I thought I would share my story with you all. On Friday I went to the launch of freedom2b in Perth and it was a wonderful experience to see so many other people that either have or are struggling with their faith and sexuality. For so long I thought that I must be, as the Church would put it, a “back slider”. This is a very condensed version of my story…

The Early Years

Growing up it was just myself and Mum. We went to a pentecostal church that started in a hotel in the mid 80’s. I accepted Jesus in my heart and was baptised at a very young age without really knowing or understanding what it was all about. As I started my teenage years, I became aware that something was very different with me compared to the other people I was at school with. However I just couldn’t work out exactly what it was. There were times when I would be sitting in church listening to the sermon thinking that I wasn't doing enough at home to be a Christian. I wasn’t reading the bible that much, I wasn’t having my own praise and worship enough and I was starting to convince myself that I wasn’t going to be a good enough Christian to be accepted into heaven come time of the rapture. No matter how much I tried at home I just couldn’t get into reading the bible and doing my own praise and worship like we were taught to do at church, the times that I tried do it, it only lasted about five minutes and I thought that was enough. The realisation for me that it wasn’t enough was when I would listen to other people talk at church about how they would be able to do it for at least an hour. As I grew older I wanted to make sure that I was at every meeting that the church was open, if it was for Wednesday night meeting for spiritual warfare, Friday nights with the youth groups, Sunday morning and night services. I made sure that I was there as much as I could. I was trying to be the best Christian that I could be.

A Time of Questioning and Depression

By the age of 15 I started to enter into a depression and couldn’t work out what was causing this. One of the things that was hitting the churches at the time is what I refer to as the “Laughing Craze”. I wasn’t laughing like the other people were, the only time I was laughing was because I was laughing at them. When this was happening, I started to question within myself if being slain in the spirit was real, if spiritual warfare was real, if me trembling in church was real and whether I was being ministered to by angels as I was told. By the time that I got my drivers license, I knew that the life in the pentecostal church wasn’t for me. I began to feel that I was missing out, listening to the other kids at school talking about drinking and going clubbing, I started to distance myself from listening to Christian music because I felt that it was no longer serving a purpose in my life. I started listening to worldly music and started drinking underage. I knew that my life was starting to go down another path. I remember that I made the decision not to go to church for a month and see how I would feel, I started to feel a sense of freedom not going to church any more. After I returned a month later, I felt this wasn’t for me any more, this wasn’t the life I wanted. I was very anxious and set myself a time to get up and leave. I looked around the church with this feeling it wasn’t right being there. I got to the point where I couldn’t sit there anymore and I got up and drove home. I made the decision on that day that I was no longer going back to church and then I started to go in my own direction.

The Turning Point

One of the turning points for me in discovering my sexuality was the internet. The more I found on the internet, the more I realised I was gay. I tried some online dating. A guy messaged me from Queensland and said that he would like to meet up. After meeting with the guy from the internet, my life changed for the better and I accepted that I was gay. The church I'd gone to had a very black and white approach to life with strict rules. Over the years I had to do a lot of undoing and healing within myself. Now I am happy with who I am and can’t wait to see what life has in store for me. 🙂

Hi Anne Maree,

I heard about the Website and meeting when I was doing some awesome coaching with Anthony Venn Brown !

Jay

hi jayg…..so good to see you here and thanks for telling your story. its great. So many different journeys…we need to hear them all. Sounds like the faith journey was over before the sexuality journey began. I'd walked away from the church before the Toronto blessing thng hit Australian Pentecostalism. I often wonder how I would have reacted.

Interesting that I know your former pastor in Perth and talk about him in my autobiography. Small world isn't it.

Hi Jay

Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to a lot of what you've been through.

I was also at the Perth launch and am excited by the group's potential. I'm also trying to find an affirming pentecostal church or group in Perth but am not having any luck. Makes me wonder whether to start up something myself, lol.

Lochlan

Quote from Mother Hen on October 11, 2012, 11:45 am

Hi Jayg,

. God is love and accepts and loves you for who you are, never forget that,

Oh I know that so very much 🙂 There is a little snippet from Queer as Folk where they touched on the Ex-Gay programs and there is a bit in there that I love so much which basically says the above, I want to post it but some of the words might offend..