Afraid of intimacy

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Joined in 2011
October 16, 2013, 20:27

Hello there. Haven't been here for a while, needing some space to myself. Wondering now if that was a bad idea & making things worse. I'm a 37 year old woman & never been in a relationship with man or woman. Because I've been too religious? Or whatever the reason.

I've been getting to know another woman recently. She isn't a Christian but we hit it off right away. Just early days & getting to know each other. And I'm scared out of my brain! I've spent so much time on my own that being close to someone scares me. Always has though. Maybe I will always be on my own.

We had a good chat this arvo & I feel like I scared her off because I want to go so slow. Hard to explain in writing. I just don't feel like I'll ever be comfortable with intimate relationship. I just don't want to be that close. But I don't want to be on my own forever.

Joined in 2009
October 18, 2013, 22:42

Miss Muppett

Throw caution to the wind. I think God wants us all to be whole & happy, and for most people (not all) that does mean having someone special in our lives. That can take many forms, but intimacy is part of our DNA and is not to be shunned. If you have meet someone special, get to know them, share your feelings and hey, cast your net into the deep!

Mother Hen
Joined in 2011
October 19, 2013, 12:26

Hi MIss Muppet,

It's great you have found someone special you are getting close too. I think it's natural to be a bit apprehensive and nervous about being intimate with a new partner especially if it's your first time of being intimate ever. I think it's always best to be open and honest with your partner on these issues. If you explain to her you have never been intimate with anyone before and say you are scared and need to take things slowly. Set some boundaries in place, where you can say stop at any time and your partner will.

You mention that don't feel you will ever be comfortable with intimate relationships and just don't want to be that close. If you feel this is more than just nerves then possibly deeper issues may be at play, then I suggest you think about seeing a counsellor and talking through these issues. As you have said you don't want to be alone for ever, seeking help is an investment in your future relationships 🙂

Thinking of you 🙂

Joined in 2011
October 20, 2013, 23:34

Hi Miss Muppet,

You may remember that your story and mine share a number of similarities. It's good to see you on the forum again 🙂

I too, have never had a partner and never been intimate. I too, have in the past used words like "scared of intimacy".

If you're anything like me, there's a whole lot of stuff wrapped up in how you go about broaching the "never been with anyone topic" with a potential new partner or date. It's awful!! Rather, the thought of it can be awful.

I thought I might share a couple of things that are helping me at the moment. I have been working with a psychologist who uses narrative therapy – I do a lot of writing. She suggests that many of us are prisoners or slaves to the stories we repeat about or to ourselves. We can actually rewrite or re frame those stories. So instead of "I'm dysfunctional,. I have never had a partner" It becomes. "I'm now choosing to explore my sexuality, after over a decade or so of denying it. In your case, rather than "I don't ever think I'll be comfortable being intimate"… maybe you could try some other story out for size. Can you imagine what a different story might sound like?

You don't need to answer these questions on the forum – but it may be worth considering – "What specifically around intimacy am I worried about? I have recently started dating for the first time. I have been fortunate thus far to have met someone with whom I can be upfront about my story and history. I decided to tell her specifically about one of my fears – which happened to be around kissing. (Sounds silly I know). She has assured me that she will now never try to kiss me until I am ready. Just by sharing my fear – it helps take the heat out of it and it becomes a less powerful force.

So, in short – never say never – I too don't want to be alone, would love a partner and am on the precipice of facing the intimacy fear once and for all.

Hang in there – have you talked with a counsellor or therapist about this stuff? That may be helpful too.

I look forward to hearing more of your current journey.


Joined in 2011
October 21, 2013, 19:45

Hi Miss Muppet

I can hear your dilemma- you don't want to be on your own, but you are scared of getting too close. When I face a scary situation I ask myself, what is the worst thing that could happen? And would I be able to survive that if it happened? So think about what would be the worst thing that could happen if you allowed yourself to get close to this woman? What is that you are scared of- of exposing your deepest feelings and then being rejected? Of being known as someone who is in a relationship with another woman- often it is easier to hide your sexuality when you are on your own. Of not being considered attractive or interesting enough by the other person? There are lots of possibilities. Try to work out what it is you are really scared of and then think about how you would deal with this situation. I find most people have the resilience to cope with really bad and scary things and I suspect you do too.

Then think about what might happen if you allowed this relationship to flourish- you may fall in love, you may discover your soul mate, you may end your loneliness, you may discover parts of yourself that you never knew before. Do you want to miss out on all these possibilities just because you are scared?

I too was scared when I first met my partner- scared of rejection, or exposure, of proving unworthy of love. But I took the plunge and it was worth it- I gained so much, I learnt so much. So take a deep breath, feel the fear, but do it anyway!


Joined in 2011
October 23, 2013, 20:26

Thank u so much, each & every one of you. For your encouraging advice & now I have lots to think about & feeling more hopeful.

Amazingly, communication has been the key that has driven us to be where we are right now. We haven't kissed yet. She is happy to wait until I'm ready. But I really really love her company. Abd we're going out to the theatre TOGETHER for the first time this weekend. Excited much!

But a little nervous too. However, I know her a lot more now & feel ready to trust her in this situation.

Such new feelings! I'm really looking fwd to what's ahead. But not moving too quickly. Abd she's happy with that too. Thanks again everyone! Will be in touch about how it goes.

My "coming out" will soon follow…hoping it will all be ok.

Joined in 2011
October 23, 2013, 20:42

Hey Miss.Muppet – have fun this weekend!- so lovely to hear of your excitement.

Let us know how it goes.

Sarab x

Joined in 2011
October 23, 2013, 21:40

Thanks Sarab xo

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
October 25, 2013, 07:13

It's great that you have met someone nice. Enjoy yourself, miss muppet. You deserve that! 🙂


Ann Maree

Joined in 2011
October 27, 2013, 08:41

Hi there. Ok, so I'm feeling really bad right now. Yesterday was good, we went to the beach & enjoyed patches of sun amwaiting? Loved that I had company because I'm used to doing things by myself.

Of course when we got back, she wanted to get more intimate & I froze. It was excruciating for me to be cared for in such a way that she was giving. I noticed her backing right off then. And it left us both depressed. She said she's like me to show her some affection. All I can give right now is a hug.

We've only been getting to know each other for a few weeks. I feel a bit rushed with it all. Am I terrible to keep her waiting for me to catch up?

Not sure what to do now. She is dropping something over to me today, so we'll catch up then. I am frustrating her, she said so. I feel so bad.

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