Well, I have been reading on and off here for a long time, and I know a lot of you already in person. But everyone is telling their story so i will give mine over too. or most of it anyway
Any Questions, I am pretty much an open book so ask away.
So… here goes…
I am 28, grew up in sydney, same Baptist church for my whole life, same christian family for my whole life too, AND, the same God for my whole life. I don’t know that anything bad such as sexual abuse or anything happened to me as a young guy, but to be honest I have heaps of blanks in my memory so cant really be sure…
I have known since as long as i can remember that I have been interested in guys over girls, experimenting with friends and neighbors, cousins other young guys at church even from the age of about 8yo.
Once I got to high school i pretty much suppressed all of that and started a big long spiral downhill into depression. Many thoughts and attempts to kill myself through high school, and this fear hanging over my head of being rejected by everyone and anyone i had anything to do with (although I probably in reality was barely ever rejected).
It wasn’t till about 3 years after finishing school and being in University that i started to explore my sexuality physically again (in other words meeting up with guys from where ever for sex), very unfulfilling. and further tearing me up about who I was.
I had Girlfriends since school, trying to convince myself i was different, and maybe a front to who i really am.
I got a Boyfriend, i was 24yo. I ended up telling my best friend a girl who was also in my bible study, one night after i one of my breakdowns in bible study. for quite a few months i never told anyone else about this and she got more and more upset at me that i was not seeking help and advise and trying to hide it from people.
I end up telling some more people, was told to break it off with my boyfriend. I was also during this time offered a position as the chaplain at Perisher Blue snow fields during the winter season. a position partially funded by the Baptist Union. My pastor told me that as a result of me “struggling” with being gay that he would be writing a letter to the Baptist Union telling them not accept me for the position if i decided to pursue it myself.
From there i have gradually turn away from church and pulled out of a variety of ministries with in that church, I guess i have been there 2 or 3 times over the last 12 months now. Its funny how quickly you drop off peoples radar. it took 6 months for someone from the church leadership to catch up with me. that only happened because they bumped into me.
I am a theologian of sorts, I cant just accept something because i am told it, I need to know for myself and see what God says and understand where it comes from. So i have read a lot about God’s thoughts on this through the bible and many commentaries with opinions for and against.
I could not find for myself the answers, I asked and pleaded with God for many many years “save me from this” and many forms of that cry.
I said to God in the end, I am going to start walking in a different direction, I decided to accept that i am gay and that if this is not what God wanted than he would shut doors and make it clear what my direction should be. This lifted so much weight off my shoulders. I have never felt the freedom that i feel now and i have more purpose and direction that ever before.
I know without any doubt, that God can change me to be straight, he is the all powerful God and can do miracles. but i he hasn’t changed me. I am Gay because that is who he created me to be.
Hmmm what next….