Hi guys, I told myself that this year, I would FINALLY come out to my parents. Its still early in the year but the question is, am I brave enough? Am I strong enough? Am I willing to take the risk of complete rejection? Will the stress, fear and uncertainty cause me to have another seizure? Will my parents (or at least my mother, as I rarely see my father) be able to understand & accept it, or will they go down the "your demon possessed" path? Am I a man or a mouse?

Here is a first attempt letter, I would like to be able to speak to them face to face, but that may prove to be too hard, if anything, at least writing this is a "healing" in its own way, even if I don’t post it or give it to them. I will address it to mum first & then worry about dad later. I probably wont post it but at least I have been able to write (type) it.

Dear Mum,

I am writing to you because I love you, Dad and Johnny and I cannot continue to live a lie. I cannot continue lying to myself and all of those I love. As a Christian it is important that I tell the truth even when it hurts. Writing this is the hardest thing I have ever done, I am already in tears and I have only written a few words. My heart is aching and my hands are shaking, I am scared of your reaction and scared of your rejection.

You have always been there for me, it is because of you that I am here today, you were there when I was a baby struggling to survive, you were there when I had my first seizure and you were there when I had my last. You have been so strong, despite all the hardships and trials you have gone through with Dad, your divorce, the abuse and the pain and worry that I have put you through, with my epilepsy. You have always put my needs ahead of yours. And now I am feeling incredibly scared of what confession, will do to you.

You know I love you, you are not only my mother, but in many ways you are my big sister. I have always been able to come to you with my troubles. You have always comforted me after every seizure, each time dad screamed at me or Johnny. Each time you and Dad fought, you would comfort me despite your own pain. When I went through depression and when my medications made me do all those crazy things, you were the strong one. You were the one who prayed and continued to love me and support me, even though you didn’t understand and at times, were angry and scared.

I have had had many problems over the years, much of which can be attributed, in part to this one issue in my life, this one thing that had held me in bondage, because I have been unable to accept it and deal with it. My prayer is that you will not allow your shock, anger, confusion or the devil to stop you reading this letter to the very end.

Mum I cannot live like this anymore. For as long as I can remember, I have battled with this, I have hated myself for it, I have feared it, I have attempted suicide to get rid of it and most of all, I have feared that you and Dad would reject me for it. And even worse, that God would hate and reject me. When I was 16 or 17 I tried to kill myself and again, when I was older and living with Dad. On both occasions I thought that God hated me, I hated myself and I thought that you and dad would never accept me or forgive me if I told you the truth and even now, I’m uncertain that you will. The difference now is that I am an adult.

Have you ever wondered why almost all of my friends are men? Have you ever wondered why I have never had a girlfriend and have only had a few female friends? Have you wondered why Jessica, Anna, Sophia and Stella are just friends and nothing more? The simple reason is because I am gay. There I said it!

I can imagine that you might be now feeling extremely upset, angry and shocked. This isn’t easy for you, I know, and I am sorry that you have to go through this. If you need time to try to understand what I’m saying and deal with it, I completely understand. You are probably blaming the devil or saying, it is impossible, I cannot be a gay.

Perhaps, the next time I see you, you will refuse to open the door or you will tell me that I am demon possessed and have opened the door to the devil or that I have allowed the spirit of homosexuality and perversion to take hold of my heart. Maybe you will tell me that you don’t ever want to see me again. Maybe you will go into your room, pray and pray, commit this to God and believe that He will set me free. Whatever you do or think, just remember that I love you and that I am still the same loving, caring and quiet Brunski that I was before you read this letter. I have attempted on a few times, to tell you and Dad that I am gay, but on each occasion you both have rejected it, said it was not possible and if I am, then you don’t want to see me again. Dad told me that I would be a disgrace to the family if I am gay and he wants nothing to do with me. So for many years, I have never spoken about it again. I know how you feel about homosexuals, I know you dislike them, maybe even hate them! For almost 30 years, I have prayed and prayed, asked God to make me "normal" and to set me free from my sexual desires. I have been prayed for, time and time again. And each time I would come out from the prayer room believing that I had changed, believing that I was "free" only to find that those same thoughts, desires and attractions were still there. I tried to hide those feelings and kept praying; asking God to make me “normal” like my brother Johnny. I saw a psychiatrist and he gave me drugs, told me I was depressed and had a personality disorder. Dr B told me that often, people who have temporal lobe epilepsy experience sexuality disorders. I wanted to believe him and blame my epilepsy, but it didn't change anything. I went to see a Christian counsellor from Hillsong and later from the Baptist community services. I have seen so many counsellors, psychologists and doctors, but nothing made me "normal" nothing changed. I have been through so many exorcisms; I was sent me the Living Waters sexuality program at Hillsong that only made me feel more guilty. I tried to ignore it, tried to forget it, but no matter how hard I tried or how hard I prayed, nothing changed. When I started going to C Community Church, the same problem followed me, I hated myself even more, at times I wanted to kill myself but I couldn't go through it. I spoke to Pastor Robin a long time ago, he prayed for me, suggested I seek counselling and ask for God's guidance and deliverance. I started going to a different program and support group in S Hill, in secret, but only went a few times and although I was able to control my thoughts and at times, ignore them completely. They remained hidden but they were there never the less. We have never spoken about my sexuality again, Robin and I. I guess he just thinks I have dealt with it or that God has "healed" me from it. In recent months I have wanted to talk to him again, but haven't because he is just too busy.

I know that God wants me to be happy and the only way I can truly be happy is by accepting that I am gay and I think I finally have, but I need your acceptance. I know you will tell me that the bible condemns homosexuality, that God hates the sin of homosexuality, God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve. I know you will tell me that the bible says homosexuals will go to hell. For years, I believed that and for years, I believed that there was no hope for me. But now I know that God loves me, He accepts me and He will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that no matter what my sexuality is, the bible says "Whosoever believes in me will have eternal life". God offers me the free gift of eternal life, He makes no demands on me, He sent His son to die for me and He loves and accepts me as I am. My prayer is that in time, you and Dad will do the same. In time I hope we can sit down calmly and discuss what the Bible really says about homosexuality and I would like to show you a DVD which explains exactly what the Bible says through the eyes of Christian Pastors and a Jewish Rabbi and Jewish Scholars. But that is for a later time, the first step is you coming to terms with what I have shared and hopefully in that process, you will reach the point of accepting and loving your gay son, just as you did before reading this.

Love …

Sorry its LONG …. and pretty heavy stuff. And I probably wont send it anyway … I am a mouse after all 🙁

I was very pleased to read your post. It must have taken you a lot to write that. Good on you.

It is just fine to be gay and Christian. When you decide to send the final draft of your letter, I trust it will go well.

I will be thinking of you.

Davidt

Hi Brunski

I just read your letter out loud to my 20 yr old son, to see what he thought (home early from work due to rain, just in time as I was reading it). Hope you done mind me sharing it with him, as I read I could relate to that very son I was reading it to, saying that Adam n Steve comment to me around 8 yrs ago (just to encourage you,he is now my biggest support of who I am). We both agree that must of been so tough for you to write your letter and you can hear that in your words, which we agree is important to get that across. It hasnt been an easy journey that all and as a mum I would want to know this if it was my son telling me this. Well done in writing your draft, cant see alot that needs changing at all, just a few spelling errors is all I picked up.

Dont know if your mum has access to internet at all, might be good if she does to just mention also there are websites for support she could turn to or organisations she can phone and speak to. Obvious she may not be ready for that intially, although she may want to talk to other parents who have gone through this. In time I hope and pray that she will process this, as her love and support for you sounds strong from your letter.

Hang in there, you are doing so well in planning this step, well I'm sure it feels more like a leap right now. Know that you have friends to support you here, who know the pain and stress your going through in planning this. Have read through your past postings and youve come so far. 🙂

Hugs

Damn you two! You've made me cry again! (who says men don't cry?) thank you both SO MUCH for your love, care and support. It is so much appreciated.

No princess Fiona I dont mind that you shared my letter with your son hopefully, it was a source of encouragement for you both in some way. Mum does have access to the Internet although she rarely uses it and doesn't really know how to use it, other than sending emails. As for telling her that there are support groups and websites that could help her or organisations where she can talk to someone, that is a good idea, but perhaps at a later stage. I know she will reject the idea at first, she wouldn't want to be with other people who are either gay themselves or have a family member who is gay … at least not at first. I think it will take her a very long time to deal with this, she an "old school" Christian who believes straight out that homosexuality is a sin, period! its wrong, evil and against God's created order and His standards …

I really want to send this letter, I really want to get this burden off my chest, I just don't know if I am brave enough or if my parents will be strong enough. My mother, though she is so strong in many ways, she is also very fragile in other ways, like me she is easily hurt, she takes everything to heart and this will be an incredible shock for her, it will crush her but hopefully, she will be able to get up through the rubble.

Thanks Mother Hen, I really do hope that in her response, that she is moved with compassion, empathy and love for her son. I have no doubt she will be angry and upset, she will be in denial and she will tell me that I am no longer welcome in her home … It will be so hard for her, but she is such a loving and caring person that I am almost certain that in time, she will accept and love me regardless. She may "never" accept "that thing" that "act" and that "lifestyle" but she will continue to love me and she will simply refuse to talk about it. Or as I suspect she will pray, pray and pray, she will ask her pastor (we go to different churches) to pray for me and she will probably tell her closest friend and I know the response she will get, "your son is possessed by the "spirit of homosexuality" she is involved in a prayer and deliverance ministry in her church, she often prays with people who are broken or possessed … so she will be convinced that I am also unfortunately, her pastor will only re-enforce that notion 🙁 but I will deal with that when it comes or if it comes.

You said

When my son came out to my husband and I, he wrote a letter too, he handed it to us and sat and waited while we read it. For him that worked out very well. I don'think I could do that, not sure if I could give her the letter and sit and wait. I will be in tears even before she says anything Im sure and she will be in tears, my step dad will be tears, then the fury of an angry mother will come down on me like a tonne of bricks lol if I do give this letter to her, I think I will post it or give it to her as I leave and wait and see what happens next …

Thanks again for your support and kind words. I will let the letter sit with me for a while, see if I decide to make any changes, its quite long … and will let you know how it goes.

By the way my "friend" H said he doesn't want to see me because I am demon possessed and have given into the devil, blah, blah, blah … Im okay with that. 🙂

Hi Brunski

Well done! Excellent effort. 🙂

I have taken the liberty of correcting a few tiny gramatical errors. I also took out some identifying features, changing your name to your username, and abbreviating the name of a church and support group. This is to protect your privacy on this site but you might want the full names included for your Mum's eyes.

I also put the word ' might' in where you say what you expect your mother will be feeling. I appreciate that you know your Mum well (whereas I do not) and expect her to feel shocked and angry by your disclosure. However by using the word 'might', it's a softer stance. You are showing her that it's possible to feel something else more positive rather than directing her to automatically feel 'negative' emotions. It's a small thing but changing it allows for a more open stance rather than locking her into anger, upset and shock. Does that make sense?

I agree with others that suggesting supports at the end for your mother would be very important. Perhaps Mother Hen was thinking you could put her name down as someone your Mum might speak to? I would suggest you check this with Mother Hen first. I'm wondering what other supports the mothers here would suggest you include? PFLAG perhaps with a contact website address and phone number?

I like the mention of the dvd 'For the Bible Tells Me So' (assuming that's the one you were referring to?). I think that would be a great resource for your mother or anyone who's open to watching it.

I wonder too whether you might include some focus on your strengths and the fact that you've met gay Christians who are good and wonderful examples of the faith? If we show others that there are positive things about being gay and are able to be positive ourselves, we give them an example of how to respond positively to us. Your Mum may not even be aware that there are gay people who are Christian. She may only have certain stereotypes in her head that only represent a small number of gay people on the 'scene'.

Anyway, these are just some thoughts of mine that I hope are helpful.

Blessings,

Ann Maree