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GM 50--Preacher's kid who learned to accept those who don't accept him

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straight-friendly
 
Joined in 2008
January 19, 2010, 09:05

My Pentecostal roots run deep. My dad’s parents and mom’s mother received the Holy Spirit in 1920’s Alabama, where “the movement” was largely confined to backwoods camp meetings. They suffered tremendous ridicule from family and friends. My mom’s father so fiercely opposed “holy-rollers” he deserted his wife, leaving her to raise 11 children alone on sharecropper’s wages. Still, she and my paternal grandparents endured, and the price they paid made their faith all the more real and precious.


They passed this legacy down to us. What a blessing it was! Having survived persecution, they stressed clinging to our faith and ignoring contrary opinions. “Be very sure,” they said again and again.


Certainty was essential because Pentecostalism was (and is) a work in progress. Formerly held doctrines fade away as each generation increases in wisdom and knowledge. Unfortunately, a new set of taboos typically replaces old ones. So while my parents rejected the notion only “Spirit-filled” believers went to Heaven, they embraced a separatist lifestyle that condemned mundane habits like moviegoing, dancing, and wearing jewelry. My generation tossed that aside for a warlike compulsion to defend “Christian values.”


Along the way, I decided most, if not all, of this is manmade. God’s Word and His Spirit’s leadership are what matters. This became the bedrock for confidence in my faith as I gradually accepted my sexuality.


Coming out wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t hard, either. By the time I came to grips with being gay, my parents had founded three Assembly of God churches in underprivileged Chicago neighborhoods. It was the 1970’s, which meant they’d seen it all—drug addiction, gang and race riots, sexual promiscuity and abuse, occultism, the “Jesus People” craze, and the explosive “charismatic movement.”


Meanwhile, I quietly worked out my own salvation. I went through the classic stages: begging for deliverance, asking why, worrying about being damned for all time, and so on. But through it all, I held on to the blessed assurance Jesus is mine. He loves me, understands me, died to save me, and accepts me because He made me. I knew this. I just wasn’t sure it was something anyone else would believe or understand.


My crisis was with the church, not God. Where I stood with Him was never in doubt. But I struggled to hold on to my heritage with integrity—meaning, I honored its antigay doctrine despite knowing it was unsound. This went on for years, and I sacrificed being the gay man God created in deference to His people’s weaknesses. This sounds nobler than it was; I viewed it as my price of admission to Pentecostal life. Every time a preacher went off on homosexuals my heart ached. But it also increased my faith to believe that, like so many other erroneous taboos, one day this would change. (And I continue to believe it.)


Then I fell in love with a wonderful man.


I had already come out to family and friends, to varying degrees of acceptance made possible because they knew I was “living right.” Now that I accepted the amazing blessing of love and companionship that God had given me, they either turned against me or ramped up their efforts to bring me back to “the truth.” I eventually quit church altogether—although I steadfastly continued a life of prayer and Bible study.


After 10 years with Walt, my parents called in a final act of desperation, pleading with me to “get right with God.” My father wept as he confessed, “I have no desire to go to Heaven since you won’t be there.” The conversation grew so heated my mom slammed down the phone. I decided that was the end of our relationship. Despite everyone begging me to reopen lines of communication, I refused. Nearly two years passed in stone silence.


I justified my actions with the tired argument “How can they be Christians and not accept me?” I sought out a number of “gay-friendly” churches, yet they were nothing like the powerfully alive churches I grew up in. I felt less like a prodigal son than a homeless orphan.


One day God spoke to my spirit, asking, “How can you be a Christian and not accept your parents as they are?” Everything fell in place. My acceptance wasn’t the issue. Loving and accepting those who rejected me was what He wanted. I called my folks, apologized for judging them, and explicitly said, “Whether or not you accept me as I am, because I love you, I accept you and your beliefs.” Our healing began.


Being a writer, I worked my way through this on paper. What started as an internal dialogue evolved into a book I called Straight-Friendly: The Gay Believer’s Life in Christ. When I finished, Walt said, “You should start a blog. There must be millions like you out there.” And so I did. God blessed me with a family of friends—gay and straight, Christians from every denomination—who also heard this call.


Straight-Friendly is now my life’s ministry. It’s more than a “gay-friendly” Christian blog; it’s a safe place where people of all genders and backgrounds share God’s Word and build up one another in our most holy faith.


In the process I’ve come to understand the true meaning of Pentecost. It’s not about tongues, gifts, and emotionally charged worship, grand though they are. It’s about being witnesses. As a gay believer, the Spirit empowers me to testify to God’s love and acceptance by demonstrating it. In the realm of the Spirit, sexuality doesn’t matter. Sincerity is what God seeks.


I close by thanking God for all you at freedom2be—especially my great brother, Anthony Venn-Brown. Your faith and unity have been an inspiration to me. And, at Anthony’s urging, I’d like to invite all of you to visit the Straight-Friendly blog, add my book to your reading list, and/or join Straight-Friendly’s Facebook group.


God bless each of you with His power and light.


Tim Wolfe


Blog:

http://straight-friendly.blogspot.com/


Book:

http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/straight-friendly-the-gay-believers-life-in-christ/6045848


Facebook group:

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=118361572556&ref=ts



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
January 19, 2010, 09:58

Hi Straight-friendly


Thanks for sharing such a powerful and well written story. It’s true that it would be wrong to want acceptance and yet not give the same to others, whatever their stance. In our struggle, we can forget that we all need the same unconditional acceptance and love.


I agree that the church will one day accept the GLBTIQ community as it has with other taboos. And as avb says, it’s already starting. I just wish it didn’t have to take so long!


I love the simplicity of your message and practices. Knowing that is really encouraging to me. 🙂


I’m also fascinated by your pentecostal heritage in Alabama and am trying to imagine what that would have been like, especially for your maternal grandmother raising 11 children alone.


Thank you again.


Blessings,


Ann Maree



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
January 19, 2010, 14:56

HI tim…..welcome to the forum……its great to read your story……and never ceases to amaze me the complexities in many of our journeys but also the simple truths that set us free…….like self love.



straight-friendly
 
Joined in 2008
January 19, 2010, 18:34

Ann Maree,


Your comments bless me greatly. I’m with you on wanting the changes we seek to come sooner than they are. But I also believe God has much work to do to prepare His people to embrace GLBTIQ acceptance–and we’re just in the early stages of making our presence known. As Bishop Yvette Flunder, founder and pastor of San Francisco’s City of Refuge, often says, our first task is guiding the multitude of fearful, closeted gay believers out of the shadows. Because it’s true–we’re everywhere, in every church, in many pulpits, serving as musicians and deacons and teachers and every other office. But until we encourage one another to be truthful to ourselves and our fellow believers, the hurt and suffering homophobic Christians create will never be recognized outside our circles.


This will require great courage and risk for all–much like the courage and risk that my grandmother assumed. Actually, defiance better describes it. But to her last breath she would not relent. And I can hear her even now as she responded to those who would kindly offer their sympathy for her struggles. “I count it all joy,” she’d say, quoting James 1. “These burdens have been my crown.” We too are in a struggle, but we can’t be weary in well doing. We will reap a harvest of blessings if we faint not.


Be blessed always,

Tim



straight-friendly
 
Joined in 2008
January 19, 2010, 18:43

AVB, you’re so right. We can get things so twisted with complications and alternate scenarios we don’t see the simple solution right before our eyes. Love is the answer–love for Christ, for others, and ourselves. And they’re all intertwined, because one teaches us why and how to do the others. We must love ourselves because Jesus loves us, and proved His love at the greatest price ever paid for love. He made us worthy of love–and He made everyone else equally worthy. It’s so basic no wonder so many of us have a hard time believing it! Love is our privilege; we should use it in every situation we meet.


Thank you for pulling me back this way. It’s been far too long since I’ve dropped by and I must never let that happen again!



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
January 19, 2010, 19:30

Hi straight-friendly


You are very welcome! It’s true – your love and heart felt enthusiasm have really given me a boost.


I’m just wondering how I can help guide closeted GLBTIQ people out of the shadows?…. I don’t attend a church. What do you and the bishop have in mind for ways of assisting this?


Blessings to you too,


Ann Maree



straight-friendly
 
Joined in 2008
January 21, 2010, 14:05

Hey Ann Maree,


The pressing task is persuading closeted GLBTIQ believers that hiding in shadows and supporting ministries that demonize and oppress same-sex orientation constitute a slave mentality that directly contradicts the meaning of Calvary and power of the Resurrection. We are first and foremost followers of Christ. We have answered His call: “Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.” (Mark 8.34)


In our case, self-acceptance becomes key to self-denial. It requires willingness to forego the comfort of familiar, beloved surroundings we cling to by pretending to be something we’re not. Not coming out in order to stay in churches we love is patently dishonest. Accepting religious rejection is basically rejecting God’s plan and purpose for creating us as same-sex oriented beings. Without plunging too far into the deep end of the theological pool, it’s no different than Paul’s (oft misquoted) condemnation of heterosexuals who override their native orientation to practice same-sex acts of idolatry. We’re conforming to religious practices, rather than honoring God. Paul says when we fall into this mindset, we’ve “exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator.” (Romans 1.25) Thus, the message to every gay believer is to live the life he/she is given with integrity as an act of worship for his/her Creator.


This requires tremendous courage–and a willingness to sacrifice respect and acceptance of one’s family and faith community. It will often require seeking fellowship among more enlightened believers and congregations whose worship and faith practices aren’t as vividly demonstrative as our Pentecostal upbringing. However, keeping the image God shaped us to reflect intact and honestly serving the Body of Christ are paramount. As Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount, a light hidden under a bushel is uselessl. Thinking we should hide our light in order to live where the light appears brightest is self-defeating and destructive. Furthermore, contributing time, talent, and money to ministries that actively oppress GLBTIQ people is just wrong. It advances oppression of others.


The Church (capital “C”) needs our light. We need to speak honestly about ourselves and prepare to meet rejection with love AND wisdom–and the more of us who summon the courage to do this, the more light will shine until it eventually reaches the shadowy corners we left. We can’t sit in darkness and wait for change. We must make light happen.


I’m attaching a link to a marvelous sermon by Bishop Flunder about how God used the Phoenician woman–a pagan outsider reviled by the Jewish religious establishment–to inaugurate Christ’s message of inclusion. It’s an extremely enlightening depiction of how even Christ was susceptible to knee-jerk rejection, and how this woman (whom He called a “dog”) set the stage for the Pentecostal promise that God would pour out His Spirit on all people. “The church needs more dogs,” Bishop Flunder says… (Parts Two and Three follow automatically after viewing the first.)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JL1tJgi6rZQ



straight-friendly
 
Joined in 2008
January 21, 2010, 14:09

Hey Ann Maree,


The pressing task is persuading closeted GLBTIQ believers that hiding in shadows and supporting ministries that demonize and oppress same-sex orientation constitute a slave mentality that directly contradicts the meaning of Calvary and power of the Resurrection. We are first and foremost followers of Christ. We have answered His call: “Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.” (Mark 8.34)


In our case, self-acceptance becomes key to self-denial. It requires willingness to forego the comfort of familiar, beloved surroundings we cling to by pretending to be something we’re not. Not coming out in order to stay in churches we love is patently dishonest. Accepting religious rejection is basically rejecting God’s plan and purpose for creating us as same-sex oriented beings. Without plunging too far into the deep end of the theological pool, it’s no different than Paul’s (oft misquoted) condemnation of heterosexuals who override their native orientation to practice same-sex acts of idolatry. We’re conforming to religious practices, rather than honoring God. Paul says when we fall into this mindset, we’ve “exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator.” (Romans 1.25) Thus, the message to every gay believer is to live the life he/she is given with integrity as an act of worship for his/her Creator.


This requires tremendous courage–and a willingness to sacrifice respect and acceptance of one’s family and faith community. It will often require seeking fellowship among more enlightened believers and congregations whose worship and faith practices aren’t as vividly demonstrative as our Pentecostal upbringing. However, keeping the image God shaped us to reflect intact and honestly serving the Body of Christ are paramount. As Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount, a light hidden under a bushel is uselessl. Thinking we should hide our light in order to live where the light appears brightest is self-defeating and destructive. Furthermore, contributing time, talent, and money to ministries that actively oppress GLBTIQ people is just wrong. It advances oppression of others.


The Church (capital “C”) needs our light. We need to speak honestly about ourselves and prepare to meet rejection with love AND wisdom–and the more of us who summon the courage to do this, the more light will shine until it eventually reaches the shadowy corners we left. We can’t sit in darkness and wait for change. We must make light happen.


I’m attaching a link to a marvelous sermon by Bishop Flunder about how God used the Phoenician woman–a pagan outsider reviled by the Jewish religious establishment–to inaugurate Christ’s message of inclusion. It’s an extremely enlightening depiction of how even Christ was susceptible to knee-jerk rejection, and how this woman (whom He called a “dog”) set the stage for the Pentecostal promise that God would pour out His Spirit on all people. “The church needs more dogs,” Bishop Flunder says… (Parts Two and Three follow automatically after viewing the first.)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JL1tJgi6rZQ



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
January 21, 2010, 15:30

thanks Tim for what you are adding to our forum.



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
January 21, 2010, 21:18

Hey Tim


I definitely agree that as long as the church views GLBTIQ people as less than others, that this is directly in opposition to God. I am not a second class citizen and neither is anyone else and I will not tolerate being treated as such. That’s why I’m not attending a church. I believe that to accept the ‘less than’ lie is contradicting God’s plan and view of his beloved creation. No one deserves to be treated like a shadow or outcast. If people take that yoke on and force others to wear that, it’s a heavy load that stunts growth, and that’s hardly of God.


And yes – coming out takes courage and staying in a church may take even more. I personally wouldn’t advise staying in a non accepting church for the above reason. For me it definitely wasn’t right. I’d worked too much on my self esteem and healing to let the church dismantle that again.


You said: “It will often require seeking fellowship among more enlightened believers and congregations whose worship and faith practices aren’t as vividly demonstrative as our Pentecostal upbringing. However, keeping the image God shaped us to reflect intact and honestly serving the Body of Christ are paramount. As Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount, a light hidden under a bushel is uselessl. Thinking we should hide our light in order to live where the light appears brightest is self-defeating and destructive. Furthermore, contributing time, talent, and money to ministries that actively oppress GLBTIQ people is just wrong. It advances oppression of others”.


Yes, I agree with that. It sounds healthy. I will add also that fellowshipping OUTSIDE of churches may be the answer. Yes, shock, horror for all those who believe we are meant to be part of a church or the supposed body of Christ. But guess what – Jesus often ministered on the outskirts, outside of church, moving amongst the forgotten and outcast. His example says much more to me than some pentecostal or religious idea of how we should connect with each other.


You said: “The Church (capital “C”) needs our light. We need to speak honestly about ourselves and prepare to meet rejection with love AND wisdom–and the more of us who summon the courage to do this, the more light will shine until it eventually reaches the shadowy corners we left. We can’t sit in darkness and wait for change. We must make light happen.”


Yes and this is the really tricky bit for me. The church does need us. But I’m outside of church, cast out and unable to abide with the majority of those beliefs so not wanting to return. So how can I minister to those who need it most in the church?


Tim, I listened to Bishop Flunder and found her to be a very likeable and inspirational woman. Thank you for making that link available. I thought her take on Mark 7:24-30 (Matt 15: 21-28) was interesting and a bit controversial. My interpretation is a little different. I believe Jesus, in using a highly insulting term (i.e. dog) was not in fact insulting the woman but speaking to the predjudiced culture of the day, using that situation and the term to highlight the woman’s faith. He was illustrating, as she was, by her boldness, that nothing would stand in front of her faith. Not an insult, nor culture, exclusion, gender, differences, religion or anything else (as the Bishop eluded to). I imagine it as a play and that for a moment they were both in sync, on the same wave length, performing in front of the disciples who, in the Matt version, seemed to be inconvenienced or embarrassed by her cries. They expected him to send her away. Nevertheless, she held to the truth that God would provide healing and her background didn’t matter. You can see from her quick response she expected rejection and let’s face it, society has a way of letting outcasts know who they are!! (By her response, I also don’t believe for one moment she was accepting “crumbs” despite what she said, but rather challenging the beliefs of the day, just like he was). And so he called her a dog, but I can’t believe that he thought that of her. Jesus never treated outcasts unkindly and he had a lot practice with them. I really do think he was highlighting both the predjudice of the day as a way of debunking the idea that outsiders weren’t welcome and also to underline her courage and faith. He saw her for who she was, a faithful person clinging to the truth despite much opposition, and so they had a kind of unity and she received her healing.


Anyway that’s just my own interpretation after pondering over it for a few months now. Magzdragon also wrote beautifully about that passage in her blog if you care to read it.


Many blessings to you, Tim.


Ann Maree


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