Hi and thanks for the welcome (thanks to those who replied to my post)
I have found it is very common for those of us who are gay and in churches to throw ourselves into the Lords work/ christian service. This serves two main purposes. Firstly it keeps us busy so we dont have to think about the ‘issue’.
Secondly its a subcouscious way of balancing out the ‘bad’ in us. Getting Kudos from God and others. Balancing out the scales so to speak.
I had written a long reply but ‘putor crashed before saved 🙁
I found this site while searching google for a related topic and recognised AVBs name…so I came in and lurked about a month ago.
I kinda get what your saying about God’s love, gays etc but to be truthful it kinda rattles around in my head and goes no further. I still go to church with my family but feel like a complete fraud.
I think I survived the last couple of years by cultivating a neutral space in my head – my ‘no think’ space. But this also meant that by not thinking I was not resolving anything. oh and it hurts all the time.
By the way I am not blaming my assault for me being gay, that stuff was around for so much longer but the emotional crisis it created (self identity/shame/guilt/ etc) stole all my resources and reserves so I didnt have the enery to fight any more. Counselling was sooo good and i found another great resource that helped me also – (free pdf download) http://www.ecav.health.nsw.gov.au/ecav/pdf/when_a_man_is_rape.pdf
I often think that it would be less traumatic to find out someone had died that to find out your partner of many years was gay.
I came from a divorced family and when I married I really believed it was ’til death. My marriage has been really important to me and my family rely on me both emotionally and economically…how can I now say ‘I’m gay’?
I am stuck in no mans land
George Herbert Clarke – NO MAN’S LAND
No Man’s Land is an eerie sight
At early dawn in the pale gray light.
Never a house and never a hedge
In No Man’s Land from edge to edge,
And never a living soul walks there
To taste the fresh of the morning air; —
Only some lumps of rotting clay,
That were friends or foemen yesterday.
After I posted the above I began to read IanJ’s story. I really appreciate the honesty in the way you all share your stories. I really am hoping for – maybe not a happy ending – but a better resolution. In reading the replies to IanJ’s story I read this quote which blew me away
If you go hungry too long, it changes you. The habit of tension, of resistance as a daily struggle, stains the entire world. The negative virtue of endurance becomes masochistic. You measure your success not on the presence of happiness, but on the absence of temptation, the absence of desire. It is the path of resignation. The horrible thing, the hair turning white overnight thing, is this: it doesn’t work. Resignation is only a part-time coping strategy. If you are still alive, you can only ape death for so long. Your mind can convince your body, for a time, that it feels nothing, that you desire nothing. You can do without want. You can gird your life around with barriers and scarecrows, but want will stroll past your guards and gates. It will happen when you cannot plan for it, predict it, or endure it, and once you want, once you desire, your blood surges and you are alive again. When you live in the desert, you will endlessly crave water. — Susan Smith
OMG there is sooo much amazing stuff here!
(actually I didnt write ‘stuff’ the first time through but thought I should edit my language here ;))