As a volunteer forum moderator, and as someone who is going to march in the Mardi Gras Parade for the first time, I thought this might be relevant to our Mardi Gras Theme… 🙂 I had posted my initial story back in 2007 – but I wanted to post an update.
This is the link to my original posting. http://www.freedom2b.org/topic/35
I suppose the one thing that I have found about my journey to being myself – a whole gay christian man – is that it is really a journey. It has never been defined by one moment – but is about a series of sometimes difficult – but mostly wonderful experiences – that it is a story of coming from SHAME TO FREEDOM….
I remember in my 20s when I was trying so hard to live the ‘Straight’ Christian life, and I had meet up with some guy and we had fooled around, I would often be left with a feeling inside that seemed to overwhelm me – feelings of guilt and shame, and negative thoughts about my righteousness and worth. I felt guilty about what I had done, and would go home and have a shower – trying to wash ‘my sin’ away with the shower water. :~
I remember in school studying Shakespeare’s ‘Macbeth’, where after killing the king, Macbeth and his wife went slowly insane with the guilt. They were haunted by their own sins, and they would pretend to be washing their hands clean of the blood that was shed with the murder of the previous king.
In my own way, I thought I saw a parallel in their torment and the wringing of their hands, and my belief that having a shower would help me wash away the stains of my sin. Afterwards, I would try to pray to God – feeling as though he had turned his face away from me – and I felt isolated and alone with this heavy burden. I thought I had betrayed him and the sacrifice of his son, Jesus Christ, on the cross. 😐
By the time, I reached my 30s, I had come a long, painful way to realising that I was gay, and that there was nothing I could do to change it. I wasn’t out to my friends and family. However, over the next few years, that was all about to change.
But as I began to accept my ‘gayness’ and began the slow process of coming out to my friends, I also began to walk away from the church ‘lifestyle’ and ‘values’ and activities that had defined my life for over 25 years. At that point in my life, I could not reconcile being Gay and being Christian.
And while I remained in the closet, I continued to believe that I needed to be ashamed of myself, and was still trying to carefully hide the one side of myself, that was simply bursting at the seams – like a dam that is overflowing at the top of its walls.
By the time, I reached my mid 30s, I had reached another point in my journey – I had begun to come out to all my friends. However, I was not ready to come out to my family. I was socialising with my new gay friends all the time – but hid that they were gay to my family or wouldn’t talk about them or simply wouldn’t introduce them. I even tried to hide the truth about why I was travelling with a friend to Sydney and Melbourne.
It was also about this time, that I read Anthony’s book – “A Life of Unlearning”. I was blown away with the parallels with my own life – not his experience with ministry and marriage – but with the unrelenting conflict between the undercurrent of a gay nature and a set of strong Christian values. Suddenly, I could see another Christian who had successfully made the transition from living a ‘straight’ life to living a life of Freedom and being gay!
Within a matter of 12 months, I got the courage to tell first my sister, and then finally my mother that I was gay. It was no ‘bed of roses’ – but it was for me, the most fantastic thing that I had ever done.
I didn’t have a choice about being ‘Gay’. But I definitely had a choice about being out.
I never regretted ‘coming out’ – in fact, I remember saying to friends, ‘I can’t imagine being in the closet again’ and if someone had offered me a ‘magic pill’ to change my sexuality – I would have chosen to remain ‘Gay’.
However, amongst the joy of ‘coming out’, I had still not reconciled being ‘Gay’ and being ‘Christian’.
This was another part of my journey, and it has taken a few more years to get to a point – about 6 months ago – where I could read the bible without feeling that those verses were simply going to jump off the page, and accuse me of being an ‘abomination to God’; and I could not really pray to God without thinking that he might simply reject my prayer because ‘I was gay’.
Thankfully, I am no longer afraid to read the Bible and pray to GOD. :bigsmile: How did I get there? I suppose some of the credit goes to reading one or two verses from the bible, and getting the right interpretation about the verses that are used to condemn all members of the GLBT community. Understanding his word, helped me to begin to see God in an entirely different light.
I am also marching with FREEDOM2Be this year on March 5. :bigsmile:
Anthony has stated on a few different postings that as you begin to walk down the Mardi Gras Parade route, and the crowds openly show their support, you are changed forever, as all the remaining vestiges of SHAME fall away from you.
I can hardly wait! 😀 :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile:
Anyway, this is my updated story – and it would be wonderful if others want to provide an update to their stories as well. 🙂
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