Hi everyone. Some of you may have read my previous background story but as my life has changed dramatically in the last few months, I thought I’d re-post it with a new perspective now that I’ve been involved with Freedom2b[e] on a personal level, particularly after having marched in Mardi Gras in 2011 with F2b.
I’m a 40 year old gay man living in Sydney, Australia. I come from a fundamentalist Christian background. My family used to fellowship with Revival Centres (best described as charismatic Pentecostal but they would hate that label) before leaving for Revival Fellowship after an acrimonious split over doctrine divided the organisation in 1995.
Both fellowships are known for requiring total obedience, compulsory attendance as well as shunning of ex-members and defaulters. Luckily by the time I figured out that I was gay (age 11), my mother had left the church. This meant I was able to accept my feelings and take charge of my sexuality without having to consider what the church may think. By the time I was 14, I was reading Campaign and Outrage (similar to DNA) and had worked out the kind of gay man I wanted grow up to be.
I should point out that I was a ‘gifted child’ and as is often the case with such children, I struggled (still do) to form relationships or to cope with the school environment. I also grew up in a very violent and depraved household and despite my mother being a Christian, I saw things that no child should ever have to see.
Fortunately, the Lord was still working in my life. My mother had met a man in a different town who took us away from all that and I was accepted into a tertiary college in his town, despite me being at least 3 years younger than my classmates and without having done Years 11 and 12. It was around this time that I found a book store with a Gay and Lesbian section and purchased a book called Young, Gay and Proud, which changed my life. By the time I got to start college, at 15, I had come out to my mother and was out and proud from day one of college.
After time however, I did start to realise that although I was having fun, something was missing from my life and I knew that this was God. By accident, I ended up at a Revival Centre meeting with one of my relatives. It was the first time I’d heard the ‘spiritual gifts’ as a adult and I was convicted. I knew I wanted to be part of a fellowship again. I knew I couldn’t tell anyone I was gay or ask about how I can reconcile my sexuality with what I was told the scriptures said. So basically, I convinced myself that the best solution was to bury it.
I told my gay friends that I was not going to be going clubbing any more and that I no longer drank alcohol. Their reaction was along the lines of ‘go on, explore, we’ll be hear when you get back’. I even convinced one of them to come to a meeting but she was put off by the leader declaring that AIDS was God’s punishment.
For the next few years, I threw myself into the fellowship. Virtually all of my spare time was taken up by some sort of church activity but the whole time, the one thing that I longed for was a boyfriend. What time I did have to myself, I would use to catch up with gay friends, go clubbing and meet men, to the point where I was living a double life. I wanted to be the happy gay man I used to be but had been so convinced by the church that if I stopped coming to meetings it was the same as turning my back on God and that I would be punished seven times worse in hell.
Looking back, I think it was this fear that caused me to abandon my plans for finding a partner and took to anonymous contact to satisfy the urges that I got.
Sub-consciously, I believed that if I stumbled on an odd occasion, I could atone for it later but it’s difficult to atone for a relationship where I would be knowingly transgressing on a day to day basis.
As the years went by and I lead my double life, my church friends started partnering up and I would see less and less of them until I noticed that I was getting closer to 30 and my friends were getting younger and younger. It then dawned on me that the only use I was to the fellowship was as a chauffer for other peoples teenage kids. The acceptance I thought I had found was really just based on convenience. With this in mind, I started to withdraw from fellowship. Luckily, I worked away a lot, so this came as a good excuse not to attend meetings.
Eventually, the oversight found out I was gay and when confronted, I took the opportunity to come clean and I was ‘put out’ indefinitely. After 18 months, I was re-instated into the fellowship but in another city. Not long after, I found myself in the same situation. No boyfriend, anonymous contact and going to church pretending to be happy, getting involved before noticing that I have nothing in common with anyone there, was left out of things and pretty much ignored as I’m not part of the inner circle (ie: married).
For the last 12 years, this has gone on until I discovered freedom2b.org and gaychristian.net and GCN. Part of me is grieving for what is nearly 30 years of my life I consider wasted potential but as I am re-discovering the real me that is free to be the man I wanted to be who is able to worship in freedom, I am less inclined to look at my past as ‘wasted’. I now look at it as the trial that I have had to go through to be of use to others out there who are struggling with the same issues I did. Through GCN, I’ve met the most amazing man. Even though we are yet to meet face to face, he has made a real impact on my life and my walk with Jesus. I’ve yet to find a church that preaches what I believe but through F2b, GCN and Crave-MCC, I have met some amazing like-minded individuals who have similar backgrounds to myself, which is a true blessing
I’ve tried to keep my story simple and short. I still attend revival meetings when I feel the need to hear spiritual gifts or to meet up with some of the few amazing individuals who have helped me over the years. Some of you may read this and wonder why I have stayed in this church. Honestly, I think you would have needed to spend time there to truly know why. Others may well identify with this and their own experiences.
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