Afraid of intimacy

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Joined in 2011
October 28, 2013, 22:12

Yep ok. I really wish I had a computer so I could read things easier & file them away. I'll keep reading what you've all said & I know it's helpful.

Have to wait of course to see counsellor.

Have to believe I'm a normal person & this is a normal thing to go through.

Will think on other things tonight. Love your changing channel idea. Good night

Joined in 2011
October 29, 2013, 05:19

Hi Miss Muppet,

Hope you slept ok. The "am I normal" question stuck with me for a long while. It can be quite debilitating. Quite toxic really. So what's "normal"? I have redefined this in my own mind. That doesn't mean we need to settle for a life we don't want – now that is an entirely different matter. My point is this. Try not to let yourself get tripped up with labels, societal views, or negative self talk. Instead, think about what it might mean to live the life you dream of. Keep your eyes and mind on that. What might it mean for you just in this moment to take a tiny step forward? Now – the trick is not to get ahead of yourself. I'm not suggesting you at this stage imagine a wild and crazy sex life:) 🙂 No – instead, start small – maybe this might simply mean allowing yourself to imagine that you could tell your friend something personal – or it might just be that you allow yourself to hold or touch her hand – and see what that's like. But But But – don't make yourself do anything you're uncomfortable with. Above all else, you must feel safe enough to keep stepping forward. If this friend is meant for you – she'll understand that. And… If she doesn't – do not despair. It's all part of your stepping forward process. Believe me… I have lived this stuff – am living this stuff. I feel so much for you – but I'm proud of you for continuing to face your vulnerabilities. Hey – have you ever had a massage? That may be a very grounding thing to do this week. Maybe book in somewhere for a remedial massage – it can help earth you and help you connect with your body – and can really relax you.

Take care – go well – breathe deeply – look out for tiny pleasures in nature or in people or music. We are with you here.

Sarab x

Joined in 2011
October 30, 2013, 12:16

Thanks Sarab. And I really appreciate all the advice given to me. Need to just step fwd a bit at a time & realise I am tired from my recent move, & take care of myself!

I find it so interesting that what is happening in this relationship is very different to what I've ever imagined. Fantasy is so controlled & reality….well I'm shocked to realise how different the 2 are. I've been living my safe little life for so long.

The question I'd like to answer for myself is, what do I really want? What is my desire to be fulfilled in life? Of course in God, your desires are replaced with His. Am I right? I feel like she desires me, more than any other. But my heart desires God first & it's just different.

I feel too old & set in my ways! But I also really appreciate her companionship. And for now I guess that works for us.

Thank u for listening. I'm just talking out loud to try & make sense of how I'm feeling.

Joined in 2011
October 30, 2013, 12:17

And I'm having a massage this arvo Sarab! I booked it a while back. Must have been meant to be 🙂

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
November 4, 2013, 21:31

Hi miss muppet

You said

The question I'd like to answer for myself is, what do I really want? What is my desire to be fulfilled in life? Of course in God, your desires are replaced with His. Am I right? I feel like she desires me, more than any other. But my heart desires God first & it's just different.

In my opinion our desires are not replaced by God's. In the bible it says that God satisfies the desires of our heart so I believe that as we wholeheartedly move toward our passions and embrace life and all that is important to us, these desires are manifested in our lives. It's OK that these two desires feel different to you – I believe they can be different but don't have to be mutually exclusive. Does this lady have a faith or is she open to the fact that your faith is very important to you? Just allow yourself to experience this part of your life as much as you are comfortable doing so while listening to your heart and gut.


Ann Maree

Joined in 2011
December 12, 2013, 10:48

Hello…I'm not sure what to say here now. Our relationship didn't work out. She has found someone else that is more compatible. And at the time I was so angry & annoyed at myself for seemingly making things more complicated than they should have been.

It was a learning experience. I've learnt a lot about myself. Need to learn to like myself better.

I just wasn't ready for a relationship & now I'm looking at other things to balance my life out. Need that first.

Thanks for your encouragement. I know I'm not good at hearing advice & taking it. I guess I've come from a very submissive background & since walking away from it, find it hard to trust people again.

I'd like to let my shield down, even just a little…so I can move fwd. I need to do that or else give up. But I'm not giving up today anyway.

Thank u for your patience with me. I know I can be intensely black & white & sometimes just plain self destructive. And deaf to what others are trying to say to help. I'm sorry.

Hopefully I can keep choosing to make some positive decisions for my life. Here's hoping. xo

Joined in 2013
January 25, 2014, 10:00

G'day Miss Muppet, When I first read your post , it rang a bell or two, but I was not prompted to reply. Now I want to reply with my own experience with intimacy., for what it is worth. When I was a small boy about 8 0r 9 yrs old my elder siblings told me that a girl was coming up to see me. I believed them and hid for hours in an underground air raid shelter. At that age I think some hormones were just starting to surge through my blood stream and like anything new , you don't know how to deal with it.

Fast forward to my early 50 's. I had been cycling about 30 K's every day for a while due to unemployment, and I don't know if this had anything to do with it , but I was able to masturbate with a good masturbator for the first time in my life. What a relief (literally). FOr the first time in my life I was in charge of my sexuality. SEx was no longer a subversive unknown. I had something to give and share with a partner.

So I did. Got married had kids and 20 yrs later I can say I have had a happy , full and fullfilled life. IN between was a disaster. A waste (in a way). So miss Muppet you still have time to have it all. Especially if you were a man, which you are not apparently.

IF you are scientifically minded you can read all about Love and Lust in a recent Scientific American mag "Mind" Nov/Dec 2013 p58

THe left v's right hemisphere and the complicated mix of hormones and neurons that control our love and lust outcomes.Pity these facts were not known when the Bible was written.

Joined in 2011
March 23, 2014, 14:46

Thank u Laz. Thanks for talking about masturbation. I think I understand what you're saying. I still live in hope. And slowly letting my wall down & meeting new people.

I have more questions in this new phase of my life now, that I'll start a new discussion with.

Thanks again

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