I am a 50 yo married man who has battled with same sex yearnings over the years. I became a christian around about 1985 and have become a new creature. This new life was just great a new person (I wouldn’t have to worry about being attracted to men anymore as well as many other things in my life that I wasn’t happy with). I really don’t remember having to worry about it at all. But as happens these times don’t last forever.

Some time later I got married the first years were great ,loved her, enjoyed sex. We had two children (still got them). Over the years the relationship faded (perhaps the honeymoon was over) and I began to find I was looking at men, fanticising about men while making love etc. Wanking using the mirror looking at porn (I used to be more interested in mens bits than the womens)then on the internet I found I could remove the women altogether. The old nature had crept back in.

Now I find that as time goes by I am finding the desire for men harder and harder to resist. I had a um “encounter” with another man recently. My reaction was to feel I had betrayed everything right. Even though I had been standing on the edge for some time. I felt so bad and guilty my reaction was to pray. This brought some relief and made me feel that everything would be ok somehow. But soon the guilt rose and at one point I seriously considered suicide(and not for the first or the second or the third time). I decided to tell my wife what had happened. Which to her credit she took it reasonably well.

I am trying to find a way to accept (maybe justify) my feelings and actions. So I have to look at Gods word. From memory, Jesus said if a man divorces his wife and marries another then he is comitting adultery. Homosexual desire is not a sin. But adultery is and I think I read somewhere ,lying with a man as with a woman. I know of some Christians who have remarried after divorce who seem to be accepted by church God etc yet in reality aren’t they commiting adultery every day (time).

I don’t think God rejects us for our desires or maybe actions but men certinally do. Do they have some right? Does acceptance of homosexuality lead to more accepting it. Lot comes to mind I think the whole town wanted to have sex with the messengers of God.

Big question for me is if we are saved by grace then why do we have to stop sinning?

• To glorify God

• Because he has done so much for me its what I can do for Him

• Because you earn more spirituality and power by keeping yourself clean not sinning .

This has been an issue in my life for some time, because I know that I cannot measure up without Him

For some reason I thought I would read Romans 1 because he seems to talk about it there, but I happened to skip a page or two and found “law verses grace”. Always something that I’ve found hard to grasp

Somewhere in Romans 3-5 “But we have the free gift of being accepted by God even though we are guilty of many sins.” Does this include current sins? can I be myself (same sex attracted )a sinner and God still accepts me as righteous. So can I go out and sin (with men) and God will still accept me. I don’t necessarily think I should because it might hurt others.

So now another question of religion I have. The holier you live and are the more power closeness spiritual you are( which seems to give some people the right to judge others). It doesn’t add up that on one hand God offers grace and the other a reward for obedience to law (whether spiritual or not) or by works.

I think I need to start approaching my christianity through faith and not through obedience to law. Because as I have always felt I cannot achieve Gods favour by obedience to law( simply because I always get tempted to do something wrong). I simply am not good enough I don’t measure up, without Christ’s sacrifice. Tonight I even feel (perhaps as paul) that I have been converted from reliance on the law (that leads to death ) to faith in Christ (and life). And all this because I gave in to my gay desires. Perhaps all things do work together for good.

I am sure that I will still suffer guilt as the devil tries to make me feel unworthy but I must hold on to faith and grace.

Hi Micott….thanks for sharing your story. there are so many of us who are or have been in your situation……myself included. I actually work with people in this area so if you want some one on one help with that then PM me….and I’ll forward you some more info….other wise there are lots of people in this forum who can share thier experience.

One thing i’ve learnt over the years is that a lot of people get their sexual behaviours and sometimes their sexual addiction confused with their sexual orientation. I find myself constantly saying these words to people. My morality is a choice. My sexual orientation however isn’t.

My experience has been (and many others as well) is that the suppression, denial and even hatred of our true gay self is often what causes the problem. During the 22 years i was doing that I developed a sexual addiction. When I came out I didn’t become more promiscuous…….I actually had control for the first time in my life. The freedom was and is wonderful.

For years now as a gay man I’ve lived a moral life. Three years of that was with no sex at all. Currently I am in a monogamous relationship with a man I love dearly.

I wish someone told me this was possible earlier then I wouldn’t have gone through all those years of internal unnecessary torment .

one thing that I found very interesting and have also found is quite a common experience is that by living openly, honestly and authentically as a gay man that the dark, obsessesive and addictive behaviours basically disappeared. it was in bringing my true self into the light that I found freedom

hi loveisnotasin

do you know about http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ozmarriedgays/

one of the guys who comes to F2B runs it.

There is also GAMMA.

its a fantastic group……..not always incredibly active….but when people post they are always worth reading.

can I suggest that you post your story and then see the responses. Tell them I sent you if you like.