Christian Parents - Bad Reactions and what to do?

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Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
April 10, 2008, 22:57

one thing I think we often have to remind ourselves of is that it took most of us years to come to terms with the fact that we were gay or lesbian…….and determine that God loves us just as we are……….it will most likely take parents some time to understand also.

there are things we can do that will either speed up the process or slow it down.

Now what might they be?

lets see how many ‘do’s’ and ‘dont’s’ we can come up with regarding helping Christian parents to come to the same place of acceptance that we have.

I’ll go first

DO: Show them the same non-judgemental, unconditional love we seek from them……even if they can’t.

DON’T: Be impatient and expect them to come to terms with things immediately. It may take years. The important thing is your honesty.

Joined in 2008
April 11, 2008, 01:52

Congratulations William!!! Im so proud of you! I havent checked the other posts yet and this is the first I heard about you comming out to your family. I commend you for taking that step so early on in your life. Even though it may not seem like a big deal now, you are saving your self from so much inner emotional turmoil and heartache by being so honest with yourself. I cant imagine how different my life would have been if I would have taken the steps that you are now when I was your age.

Here is my contribution to the Do’s and Dont’s that Anthony suggested.

Do: Regardless of how much my parents do not support me, I am trying to live my life with my partner just as I would if I were a married man. Staying faithful to him, loving him unconditionaly, staying in my church, trying my best to live a moral existence just as I was raised to be. My hope is that over time, my life will be an example to them and they will eventually see that the only thing that changed in my life, was the sex of my partner.

Dont: Stay quiet! The biggest mistake I made in my life was staying silent and showing no one what I was going through. I fought an inner battle that no one knew about for years. I had no acceptance and support from anyone because nobody knew that I even had a problem I was dealing with. Issolation is the worst enimy you could ever have, especially when you are trying to accept and understand your own sexuality.

Shantih Shantih Shantih
Joined in 2008
April 11, 2008, 19:26

Thanks, John. I am very glad that I’ve taken this step relatively early in my life. Even if I don’t think I’ll ever have a boyfriend/partner, it’s just so liberating not to have to hide anything anymore.

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
April 12, 2008, 08:52

Do know what resources there are for parents to read and any support groups they can go to meet other parents of gays and lesbians. We often feel like we are the only ones…but actually there are 1000’s and 1000’s of people who have walked this path before us. ……………..its just connecting with them

Joined in 2008
April 12, 2008, 16:54

Re-reading that email that your mother sent still freaks me out! It could easily have been writing by my mother, same phrases, vocabulary, use of words everything! Freaky Stuff!

Anyway, it just highlighted to me how hypocritical Christian parents can be at times. Saying that they’ll “do their best” to accept it, do they forget its their SONS and DAUGHTERS they are talking about! The whole thing about being respectful when you are around them, like not being intimate with your partner, or share a bedroom or something – that really annoys me! It’s completely double standards. I have a younger brother whose girlfriend is becoming a permanent fixture in our home unfortunately 😡

They are constantly snogging the face of one another openly much to my disgust and revulsion – i mean im sitting eating my dinner i dont want to see that! But my parents dont bat an eyelid, saying its just a phase! NOW if that was me and a guy there would be PLENTY said about it!

The dinstinct lack of a partner in my life at the moment means it isn[t really an issue for me currently, but it might be in the future, so hope all your parents as well as mine can look through their narrow-mindedness and realise it is their CHILDREN that they are looking at NOT a big pink neon sign flashing GAY!!!!!

Joined in 2006
April 12, 2008, 17:20

Man that must be frustrating Justin with re: your brother. The standards should be the same with all kids in a family but in many cases it isnt so.

In my family none of us show open affection in front of each other with our partners apart from a hug, quick peck or holding hands or such, we were raised that way but my family are accepting of me and Trish so Im fortunate but I still wouldnt snog her in front of them LOL. If my parents or siblings didnt want me in the same room as my partner then I woudnt sleep there or go there often if it was tension filled, it sucks but what can one do. Its frustrating and makes one angry yes but I know heaps of straight people with parents like that too.

Joined in 2008
April 13, 2008, 03:12

Oh, my goodness Justin!! Do I know what your talking about….. Talk about a perfect lead in to this next portion of email my Mom sent me. This is where everything ended, and I just gave up trying to communicate with them further on the issue. Sooooo frustrating…. 😡

We’ll be in touch with you again soon concerning the serious conversation, but you need to be very patient with us. We spend a majority of our time pretty bewildered about your situation, and it’s hard to think about it without being depressed. We love you, and we know you are headed in a dangerous direction, and honestly it scares us to death. Meeting Joe as your partner is going to be very difficult for all the family. It is not going to be the same as feelings we had when we met your brother’s significant others. As much as you want it to be that way, it just won’t. We will be thinking of Joe as your friend, and relating to him as such. Our minds just rebel at the thought of an intimate relationship between the two of you. I’m sorry, but that is the way it is. That probably sounds very hard and close-minded to you, but you will have to refrain from any physical touching and what is now “normal” to you between each other because it would be so uncomfortable for us that it would never work. Let us know if you can be restrained in that way. It will help a lot if you would be willing. I must go for the moment. Gotta hang up the clothes. Hope to hear from you soon. Love you, Mom and Dad

So there you have it. It makes me so angry because they havent even met Joe. They make it sound like were gonna start making out infront of everybody, and spread AIDS to all straight people there!!! LOL!!! 😆 But 😡 😡 😥

Ive just learned to try to be as positive as I can about it. I was depressed for two weeks after I read that last email. Hence my lack of posting on here. I was just to upset.

Joined in 2008
April 13, 2008, 03:48

OMG!!! O!!!M!!!G!!!

This is my Mother!!

It’s such a shame that they can’t accept him the same way they met your “brother’s significant others” – why not? What do they think he is gonna do? Run around mincing like a queen? Screaming “IM GAY IM GAY IM GAY”?? You know we do have some sense and self-discipline!

Grrrrrrr it makes me SOOOO angry!! I understand what AVB is saying about being patient with our parents as we took a while to finally admit and accept our sexuality for ourselves, but i honestly think Christian parents don’t think about the words they are using in front of their gay children. I can TOTALLY understand why you were depressed, I wouldn’t have gotten out of bed for a MONTH at least. I think Christian parents just feel the strong need to enforce their Christian viewpoint and stance, rather than look at the IMPORTANT fact – THIS IS YOUR CHILD YOU ARE TALKING TO!!

The way your mother ended it really made me giggle though as it was TOTALLY my own mother:

I must go for the moment. Gotta hang up the clothes. Hope to hear from you soon. Love you, Mom and Dad

Its as if theyve just been talking about random nonsense in the email and not about something deeply important!!!! WHY can’t we choose our parents!!!! 😆

Much Love



Joined in 2008
April 13, 2008, 04:07

HA!!! 😆

That is so funny!!! I thought I was the only one with a Mom like that! We should have our Mom’s exchange phone numbers so they can talk about thier tragically gay sons!!! LOL!!! 😆 😆

Awww! You so made my day! Good to know Im not the only one with a family like this. 😉

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
April 13, 2008, 09:20

dont forget there is always PFLAG to help parents

…….maybe we need to set up a special branch to help Christian parents.

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