New Christian / New Love
I was an aspiring and “on fire” 20 year newly converted young woman at the then called “Christian Centre” led by Phil Pringle. No-one knew of my struggle to get “Sally” (name changed) out of my mind and heart, someone I had met only days before my dramatic conversion to Christianity.
I was involved in every conceivable part of church life. I loved God, I aspired to the ministry. I attended full-time ministry training college and worked on church staff part-time. But while my love for God and the church intensified, so did my feelings for Sally. The guilt tormented me to the point of near-breakdown and without remembering much about how I got there, I found myself in a newly appointed pastor’s office crying my heart out, confessing all. Before long, after a breached confidence, I was called into the office and questioned about Sally. I was horrified, felt betrayed and sick to the stomach.
Torment of guilt
For the next 12 or so months I was prayed for, counselled, underwent degrading mini ‘exorcisms’ but at no time helped. Sally was told she was of the devil and had to leave me alone. I eventually broke down and left. All without a word from Phil, other than “I don’t quite know what happened to her”. Such compassion and loyalty. I was angry.
Sally and I moved into together. I was very deeply in love with her, but the guilt never subsided. Occasionally I would attempt to return to Christian City Church or find a church home elsewhere, but it was a re-occurring pattern and before long, a nervous wreck, I’d leave.
About this time I found a church at Petersham and on my first shaky attempt at staying for an entire evening service, a prophesy from the senior minister shook me to the bone. It detailed my struggle and left me numb. As I summoned up the courage to tell him my story, he cried and showed me, for the first time, the caring, compassionate and loving heart of the ministry.
For many many years that followed I tried to become part of this church family but through a pattern of trying, and failing, I finally, for my own sanity, withdrew. This pastor never gave up on me and grew to care deeply for both myself and Sally. Several years later, he left for a new church in QLD. I was devastated.
Some time after, attempts were made to find at home at Hillsong, but the pattern of initial excitement was once again followed by guilt and self-hate and I’d leave. This cycle – all up – 20 years ! Neither Sally or I could have ever imagined what would happen next.
My attempt at life without Sally …
I met a man through a shared interest who was intensively sensitive. I felt safe to share my story with him – he too cried. Instantly I felt understood and poured my heart out as I craved an independent voice to hear and once again support me. That support was misguided and before long it changed into exhortations of “you’re not gay” along with advances that I struggled to understand. I turned to my ex-Pastor who instantly saw this as an answer to his prayers and a sign from God. With these two powerful men encouraging me to accept my natural god-given calling to be in a heterosexual relationship, I left Sally and in doing so, tore both our worlds apart.
For the next year and a half, my world collapsed. Sally had cut me off and was in deep pain. The new relationship became emotionally abusive as I could not let go of Sally, nor could I cope with the justifications and accusations that came my way daily as a result. My drinking had got way out of hand. A doctor saw me weekly, had me on extremely high doses of antidepressants and sent me to a counsellor who basically advised me for my own mental health to leave this relationship. I I eventually packed my bags and left. I was relieved.
Home to Sally
Sally in the end, through my persistent pleas, finally summonsed the courage to take me back. She was hurt and scared – but she gave me the second chance that gave me back my life. We don’t talk what happened – there’s too much pain. This year, we celebrate 25 years together – we don’t acknowledge the year apart.
Where I’m at today
My relationship with my ex-pastor has faded. I feel his disappointment, although he acknowledged in the end the destructiveness of the relationship he had initially thought was of God.
I have found peace with myself and with that a genuine, heart-felt and intense love for the LGBT community. This was not something I intentionally set out to change in my mindset, it just happened. The judgement I once held has been replaced by a deep love and sense of belonging. I am now, for the first time, at the ripe old age of 45 – free.
My gorgeous Sally has stuck by me through thick and thin, the year apart we have chosen to put behind us, it’s not talked about, but somehow has brought us to a deeper sense of belongingness and there is no doubt that our life from here on in will be richer and deeper as a result. I thank God daily for her. My peace with my God is now my own – my guilt is no longer.
My anger with the Church for the abuse and torment at the worst, lack of understanding and judgement at the best has abated a little, but is still there. While I miss the rich worship and sense of awe that I so often felt in Pentecostal churches, it will be quite some time before I can walk back into one again. My life now is about enriching the life of my beautiful girlfriend, spending time with my accepting family, living freely in my own skin and being part of this beautiful and diverse community.
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