Daughter of an Anglican Minister. Born and raised in Tamworth. Let's say my upbringing of views about sexuality were a little conservative. If you've had a similar experience, I hope my story can help.
In 2008, at the age of 19, I had my first relationship with a girl which lasted a year. I experienced the internal struggle that so many people have talked about in these kind of settings. Every week at Church I felt guilty, it's all I prayed about, and it consumed me. Every sermon that talked about purifying yourself, being Holy, controlling your desires, getting rid of sin, was speaking directly to me, and I can't even count the times I had to hide tears during a service. At this stage I thought my actions were isolated incidents that I could get past with the right sort of discipline, prayer and biblical focus.
In 2010, now 21, I fell for another girl and realised my 'isolated' feelings were a part of who I was as a person. This was an even harder internal struggle. Knowing that I felt a certain way and would continue to feel a certain way but what was most central to who I was, being Christian, was never going to compliment this. That's when I started reading up on verses in the Bible that talk about Homosexuality, finding the original Greek and Hebrew translations, different Scholarly opinions, various interpretations of the verses. I prayed for revelation from God about what to believe and how he wanted me to act. By this time I was in love with this girl and I was sick of not being able to tell everyone about how great she was and how wonderful she made me feel, so in 2011 I started to come out. First to my close friends, then to my close Christian friends and then I was sick of hiding it so I just wanted everybody to know. I built up the courage to have lunch with my minister and told him about the relationship, and that it was something I wanted to continue with. I made this decision because things seemed so black and white – either I had to cut these feelings and actions out completely and be accepted or I could continue with my feelings and be cut off. There was no conversation or discussion and I was sick of hiding who I was so I felt there was only one choice. That's my biggest problem with some of today's Christians, they're not willing to have a loving, open conversation about what the Bible says and let God direct people's hearts during the process. They're too quick to put in their own opinion and tell you how they think you should act, or they silently judge you and avoid it.
Within a week I was stood down from leadership at church (in an urgent email which had undertones of 'quick, we can't have an active homosexual leading in church') – I used to regularly lead the service, I was leader of a music team, I did Sunday School – I was one of their most active members. Actually a year earlier at a similar one-on-one lunch with my minister, he told me that I was one of three people in the church that he appreciated most. And in one email, I was that no more. Strike 1.
Later that year my Bible study leader met up with me to ask me about my views on homosexuality among a few other things. By this time I was taking some time out from the relationship to sort out reconciliation with my Christian faith and my still-confusing sexuality. I was fairly happy to accept that, after spending so much time with God about the issue, acting on these feelings did not feel like the right thing to do, but if someone else had spent time with God working this issue out and come to a different conclusion, I would be happy to accept their choice and support them. I was open about not being 100% about homosexuality in the Bible because I think it's a complicated topic that not even Jesus spoke about. I'm still struggling to find solid answers. My Bible study leader went on to compare me to the 'false teachers' described in 1 Timothy who were 'leading people astray'. He insinuated I was a big reason my Christian friends were struggling with their faith and said he would begin to openly identify me by name. Strike 2.
During both of these strikes I had been part of an evangelic Bible Study group which were a big reason I didn't fall away from my faith and these five Christians were very big 'rocks' in my life. I was really passionate to share my struggle with them but I found out that the aforementioned bible study leader had betrayed my confidence and told my current leaders everything. I held back on telling the group because of this. About 6 months ago (late 2012) the leaders of my group asked to meet up for coffee and it was a very big de ja vu. These guys were extremely lovely and I expected them to ask me about what was going on and encourage me to share my feelings with the group so I could feel supported. I was excited to finally share with these people as they meant so much to me. BUT I could not have been more wrong. They told me that they knew about everything and they thought it was problematic. They said that the Bible was very clear on what it says about homosexuality and that I needed to be on board with these beliefs to continue as part of the group. They gave me a time frame of two weeks to agree with them about it and said that after this time I would no longer be welcomed. I explained that for almost three years I had been reading, praying, researching and listening for God's answers, and my heart was still not in a place to be 100%. I explained that it didn't feel right for me at that time to act on my feelings but I didn't have an answer about whether it was right or wrong. I think it's a personal, Godly decision for individuals to make. Two weeks was not going to change this. I also explained that it was not a gospel issue, therefore it was not important in the scheme of sharing Jesus with others… then after an awkward pause, I left, completely shattered and haven't returned. Strike 3.
One of my favourite quotes is 'Spiritual Identity before Sexual Identity' and this idea fails only too often. My passion for, and faith in, Jesus and the story of the Gospel is so strong and completely clear. I often get told that my passion for evangelism and people in general is inspiring. Shouldn't this trump everything, always? Christians need to learn to have loving conversations, let God change people's hearts and put the spread of the gospel above everything else.
These actions have had detrimental effects on my non-Christian friends, and for Christians with weaker faiths it has turned them away. I hope that my story will not make you bitter towards the imperfections of humans but rather, direct you to the perfection of Christ (as it did for me), who will be your Rock and source of strength. My faith has only grown through this time as God reveals a world of opportunities, to share with others in similar circumstances, and have authority to speak on the topic with Christians and non-Christians alike. It is wonderful that people cannot put me in a box of 'ignorant Christian' when it comes to such an important issue. I also advocate and pray for anyone who has to face a similar journey, that they can come out of it a stronger person, trusting in their Saviour too.
Somewhere in there I forgot to mention the conversation where I told my parents (Anglican Minister and Anglican Minister's Wife). After an initial shock, they have been the greatest people to share my struggles with. They have explained their views but supported me in mine – 'As long as you have been open with God and sought his leadership, we can support you in whatever decision you make, even if it means agreeing to disagree'. They have loved me and prayed for me and defended me passionately against the people in Strikes 1, 2 and 3. They model the way I hope all Christian leaders will approach these situations.
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." – Philippians 4:8-9
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