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Ex Pentecostal in Perth My Story...

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jayg
 
Joined in 2012
October 10, 2012, 20:57

I thought I would share my story with you all. On Friday I went to the launch of freedom2b in Perth and it was a wonderful experience to see so many other people that either have or are struggling with their faith and sexuality. For so long I thought that I must be, as the Church would put it, a “back slider”. This is a very condensed version of my story…

The Early Years

Growing up it was just myself and Mum. We went to a pentecostal church that started in a hotel in the mid 80’s. I accepted Jesus in my heart and was baptised at a very young age without really knowing or understanding what it was all about. As I started my teenage years, I became aware that something was very different with me compared to the other people I was at school with. However I just couldn’t work out exactly what it was. There were times when I would be sitting in church listening to the sermon thinking that I wasn't doing enough at home to be a Christian. I wasn’t reading the bible that much, I wasn’t having my own praise and worship enough and I was starting to convince myself that I wasn’t going to be a good enough Christian to be accepted into heaven come time of the rapture. No matter how much I tried at home I just couldn’t get into reading the bible and doing my own praise and worship like we were taught to do at church, the times that I tried do it, it only lasted about five minutes and I thought that was enough. The realisation for me that it wasn’t enough was when I would listen to other people talk at church about how they would be able to do it for at least an hour. As I grew older I wanted to make sure that I was at every meeting that the church was open, if it was for Wednesday night meeting for spiritual warfare, Friday nights with the youth groups, Sunday morning and night services. I made sure that I was there as much as I could. I was trying to be the best Christian that I could be.

A Time of Questioning and Depression

By the age of 15 I started to enter into a depression and couldn’t work out what was causing this. One of the things that was hitting the churches at the time is what I refer to as the “Laughing Craze”. I wasn’t laughing like the other people were, the only time I was laughing was because I was laughing at them. When this was happening, I started to question within myself if being slain in the spirit was real, if spiritual warfare was real, if me trembling in church was real and whether I was being ministered to by angels as I was told. By the time that I got my drivers license, I knew that the life in the pentecostal church wasn’t for me. I began to feel that I was missing out, listening to the other kids at school talking about drinking and going clubbing, I started to distance myself from listening to Christian music because I felt that it was no longer serving a purpose in my life. I started listening to worldly music and started drinking underage. I knew that my life was starting to go down another path. I remember that I made the decision not to go to church for a month and see how I would feel, I started to feel a sense of freedom not going to church any more. After I returned a month later, I felt this wasn’t for me any more, this wasn’t the life I wanted. I was very anxious and set myself a time to get up and leave. I looked around the church with this feeling it wasn’t right being there. I got to the point where I couldn’t sit there anymore and I got up and drove home. I made the decision on that day that I was no longer going back to church and then I started to go in my own direction.

The Turning Point

One of the turning points for me in discovering my sexuality was the internet. The more I found on the internet, the more I realised I was gay. I tried some online dating. A guy messaged me from Queensland and said that he would like to meet up. After meeting with the guy from the internet, my life changed for the better and I accepted that I was gay. The church I'd gone to had a very black and white approach to life with strict rules. Over the years I had to do a lot of undoing and healing within myself. Now I am happy with who I am and can’t wait to see what life has in store for me. 🙂



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
October 10, 2012, 23:15

Hi jayg

Welcome to f2b and thanks for sharing your story! 🙂

How great that you went to the f2b Perth launch. How did you hear about the meeting and this site?

It sounds like you have found what works for you through experience which is often the best teacher. You have also listened to your own inner voice in deciding what's right for you. Good for you! That's all any of us can do. 🙂

I hope you enjoy reading the many stories here from those who have overcome difficulties and managed to reconcile their sexuality with a new sense of self and freedom. 🙂

Blessings,

Ann Maree



jayg
 
Joined in 2012
October 10, 2012, 23:27

Hi Anne Maree,


I heard about the Website and meeting when I was doing some awesome coaching with Anthony Venn Brown !


Jay



HillsBen
Youth Coordinator
Joined in 2008
October 10, 2012, 23:50

Hi Jay,


Welcome to freedom2b. I'm so glad that you had a good time at the Perth launch and hopefully this will be a great opportunity to connect with others who have had similar experiences to you. 🙂


Our stories in many ways are similar. I also became a Christian in a Pentecostal church and believed that I just wasn't good enough. Before I came out, I remember going to church 5 out of 7 days a week and doing as much as I could to try and please God and to distract me from my attraction towards other guys.


I'm still a Christian and still go to church but I can understand you when you said that it wasn't working for you anymore and that you didn't feel comfortable. Many LGBTI people from Church backgrounds feel like this. I find it so upsetting that so many churches are still so unwelcoming and non-inclusive.


Keep me updated with your journey. I'm interested to see what happens next. 🙂


Ben



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
October 11, 2012, 11:43

hi jayg…..so good to see you here and thanks for telling your story. its great. So many different journeys…we need to hear them all. Sounds like the faith journey was over before the sexuality journey began. I'd walked away from the church before the Toronto blessing thng hit Australian Pentecostalism. I often wonder how I would have reacted.

Interesting that I know your former pastor in Perth and talk about him in my autobiography. Small world isn't it.



Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
October 11, 2012, 11:45

Hi Jayg,


Wow how awesome to hear from someone who went to the Perth launch, goes to show it's worth all the time and effort the Perth group have put in, well done to all. 🙂


I like Ben are sadden that the churches aren't as accepting and loving as they should be. The church should be a place where anyone regardless of your sexuality, race, sex etc. can go and feel truly welcomed and accepted. After all that is what Jesus was like, so much for them being "Christ Like"


I learnt a long time ago to separate God and the church. The church these days is full of man made ideas with a thread of God's love, design and purpose running through it. God is love and accepts and loves you for who you are, never forget that,


As you read the many other stories on this site, I hope they bring you comfort, encouragement and hope. 🙂


God Bless



RAAF BLOKE
 
Joined in 2010
October 12, 2012, 10:58

Hi Jay


Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to a lot of what you've been through.


I was also at the Perth launch and am excited by the group's potential. I'm also trying to find an affirming pentecostal church or group in Perth but am not having any luck. Makes me wonder whether to start up something myself, lol.


Lochlan



jayg
 
Joined in 2012
October 14, 2012, 20:49

Quote from avennbrown on October 11, 2012, 11:43 am

Sounds like the faith journey was over before the sexuality journey began. I'd walked away from the church before the Toronto blessing thng hit Australian Pentecostalism. I often wonder how I would have reacted.

Interesting that I know your former pastor in Perth and talk about him in my autobiography. Small world isn't it.


Hi Anthony,


Fortunately I followed my heart and gut and I am glad I followed through with it ! The Torronto blessing was strange for me as I was trying to work out if it was real or if it is was a show… the same could be said for Spritual War Fare as well… it was something I struggled with for quite some time..


It was certainly some interesting times being in the church with the Pastor that we know !



jayg
 
Joined in 2012
October 14, 2012, 20:51

Quote from Mother Hen on October 11, 2012, 11:45 am

Hi Jayg,


. God is love and accepts and loves you for who you are, never forget that,



Oh I know that so very much 🙂 There is a little snippet from Queer as Folk where they touched on the Ex-Gay programs and there is a bit in there that I love so much which basically says the above, I want to post it but some of the words might offend..



jayg
 
Joined in 2012
October 14, 2012, 20:53

Quote from RAAF BLOKE on October 12, 2012, 10:58 am

Hi Jay


Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to a lot of what you've been through.


I was also at the Perth launch and am excited by the group's potential. I'm also trying to find an affirming pentecostal church or group in Perth but am not having any luck. Makes me wonder whether to start up something myself, lol.


Lochlan


Lochlan,


I was sitting at the back on the last row… couldn't believe how many ppl turned up it was just awesome to see so many people there, Why not start something your self ?


Jay


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