped up and moved to another place. Because of this my schooling was wrecked! And because of all the new places we went I had no chance to continue discovering me like I was before because there was no freedom for me to have my mini adventures. The only people I could attach myself to were the friends of my mother because they were the only ones consistent in my life. For about 2 1/2 years this continued before my life settled down a little. It was this repetitive uprooting that I missed the life lesson on how to bond with friends your own age. Heck – I can simply bond with others both older and younger but try and bond with people my own age and I find it tough!! It’s something that hindered me in life but I’ve worked on it so much that I don’t feel it is too much of a problem anymore.
Life settled down for a while. Except for the dead beat boyfriends my mother was collecting along the way. I started seeing my dad again every second weekend and we stopped moving around. my mother met a new friend that worked at a clothing store. she shared her faith with my mum and she got saved. we started attending church but because I was also spending every second weekend with my dad it was alternating between church and Karaoke in pubs (oh what a contrast!). I was also turning into a trouble maker in school but that was because I hadn’t had the basics taught to me. Every teacher assumed that the previous one taught all that I needed to know. The simple fact is that none of them taught me the basics. I had to catch up along the way myself. In 1990 I gave my life to christ. and though I have had rough spots along the way i havent really turned away from those christian roots.
Grade 3 stumbled along and numerous discussions between parent and teacher arose. My own teacher said to my mother that I was a lost cause and that I was never going to be able to be taught. Ouch!
I made it to grade 4 and I met an angel – my grade 4 teacher was new to the game and didn’t see any child as a lost cause. She planted in me life skills that I still value to this day. Things like the bond between freedom and responsibility, cause and effect. Most days I would stay after class to soak in what this wonderful woman could implant in my life. This was the biggest turning point in my life. If this person could believe in me then there was hope after all!! Even today I still think of tracking her down and meet up with her just to say thank you and to give her a little gift because I know she gave me more than anything obtainable! She gave me the ability to believe in myself, to find the person within, to realize there was room in this world for me and I don’t have to stay introverted and quiet because people actually value what I have to say. When that day comes when I do see her again I don’t know exactly what I would say, but there is only so much you can put in words. I think I won’t even be able to get those words out. I think I would need to write it all down and hand it to her on paper just moments before I burst into tears.
From here my life transformed. I was a new person (kind of like being saved haha)! And as this new person was born I got a new home and a new school. This time I didn’t mind moving. It was a new me! I was leaving the old me behind and starting afresh. No old friends to try to keep me in my box. But new faces that embraced me, a fresh reputation. But being only a child and moving to a new place I lost contact with that church and lost that experience of church (i’m still in year 4). Of course I still had to deal with my mothers new boyfriends but I didn’t see that as a real issue. Instead I saw that as my mothers’ problem. I lived my life and she lived hers. I gave her my opinion when she asked for it and she offered hers when I asked for it. But we never felt hurt or betrayed if we never took on board the opinion offered up to us. My pool of friends was able to be opened wide.
When I was in year 4 at my new school one of my friends asked me to come with him to Kids Club. where you get to have fun, food and get to make cool stuff with wood! of course i went along and loved it. Kids club happened to be run by a local church and they invited me to attend their service. I jumped at the idea!
High school was the next frontier for me! And it was one I took head on! I didn’t stay in anyone’s personal little box and in fact I kept growing out of the one I had for me. Within the first year I had everything in the school the way I wanted it! I could get out of class whenever I needed, I setup and was running a christian group during lunch time. I started forming my own mini business within the school, I ran all the productions in the school and I had every head of department eating out of my hands (NO EXAGERATION!!) many people say that high school was a waste of time, and if you mean the study and books side of things I would have to agree! But I used schooling to my advantage! It very much launched me on the career path I’m traveling down now. Sure it doesn’t look the same as it did when I started but hey, you got to start somewhere!
I managed to get my mother to rejoin the church and she also started attending the church I had found. its not too often that a young kid leads their own parent back to God!
I graduated year 2000. I didn’t pass most of my subjects but all the Heads of Departments still passed me and I graduated. But I was scared to leave! I built up so much there! It was 5 years of hard work to get it the way I wanted. And now I was moving on to something that was unknown! Something I had never had to face before!! Life in the BIG world!!
When I left school I got offered a job as a group trainer by the government! I was to train a group of 25 participants in the art of video production. So here is little ole me all of 17 years of age training 25 people with ages ranging from 17 to 57 in something that I knew something about but didn’t have any idea how to communicate it or teach it! I rose to the occasion! I learnt quickly what was required. I got it all down to a fine art and then excelled it even further.
Even at this stage i didnt really have a sexual preference. I didnt even have the raging desire that most teenagers have at that age. weird I know.
I finished doing the group training and I was asked to work for my church in a full time role handling all the internal and external multimedia demands for the church. this lead to many a late night of editing and rendering (if you know anything about video editing you will know this is the worst thing!) so to kill time i would jump online and surf the net. well like many a story goes, one click led to another and i found myself of a night time looking at porn. It started off with straight stuff but as my interest grew i was drawn more and more to gay porn. something about men that just grabbed me. eventually looking at straight porn became a thing of the past and it was at this point that i knew i was gay.
Like every addict, there comes a time that their addiction gets the better of them, and one night i forgot to clear the history on the computer. The next day I got a phone call from the Pastor to come see him about something. I went and met up with him expecting to talk about a project or something technical. To my surprise, the pastor wanted to talk about what i was looking at on the computer the night before. I told him what I had been doing in its entirety. he asked me if i was gay to which i answered that I was. He said that knew long ago that I was (wow – he could of told me cause it was only months ago i found out myself) and because i have admitted that I was I could no longer work for the church but was still welcome to attend the church as a normal member, If i turned up just before the service and left right after it!! This got me really confused!! They can’t have someone working for the church that could be gay but they can still come to the church, But not long enough to talk to anyone or maintain any kind of friendship??? Isn’t that totally double standards?? Or did they just want me there on Sunday so they kept on getting tithes from me!!?? (sorry – mini rant tangent).
So I was out of a job and without a church. because i just couldnt stay there following their list of demands without any offer from them to work through it with me.
I buried myself in my work. I threw my all into it. I shunned away from the church as a whole, But never turned my back on God. I always kept my faith.
But as that space grew inside of me that the church once was, I knew I had to find a return to Gods House.
I already knew the church God wanted me to go to. But the problem was Did they know my situation? Had the church Grape vine speaded that far (as we all know its potential)??? Did they already know I was gay? has my pastor told all the churches, because I know the youth pastor had already started telling his select people.
I started attending on a Sunday to test the waters. chatted to the people I already knew there. I probed and prodded around to see what comments came from where. Luckily for me they all came back negative! I knew I had a place to call my home.
I have changed Jobs a few times since then but everything is still the same at church. Will they ever find out? Most Probably! But honestly, I dont care! I think my new church would be way more accepting then my old one anyway. So I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. Do i want to go shouting it from the roof tops? that isnt what Jesus did.
So… are you asleep yet?? You mean you actually read it all?? MAN!! Talk about being bored!! LOL
One day I just might expand on some of these experiences and enlighten you just that little more.
Have fun people
Ps – yes I did break the 1000 words! Sorry, but my fingers got the better of me.