Down the Rabbit hole!
Well I guess I should first let you all know that to fit this within 1000 words I’ve had to omit a fair bit. If anyone does have any questions however, I am always happy to share about my experience further. I’ve also changed a name for privacy reasons.
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I’m from a fantastic family of five, the youngest of three kids, and I guess overall I had a pretty great childhood. I was lucky enough to have both my parents around and had great friends within the Anglican (then later Pentecostal) churches I was involved in.
My childhood however wasn’t without it’s own complications. Around my 10th birthday I was diagnosed with a rare hip disorder known as Perthes Disease. It was this event that led to the following 3 years of my life being spent on crutches and a brief 2 months in plaster from my head to my toe.
It was then that my view of an all loving, caring and miraculous God started to falter. As a child brought up in a Christian family I had a perfect image of what God was. With everyone praying for healing, including church leaders, parents and friends one can only imagine my devastation as year on year past, with no sign of a miracle.
As the years past I got used to my condition and continued down the tumultuous road called life. By age 15, I was involved in singing with the music team as well as the youth groups within the church, I also knew I was gay and was desperately trying to bury my emotions.
The following year I was pre-accepted into a private design college where I studied graphic design. It was during this year that I confided in a close friend Adam (and gay work college to my father) that I was considering leaving not just home but also moving to Melbourne as I was too afraid to come out to my family and friends in the church.
It was that week that I was confronted by my parents. Adam had told my father of my intentions had he had called a ‘gay runway intervention’.
It was during this intervention that my parents raised their concerns about my lifestyle choice, and proceeded to tell me of the ‘real story’ behind why Adam had told them of my intentions. My parents, in tears, told me of Adam’s heartaches as a gay man, the difficulties he had undergone and that if he could have been straight he would have been.
It was then that I committed myself further to the church, youth, music, prayer meetings, courses etc. intent on becoming a changed man and not destroying my life. I spent a year seeing a private councillor in an attempt to discover the reasons for my homosexual feelings with no real progress it was then suggested that I approach Living Waters.
I spent the next year discovering a whole new meaning to the word depression.
Living Waters in their attempt to discover the key element to my ‘brokenness’ had only managed to make me even more aware that there was no ‘brokenness’… I had not been raped, molested, abused, abandoned, not one iota after a year made me think, ‘yeah that’s what caused it’.
This caused my depression to increase… my upbringing led me to believe that I couldn’t be gay and loved by my parents or God. Never the less I continued my commitment to the church and continued being ‘straight’.
I managed to keep this façade up for a number of years before I started living two lives; One where I was straight involved with the church, and another where I was gay. For those who have done this you will know how destructive this can be.
One day I met this delightful young girl called Tina, Tina suddenly made life easier. I had energy, joy, passion and drive in my life once again, all for the small price of $220 per week… Tina or Ice/Crystal Meth started as a smoke every few days, just to keep me going or after a night out partying, but soon became a daily injection or two lasting 2-3 years. I never considered myself suicidal, however there were many times when I shot up and thought… I don’t care if I wake up or not. Looking back I’m very lucky as a number of my friends didn’t make it out the other side, ‘GHB’ overdoses and psychotic outbreaks became like a Facebook update… you expected them everyday.
Then for some reason I woke up one day, looked at who I had become and just said ‘No’… I came out to my parents again and said goodbye to pretty much everyone I knew and at 25 isn’t an easy thing to do. It was the best decision in my life… it was my own decision.
As an ex-junkie I’ve had my rough patches and still do to this very day. I’ve also learnt a lot. I honestly thought my actions had been protecting not only myself, but also my family from a life of destruction… where as I had actually been doing the exact opposite.
Many years later I bumped into Adam and he asked me how things with my family were going, confused I asked why he spoke to my father.
He responded by saying; I spoke to your father, because I didn’t want him to loose you like I did my father when I came out. Adam had had a difficult time yes… but it wasn’t the story I had been led to believe.
As for my faith, God was never the one who condemned my actions or choices it was a just another person… God never asked me to change… again it was just another person.
I’ve been trying to write this for so many years now and I guess I’ve been inspired by a simple phase… “It get’s better’.
I love my job my friends and my family… as hard as life is, I’ve learnt so much and it has got better. (Vomit… it’s so darn corny but true! Lol)
Take care…
xx
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