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ShadowBoxer
Moderator
Joined in 2005
August 15, 2012, 23:13

Gday Tim


everyone has to find their own path – and everyones path is unique


I dont know if what Im about to share will work for you – but maybe some of it will be helpful


I am a Gay man – but my Homosexuality doesnt define me. Its a part of my just like i have brown hair and blue eyes – and its no more remarkable or interesting than either of those.

I dont choose to make it the centre of my life. I have Gay friends and LOVE a good gay romantic comedy – but I have heterosexual friends and The last movies I watched were Godzilla movies (OK they are a BIT camp but not THAT much)


I wrote a bit on a thread here about what the focus of the bible was http://www.freedom2b.org/forums/is-this-way-of-thinking-wrong-t2000/

and I believe that many churches have lost their way. They have become so focused on irrelevant trivia. On single points that they have forgotten the actual message of the bible.

I also learnt a hard lesson many years ago in business. I needed to hire someone to do a job and I could only find one match with the skills I needed and everyone I spoke to said – dont touch that person. People I respected said dont hire that person. However in the end – I had no choice… and that person turned out to AWESOME. I actually eventually tracked down the story and the reason that people had a bad opinion of that person had nothing to do with their work – and in fact someone else had betrayed them.

The moral of that story is people frequently – all the time – make assumptions because someone they respect tell them something is so.


So you said you were leading a sinful and disobedient lifestyle but – thats based on what – what people told you were sins ?

Now some things are clearly sins. Telling a lie is a sin. Being a Hypocrite is a sin.

Interestingly enough – not helping the poor or the sick is clearly a sin. God destroyed a city for that and Jesus tells us you will be eternally damned for the same thing. However – the bible honours prostitutes and others who have sex outside of marriage in several places…. so that would seem to suggest that when it says sexual immorality it DOESNT mean prostitution. People have just assumed that because it was easy. Just as they assumed sodomy meant homosexuality when it probably didnt and they assumed Arsenokoites (the word used in corinthians etc) meant homosexual because they didnt know what it meant – and now we STILL dont know what it means – but we know a man and his wife can do it – so its not homosexuality what ever it is – and when terms like immorality are used – be very careful about what they really mean. People Define them to mean what they want them to mean – but that doesnt mean it what God meant. Always take a lot of time over those words and remember – if Gods saying something important – he usually says it several diffferent ways. So you can find validation.

A really good example is where Jesus says do not Judge – and then he says the SAME THING in a different way to make it clear what he is saying – cast the beam out of your eye before you worry about the speck in your neighbours eye. If you cant find the same concept said differently elsewhere – you know you are interpreting it wrongly.


So what Im saying is that the churches spend all this time telling people things. Some of them are myths that have developed over time or are things they are convenient to tell people – or are just what people WANT to hear – like ALL sex outside marriage is a sin.


So What may be useful for you is to wander through the gospels and read the commands that Jesus gave us – he was after all God made Flesh and see what he actually told us to do. Not what someone else is saying is a sin for you to do – but just read it through yourself….

and also see what things he says to do multiple times – because I would suggest they are probably the things he thinks are more important.

and the things he doesnt mention (like homosexuality) I think are the things he probably thinks are much less important or possibly arent sins at all. At any rate – Im happy to obey his command and to not judge others and to just try to live they way he told us to and not worry about the things he didnt tell me to worry about.

So – I would worry about the things Jesus worried about….. Not about the things that some man has decided is important.


Because when it comes down to it – its what Jesus said that matters and it doesnt matter if 20000 ministers say that eating cherry ripes on a tuesday are a sin. Thats not going to alter Gods opinion of Cherry Ripe eating one bit. But if you dont look after the poor and the sick (for example) or you Judge your neighbour – then you are ignoring commands we were clearly given – and that DOES matter.


I hope that does help

J
 
Joined in 2012
August 17, 2012, 08:02

Hey Tim, I hope everything is well. I just re-read your post 😀

Firstly, you’re pretty courageous being out in high school. That is one thing I never would have done simply because I was bullied enough at school and that would have definitely driven me over the edge, so that takes a heck of a lot of courage man – much, much respect.

It is really hard to have one or both parents that say on one hand ‘I support you’ but then say ‘You can still change’ on the other. To me that is sending mixed messages (in fact almost exactly what ex-gay programs instil in people’s minds) and I don’t know how you have coped with this – my heart really goes out to you. When I came out to my mum and dad on the 4th of July this year, my dad was fine with it, but my mum was bursting into tears saying things like ‘I knew it’ in a tone I couldn’t quite figure out, and I will never be able to get that image out of my head. Heck I even remember the exact times they found out I was gay. Dad at 7:15am, and Mum at 9:27am.

I didn’t realise though that for the almost 10 years it had taken me coming to terms with who I am, they had only just found out, and they themselves needed some time. I think it's helped to provide them with links and support groups to look at, like PFLAG and the f2b ‘Straight Friends, Family and Supporters’ forum, along with ‘it gets better’ videos, ‘coming out’ videos and movies like ‘Prayers for Bobby’. Hopefully your Dad comes around full circle and realises that being gay isn’t a choice, you can’t change who you are, and it is vital he knows that.

I think it’s important that parents understand everything that’s going on and that the way you’re feeling is perfectly normal.

Secondly, I personally haven’t been involved in ex-gay programs, and am glad I haven’t as I can see how destructive they are. I think HillsBen may be the best person to talk to about this as he has been through it all.

I can relate to what you mean though about losing your faith in Jesus. For almost 10 years I was extremely angry. I was angry at churches for condemning homosexuality, because they were talking about ME. I was angry at those with their ‘god hates fags’ signs. Everything about my faith screamed hypocrisy, hatred, intolerance and injustice. I thought for sure this wasn’t the God that I grew up believing in.

For years no matter how much I prayed I wasn’t getting answers from God as to why I felt this way either, and I was suicidally depressed and frustrated at His silence. Every time I went to church I was seething like a snake from sheer hatred towards people who treated the LGBTI community the way they did. I was supposed to be accepted at church, not disregarded.

Now for years my parents shouted homophobic slurs. They couldn’t last one day without hurling an insult. It hurt me because they were talking about ME. I figured, why not, the world hates me, even my own damn parents, there is no hope and God is ignoring me – great.

It wasn’t until one night my parents said something really homophobic and offensive about this guy and his boyfriend on MasterChef. I snapped. I went to my computer and started doing research for myself on homosexuality, trying to find my faith in it all, watching ‘it gets better’ videos and reading coming out letters to make my own letter. I had enough of their hurtful words and came out to them a few days later on the 4th of July (I marked it in my mind as it is a day of celebrating yourself, and Katy Perry’s ‘Fireworks’ video spoke of the 4th of July and it inspired me to finally do something).

I came across Ben Gresham’s ‘Just As I Am’ blog. I read a ton and then discovered the f2b forums, so I checked that out and joined the night before coming out to my parents. I am grateful to have come across his blog as it has changed my life. With all the help and support, I also heard about Rob Buckingham and his ‘Real Christianity Is Accepting’ videos which helped my mum tremendously.

There are so many great people and resources on f2b, and I think the best thing to do is arm yourself with knowledge and resources when you’re feeling down. It has helped me become stronger and more self accepting.

After I came out to my parents this massive burden lifted. I felt at peace, and liberated. I had this feeling as though God loved me for who I am, and it was His strength which finally made me snap (and it takes a lot for me to snap). If I didn’t come out then, I honestly wouldn’t be alive in the following years, and it would have led my parents to millions of questions and hurt.

Over the following weeks of being on f2b, I realised it wasn’t God that hated me. It was, for the most part, a problem coming from some in our society. Perhaps it is the lack of understanding also, which governments can be partially to blame for. I realised that for all the churches that still condemn gay people, there is still hope. There are a few churches who accept EVERYONE, just as God & Jesus does.

I have an uncle who was really faithful to God but then something happened at church and everyone shunned him. Ever since then he’s really hated God, and I can understand because I too have been there, but it wasn’t God that was to blame, it was the ignorant and intolerant people who, to me, didn’t understand at all. I suppose it’s like what the pastor said in the Prayers for Bobby movie. ‘Sometimes to question your faith helps you find a deeper faith’.

If you ever need to vent or ask any questions, please make a thread about it. We're here to help, and there's nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Keep strong Tim,

~Jordan

HillsBen
Youth Coordinator
Joined in 2008
August 17, 2012, 14:28

Hi Tim,


Welcome to freedom2b! This is an amazing place to explore what you have been through in the past and what you are currently going through in reconciling your faith and sexuality.


I was a similar age (16) when I first went through Door of Hope. I remember the feelings of hopelessness, despair and shame. It took me a long time to realise that I was created this way (as a gay man) by God and that he loved me exactly as I was – there was nothing broken that needed fixing.


You were brave to come out in high school. That was something that I could never do. It also sounds like your Dad has good intentions when he said “I support you” but didn’t realise the impacts of his words when he said “you can always change”. I’ve met lots and lots of people and not one person I’ve met has become heterosexual.


We can certainly change our behaviours if we choose, but our attraction to the same sex is something I believe is hard wired and something we are born with. Anthony Venn-Brown sums up this well in this quote – “My morality is a choice. My sexual orientation is not”.


I’m sure you have lots of questions and I think that this is a great space to explore them. You could also come to one of our Chapter meetings or a youth event when you feel comfortable. There are lots of wonderful people there who have gone through similar things. 🙂


If you have time, check out my blog where I talk about my experiences in the Door of Hope Course at: http://www.bennygresham.blogspot.com


Another link: http://media.brisbanetimes.com.au/entertainment/entertainment-news/i-am-gay-god-still-loves-me-3190913.html


Blessings,

Ben

TeeSte
 
Joined in 2012
August 17, 2012, 22:01

Hi Ben,

Thanks heaps, I'm really finding the forums such a great resource for answering questions I have.

Your blog is fantastic and I've found it so inspirational.

I can't wait to go further into my relationship with God as I learn to accept myself as He does.

Tim

Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
August 17, 2012, 23:25

I thought you'd feel at home here Tim

BIG SMILE

Amila
 
Joined in 2012
September 4, 2012, 21:40

Hey Tim,


First of all welcome to F2B… im a rather newbie here too… but i can assure you that you will find much support and much needed resourced through the wonderful people on this site… God has really blessed my life through them… Keep loving Him and loving yourself…


God Bless you brother

Amila 🙂

Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
September 5, 2012, 10:36

Hi Tim,


Welcome from me to, F2B is such a wonderful amazing group of people. This is a safe place to find encouragement and support.


God Bless

TeeSte
 
Joined in 2012
September 5, 2012, 23:13

Thanks to you both Amila and MotherHen. Everyone online has been so great and helpful.

TeeSte
 
Joined in 2012
November 5, 2012, 12:55

.

Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
November 5, 2012, 19:47

Hi Tee

Congratulations on discovering who you are and starting the process of self acceptance. 🙂

I fully encourage you to find some counselling (if not engaged in it already). Let me know by PM if you need help finding a suitable counsellor and I can make some suggestions.

Keep us posted. We are here for you. 🙂

Blessings,

Ann Maree
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