50 yo unsure about how i feel

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Joined in 2008
January 3, 2008, 23:30

I am a 50 yo married man who has battled with same sex yearnings over the years. I became a christian around about 1985 and have become a new creature. This new life was just great a new person (I wouldn’t have to worry about being attracted to men anymore as well as many other things in my life that I wasn’t happy with). I really don’t remember having to worry about it at all. But as happens these times don’t last forever.

Some time later I got married the first years were great ,loved her, enjoyed sex. We had two children (still got them). Over the years the relationship faded (perhaps the honeymoon was over) and I began to find I was looking at men, fanticising about men while making love etc. Wanking using the mirror looking at porn (I used to be more interested in mens bits than the womens)then on the internet I found I could remove the women altogether. The old nature had crept back in.

Now I find that as time goes by I am finding the desire for men harder and harder to resist. I had a um “encounter” with another man recently. My reaction was to feel I had betrayed everything right. Even though I had been standing on the edge for some time. I felt so bad and guilty my reaction was to pray. This brought some relief and made me feel that everything would be ok somehow. But soon the guilt rose and at one point I seriously considered suicide(and not for the first or the second or the third time). I decided to tell my wife what had happened. Which to her credit she took it reasonably well.

I am trying to find a way to accept (maybe justify) my feelings and actions. So I have to look at Gods word. From memory, Jesus said if a man divorces his wife and marries another then he is comitting adultery. Homosexual desire is not a sin. But adultery is and I think I read somewhere ,lying with a man as with a woman. I know of some Christians who have remarried after divorce who seem to be accepted by church God etc yet in reality aren’t they commiting adultery every day (time).

I don’t think God rejects us for our desires or maybe actions but men certinally do. Do they have some right? Does acceptance of homosexuality lead to more accepting it. Lot comes to mind I think the whole town wanted to have sex with the messengers of God.

Big question for me is if we are saved by grace then why do we have to stop sinning?

• To glorify God

• Because he has done so much for me its what I can do for Him

• Because you earn more spirituality and power by keeping yourself clean not sinning .

This has been an issue in my life for some time, because I know that I cannot measure up without Him

For some reason I thought I would read Romans 1 because he seems to talk about it there, but I happened to skip a page or two and found “law verses grace”. Always something that I’ve found hard to grasp

Somewhere in Romans 3-5 “But we have the free gift of being accepted by God even though we are guilty of many sins.” Does this include current sins? can I be myself (same sex attracted )a sinner and God still accepts me as righteous. So can I go out and sin (with men) and God will still accept me. I don’t necessarily think I should because it might hurt others.

So now another question of religion I have. The holier you live and are the more power closeness spiritual you are( which seems to give some people the right to judge others). It doesn’t add up that on one hand God offers grace and the other a reward for obedience to law (whether spiritual or not) or by works.

I think I need to start approaching my christianity through faith and not through obedience to law. Because as I have always felt I cannot achieve Gods favour by obedience to law( simply because I always get tempted to do something wrong). I simply am not good enough I don’t measure up, without Christ’s sacrifice. Tonight I even feel (perhaps as paul) that I have been converted from reliance on the law (that leads to death ) to faith in Christ (and life). And all this because I gave in to my gay desires. Perhaps all things do work together for good.

I am sure that I will still suffer guilt as the devil tries to make me feel unworthy but I must hold on to faith and grace.

Joined in 2006
January 4, 2008, 00:17

Welcome to F2B Micott. Thankyou for sharing your story, I am sure you will find some help in our resourses section as well as other posts that address some of the issues you have raised.

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
January 4, 2008, 11:52

Hi Micott….thanks for sharing your story. there are so many of us who are or have been in your situation……myself included. I actually work with people in this area so if you want some one on one help with that then PM me….and I’ll forward you some more info….other wise there are lots of people in this forum who can share thier experience.

One thing i’ve learnt over the years is that a lot of people get their sexual behaviours and sometimes their sexual addiction confused with their sexual orientation. I find myself constantly saying these words to people. My morality is a choice. My sexual orientation however isn’t.

My experience has been (and many others as well) is that the suppression, denial and even hatred of our true gay self is often what causes the problem. During the 22 years i was doing that I developed a sexual addiction. When I came out I didn’t become more promiscuous…….I actually had control for the first time in my life. The freedom was and is wonderful.

For years now as a gay man I’ve lived a moral life. Three years of that was with no sex at all. Currently I am in a monogamous relationship with a man I love dearly.

I wish someone told me this was possible earlier then I wouldn’t have gone through all those years of internal unnecessary torment .

Joined in 2008
August 31, 2008, 19:42

Hello Micott, I can relate somewhat to your story. I have been a spirit filled Christian for 35 years, not that that makes me any more than anyone else. I am married (second Time) and I have known for most of my life I have a desire towards men, although not strongly. I have had prayer and then some for this, and seen lots of others do likewise, never any change did I see.

I suppressed my feelings because of my marriage, and Church teaching until the sex life dried up years ago and i agonised with depression. I prayed to God, and told nobody else. i wanted Gods answer not a counsellor i knew would be biased. I found a website called LibChrist, and links to others and started researching and learning about sexuality and God. I wrestled with the theology and the meaning of this verse and that, and decided to trust Gods Grace to show me his will. I knew I had to have my wife’s permission to fulfill my sexual needs and not be going behind her back while still married to her. I saught a psychologist and sex counsellor and health practitioner, all of whom told me my depression was due to my not having a sex life.

So I told her I didn’t want to cheat on her, and I haven’t resolved the question of divorce, (still haven’t). She agreed that I could explore my bi side (lightly) as she is not happy with my being with another woman, so I did and have done for a couple of years. I feel only freedom and happiness, not guilt. I keep my eyes on God and pray about the situation and I have learnt a lot about freedom in God. With freedom comes responsibility. I have had opportunities to do something she is not happy with or doesn’t know about, but I won’t.

I am still open to God’s direction in my life so who knows which way he will lead.

I have resolved that, if she withdraws her permission for me to be with my bi friend, I will have no option but to amicably seperate for the sake of my health. It would be so much better if my bi mate were a Christian, but maybe I will be used as a witness. Kevin P

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
September 1, 2008, 13:07

one thing that I found very interesting and have also found is quite a common experience is that by living openly, honestly and authentically as a gay man that the dark, obsessesive and addictive behaviours basically disappeared. it was in bringing my true self into the light that I found freedom

Joined in 2008
September 2, 2008, 17:27

Hello Anthony, Maybe this should be a seperate topic, but I relate very well to Micott’s situation, that i thought I’d insert it here. I can relate to what you’re saying. I don’t know of another Pastor I could share this with.

I am married to a woman with very little interest in sex and I don’t feel the justification to divorce. The marriage has been like this for more than half of our 19 years together. She is good to me in other ways, and has given me permission to explore my bi side to alleviate the depression from lack of a sex life. I researched the whole subject of Sexual liberation in God, and got a wide range of opinions so I decided to trust in God’s grace and, with my wife’s permission, find a nice guy I could relate to. It is only because I understand something of God’s grace that I have gone down this path.

Because of my new found freedom, I’m at the stage in my life where I’m still a bit of a loose cannon. I am looking here and there trying to find a fix for my ailing sex life. To categorise myself, I have bi tendancies, but with the right female partner, probably not feel the need to explore my bi side. It is unclear to me what others, even in the Christian gay and lesbian area, feel about a person who is bisexual, even to a slight extent. Exploring this side of ones self necessitates the involvement of more than one partner. There is a usual assumption of immorality from anyone I’ve shared with to date. That is not my intention, merely to find a relationship that is fulfilling and wholesome, but in this search, immorality is almost inevitable at the outset. It is true that the lack of self control, confusion, lust from unsatisfied desire, are all in me in abundance. I am in fellowship but not as often as I need to be. My wife is not born again, although she does attend AOG with me occasionally. I prayed about this and the Spirit showed me clearly a smelting process, and that he could clean away the dross and leave me with pure gold, but how? I know other Christian men in the same situation, although I am unaware if they are bi or gay as well. Am I completely deluded and would you say divorce is a more honourable path here? It feels to me that I would be causing grievous upset to her as she has done nothing to deserve seperation. She is just who she is, but so many guys are stuck in sexless marriages feeling that they are duty bound to remain there.

I’d appreciate any help. There must be an answer. Thank you and God bless your work, Kevin

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
September 26, 2008, 23:24

hi loveisnotasin

do you know about

one of the guys who comes to F2B runs it.

There is also GAMMA.

Joined in 2008
September 27, 2008, 07:07

Thanks for that. I checked it out and I’ll join it. Could clear up the confusion somewhat. Kevin

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
September 27, 2008, 07:23

its a fantastic group……..not always incredibly active….but when people post they are always worth reading.

can I suggest that you post your story and then see the responses. Tell them I sent you if you like.

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