44 Year Old, ex "Evangelist", out of the closet and moving on....what to tell my teenage boys ?....

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Joined in 2010
July 9, 2010, 17:16

Hi Johnno,

just wondering how you are … and how things are progressing ???

Ian Horner
Joined in 2009
August 5, 2010, 13:56

Hey Johnno,

You are doing the right thing in separating. Not the painless thing, but the right thing. After 29 years of marriage and seven kids and a life in church leadership I had to do the same when I found someone who loved me as I am and I had to decided whether to go for it — or live a lie for the rest of my life and miss out on a life shared with the most beautiful, loving and accepting man I had ever met. That was coming up to seven years ago. Yes I gave up everything for this man and he has given me so much back. Gradually, I am getting back a meaningful relationship with my kids but it is hard and on-going and we are far from out of the woods. My two oldest sons still refuse to speak to me.

It may have been the biggest decision of my life, also the hardest, yes, also the best. I don’t for one second regret it, though I don’t wish the pain on anybody. But, you know, being frightened of pain wil make you frightened of life and love.

Much love to you mate.

Ian (and Dane)


Joined in 2006
August 5, 2010, 20:37

Hi Johnno

firstly welcome to a great internet gathering of like minded/experienced individuals.

I could say alot of what my story/journey was (a man in ministry, a dad, – sole parent who was in ministry with his kids)

but all I will say now

in regards to your kids …

it is great if you can have an amicable relationship with your wife

that was something I unfortunately did not have.

If this helps in dealing with the kids and you can agree on how and when to tell them and the stance you will both take, well that is awesome.

But if it turns out that can not be the case – the bottom line is your relationship with your kids – you and only you know your kids the best – when and how to tell them is your call and no one else’s. Every situation is different.

As to how they react is also very individual.

When I told my kids, they had major faith concerns, because of what they had been taught at the christian school they attended at the time.

I dealt with the kids in the arena of my homosexuality like dealing with the kids with the ‘birds and the bees”. I only talked to them as they asked, and I only answered the exact question they asked. I did not expand on that question because they would not have been able to digest it anyway. On the one occassion I tried to expand on the subject it just went straight over their heads.

I went through the bible, the things I learnt/discovered as I studied as I researched it all for myself (some great resources on this site) and my own reconciliation and Holy Spirit times that really concreted the revelation that God was totally cool with me being gay. Thankfully for me, my kids held me in very high esteem when it came to the bible and God, far above the pastors at church or teachers/chaplain at the school. They saw and heard my heart.

Sure they all had “issues” with the idea of me being with a man, but in time, with alot of love and patience they all came around to be absolutely awesome now, but let me say there were rocky times. But … if you have had a great relationship with your kids, that will shine through any dark times. I promise you that. You will reap what you have sown in good parenting. Whenever and however you tell your kids, they will come back to you in love and more than likely faster and more surprisingly than you may think.

If you are true to yourself and subsequently true to your kids and your exwife than the fruit of that will be awesome blessings of great times with your family.

All the best and my thoughts and prayers are with you.


Joined in 2010
August 7, 2010, 17:26

Hello to all here.

I have not posted any messages on here as I have been been in a dark place for a while. My wife and I are deciding if we can be seperated but live together, at least initially to give eveyone time to adjust to our new situation. She has been amazing and supportive and that is the thing that hurts me the most. She has constantly reminded me that she wants me to be happy and if that means not with her, as hard as that is , then so be it. How can I leave and do that knowing how much it is going to hurt her. She hs come to terms with so much loss and it some how jut doesnt feel right. I have wanted her to be understanding for so long, and now she is being just that!.

We have just returned from our family vacation and once again on the outside look like the happy married couple with 2 great kids, relaxing and enjoying some down time. But privately we were both so sad knowing that this is about to change for ever.

Being on vacation seems to intnesify the feelings of wanting to be with someone who I can make happy and who can make me happy. I know that remaining with my wife will not make me happy, but it kills me that somehow I have to end our family unit as we know it and live with the consequneces of that decesion.

I have not told my boys anything yet, as we want to sort out all the final details so that we can give them a clear picture as to what is happening. I also think it is too much for them to process that I am gay and also might be laving home as well, all in the same breath.

I feel ready to tell them the truth and awnser their questions in bite sized chunks so that they can get thier heads around it, I dont know how they will respond, goodness knows it has taken me long enough to get my head around it!!!!.

Thanks for all the comments I have recieved, they have helped me through this dark time and I know I am doing the painful, but right thing in moving on.

It somehow just seems so tragic and a wste of a family unit.

Joined in 2009
August 8, 2010, 05:22


My heart goes out to you and your wife- and so do my prayers.

You are making such hard decisions- and making them in such a reasonable way. It may seem like a waste now- but I believe you are working at living authentic lives and demonstrating the grace of God to your boys, family and community.

bless you both!


Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
August 8, 2010, 22:38

I think that it is not so much what we do that matters than the way we go about it.

had I my time over again I would have done thing differently…..but alas at that time there was no freedom 2 b[e]…….no one who understood… support mechanisms for me or my wife.

it is different today though…..thank god.

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