When i was 4 and a 1/2 i came home to my mum and asked her if she had ever wanted to be a boy so she Could have a girlfriend at that age i had no idea what a lesbian was. I had just started school and had the biggest crush on my year 6 buddy, she told me no she hadnt and i shouldnt think those things.
.it got pushed out of my mind but i always felt different when i was 12 i met my hest friend aimee who introduced me to Christianity but by then i had began to realise that the difference i was feeling was due to my sexuality. I went right through high school on the outer edges never really fitting in, during those years my mother passed away which made me angry at god that on top of struggling with my sexuality and being told that it was evil and wrong turned me to drinking. I would spend most weekends at some party drinking whatever i could get my hands on just so i could feel something!
After a near sexual experience with a boy at 16 and feeling so disgusted and wrong about it i finaly came out to my dad 5 months later he said “geez mel im glad you finally told me, i thought i was gonna have to tell you”! For the first time i felt accepted and not long after met my first girlfriend.
I had always believed in god but my anger had not left me, so the searching that i felt for his love turned me from 1 disastrous relationship to another, some were abusive some were just one night stands that lasted way too long then after breaking up with a violent alcoholic (that i thought i could help) and denying god for so long, i had a revelation i had been crying and pouring my heart out and in the bottom of my shower (which is Where i did all my crying) i told god that i needed him i couldnt do it alone anymore i didnt want to i was sick of being told what i felt was wrong sick of making bad choices and for the first time in my life i could hear god speak to me, he said “i made you and i love you just the way you are, i didnt make a mistake you are who you are supposed to be
” my tears dried instantly though i was in the shower so it was hard to tell and i felt joy unlike that which i had never known i asked him what he wanted me to do and he told me go to church i rang aimee and we started to go every sunday i prayed for a job and i found one that i loved it was there i met mj, at the time i thought she was a gift from god we started seeing each other and it was then i found out how the great deciever works pretty soon i stopped going to church i alienated all my friends i gave up on opportunities and everything that i had, everthing that i was i gave to her and it broke me. The lies, the insecurities, the control and emotional blackmail, it wasnt until aimee messged me one day telling me she was gonna step back out of my life that i began to see what i was losing and once again i heard god in my heart he said ” you need to get out of this relationship its killing you ” full of hurt and angry with myself because i had tried so many times before i said ” you need to give ne the strength ” and just like that he did. We broke up a few days later and i asked god what next and in the next weeks i found my spiritual home at life church i got baptised started volunteering at their cafe that feeds the homeless joined the worship team and am currently trying to kick off a youth group.
Its been a long road to where i am now but i wouldnt change it god has given me so many things and blessed me in so many ways since and i know that my life is better in everyway with him in control
Much love xx
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