Hi myjourney

In regards to Hannah’s comment, I’m guessing she said it out of deep hurt and in her own context which has nothing to do with you. avb will be able to say more about that though.

I don’t think you are selfish at all. You’ve done your very best, as we all have, with the limited knowledge we have/had about sexuality. Many of us have married, either not fully aware of our orientations or believing we could change. That’s not selfish. That’s anything but. That’s someone who believes in the possibility of healing and process and doing the ‘right’ thing, whatever we deem that to be in the moment. Give yourself a break. Hannah’s comment makes it sound like it’s simple and easy when in reality it’s not and usually takes considerable time to work through.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

AVB,

i did, finally, get a chance to read your article. and let me say WOW, right on. but that being said, it has so thrown me into a tailspin. your article is not totally to blame for this. and please let me tell you that i know that there will be MANY MANY ups and downs in this process. the following part is the part i am speaking of …

As my daughter Hannah said recently in an interview on the ABC ‘If you are gay and get married hoping it will change you, then it is a very selfish act as you don’t know what hurt you will create in the generations to come.’

These are very tragic and unnecessary outcomes for all concerned.



The person living with the false hope that one day they will be straight,

The straight partner who is doing everything possible to create the ‘miracle’ and

The children who are anticipating a lifetime of security with a Dad and Mum that will live and love together till death parts them.



Whilst I’m grateful for the years of married life and the lovely children and grandchildren I’ve had, I also have to live with the knowledge that I have been the source of the greatest trauma, pain and shame in the lives of the people I cared most about. Could I have turned back the hands of time I would not have chosen that for them or myself.





OUCH! but at the same time VERY TRUE. i’ve never thought of myself as a selfish person. in fact, i consider myself very selfless and a doormat most days. to hear this was a hard truth and i find myself making excuses and you know what is at the top of the list … MY FAITH. my faith told me that i was wrong. that i could NOT live a gay lifestyle. for this i am mad. mad at the way Christians have portrayed a very loving God. i wish i knew the consequences i would be encountering because of my choice to get married. i am still very much struggling with the issue of whether it is a sin or not. something i probably should have done YEARS ago. and i hope to come to an answer to that question sooner rather than later. but now … i still find myself VERY MUCH CONCERNED about my kids. what is best for them? i made this mess for them how am i to clean it up so that they don’t suffer all that much?

i feel in limbo at the moment. i have emailed Peggy Campolo back and forth a couple times (she is very supportive) and now wait to speak with her and a friend of hers that has gone through this.

some days i just want to give up and this week has been filled with days like that. this week has really beaten me up. I find myself completely beginning to unravel. crumbling. done with this journey. wanting it to be all over. finished … BUT i press on.

Hi myjourney……I think in the context of what Hannah was saying it had more to do with the context of now than what was our experience.

I think for many of us…..I’m assuming that you might be similar to me…….the generation we were brought up in had a huge influence on us along with our christian culture/upbringing. We were conditioned to take a certain path. Did we really have a choice with the ignorance about sexual orientation at that time.

I think our journey of self awareness can be a long one…..ever unfolding.

I remember the time when someone said to me ‘do you love your wife’……my immediate answer was yes.

Over time I realised that I was never actually ‘in love’ with my wife.

A recent revelation was that i was more in love with the idea of being a husband/father = normal.

Was this selfish then to get married. I was functioning with the consciousness I had at the time.

I think the point Hannah was making is that in todays society the only reason a gay or lesbian person might enter a heterosexual marriage is for basically their own need. Hayden Sennitt, who was also interviewed for the program, appeared to want to get married for one reason. So that he could achieve heterosexuality and be accepted by God by ridding himself of his gayness (or as the ex-gay movement calls it ‘unwanted same sex attraction’) . He has chosen a wife to help make that a reality. I think it was interesting to note that he never mentioned the word love in the interview it was always about what he could get out of it to achieve his goal. Sad really for all concerned.

These of course are my assumptions as I know that in these interviews a lot is actually recorded eg 30-45 minutes but only a few grabs end up being aired. Personally I saw a strong message coming through…..and it wasn’t that he had fallen head over heels in love with his wife but that she was a partner with him in this ‘process’.

Does that help?

Hi there all, I thought that I should add some additional comments in here in context of the interview that I did with Dad on ABC. Yes its me!

Ann Maree: I was not commenting out of hurt or pain, but reality. As a child of a gay parent I do stand by the comments that I make. Whether it be in the situation that was experienced by Heyden or others. I don’t think that selfish is the wrong word to use either, because what it refers to is someone who is chiefly concerned with themselves and as coming out is a very personal matter, I think its valid. I do in many ways understand about the struggle of the journey of coming out and I do not want to discount that. But the feelings and journey of the children is as unique as the person coming out.

But to be real and genuine and honest is what it should be. The longer you leave it, the longer the denial, the stronger the pain is for those in your family. Ultimately it would be great to live in a world where there is no pressure to live a life that isn’t yours. But obviously we aren’t quite there yet.

I do not wish upon any family what we went through (although I am grateful for my experience). I wanted to to give a different, and honest, perspective of the journey we go through as children of gay parents. We are just starting our process of understanding at the exact same time that our parents are at their resolution. Its not exactly a workable match initially but the gap closes over time.

I know that all the decisions that you have to make ‘myjourney’ are difficult and only ‘your’ decisions so all I ask is that you consider the children in this and whether the longer you leave it will increase the pain for them. You know your kids best. They love you and will continue to love you. The best advice that I can give is to give them as much time as they need to come to their own resolution. Don’t try to talk to them with an agenda to win them over. Just be who you are. This is what my dad did for me and I believe this is one of the reasons that we have such a great relationship now. That, and also that my mum was SUPER encouraging to continue my relationship with dad. So I was fortunate to have that space from both of them.

As for my comment about who you might hurt for the generations to come I should probably explain this. Firstly, if I could be paid for every strange look, uncomfortable silence and judgemental comment that I have had to endure as the information about my dad being gay had brought, I would be a very rich person. It is something to consider as most of these interactions occurred on Sundays at church, and if your family are church goers and don’t attend a gay friendly church this may also be their experience. This continues to be my experience even to very recently when I attended a Christian womens meeting and was blantantly told “your dad just needs to get saved”, so it still happens.

Obviously as a child there is some hurt associated with finding out all is not as it seems with your parents. Gay or straight. But I have children of my own now. They are being brought up with an understanding that people are who they are. Nothing more, nothing less. Its ok to be straight and its ok to be gay. Be who you are! They love and accept their gay poppy and his friends and their partners. However, not all parents teach their kids the same things. My children attend a Christian school and socialise with Christian families who have a different view on the world than what my husband and I have taught them. They will also have to deal with some of the same narrowmindedness that I have also. Maybe not to the same extent? Who knows? So this is what I mean by the ongoing generational impacts.

My wish in the interview was not to be judgemental of people going through this struggle because I wave the rainbow flag as proudly as anyone in the gay community. But our voice as children is the one less heard admist countless stories that we hear about coming out and the partners left behind. I just wanted to be frank and honest and give a perpective that is real, genuine and ultimately educates those who need to consider this.

I wish to you myjourney the very best of luck and happy to help in anyway that I can if you need me. 🙂

Some wise words there happyprecious

But to be real and genuine and honest is what it should be

We are just starting our process of understanding at the exact same time that our parents are at their resolution. Its not exactly a workable match initially but the gap closes over time.

The best advice that I can give is to give them as much time as they need to come to their own resolution. Don’t try to talk to them with an agenda to win them over. Just be who you are.

But I have children of my own now. They are being brought up with an understanding that people are who they are. Nothing more, nothing less. Its ok to be straight and its ok to be gay. Be who you are! They love and accept their gay poppy and his friends and their partners. However, not all parents teach their kids the same things. My children attend a Christian school and socialise with Christian families who have a different view on the world than what my husband and I have taught them. They will also have to deal with some of the same narrowmindedness that I have also. Maybe not to the same extent? Who knows? So this is what I mean by the ongoing generational impacts.

My wish in the interview was not to be judgemental of people going through this struggle because I wave the rainbow flag as proudly as anyone in the gay community. But our voice as children is the one less heard admist countless stories that we hear about coming out and the partners left behind. I just wanted to be frank and honest and give a perpective that is real, genuine and ultimately educates those who need to consider this.

love your work………I am blessed MWAH!

Hi myjourney316

You sound like such a gracious, sensitive soul and I’m sure these qualities will serve you well when it comes to breaking the news to your family and finding the ‘best’ time. I also wish it wasn’t this hard, both for you, your family and anyone else who has to go through this process.

In the face of all this struggle, it doesn’t seem enough to say that we are here for you in whatever way we can be. Nevertheless, know that we are, and glad to lend any support as you continue on.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

thank you A M. i have truly tried to live by the J O Y theory .. Jesus first, Yourself last and Others inbetween. which makes this whole process so hard. it does make me feel so selfish. but i do also try and live by the analogy of the oxygen masks on the airplane – take care of yourself so that you can take care of others. seems contradictory but what doesn’t these days? lol :Sp

i am so glad to have your encouraging words along this journey. i feel i am putting the needs of others first in all this …and i believe that that is (one of the main reasons) that makes this whole process so dang hard.